[A Hobbit]

I'm middle-aged now. It's hard to believe, but I am. 45 is middle-aged, right? I'm still a Punk Rocker at heart; I'm still in my early 20's playing in my band... aren't I?

I played crazy music professionally in the greater Los Angeles region in the late 80's/early to mid 90's. Crazy music. Big fish in a little pond type stuff. I also suffered with mental health issues.

Have I mentioned that this thread may be longer than you care to invest your time in?

I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder - depending on the which doctor you talk to. I spent a couple days (against my will) in some kind of mental hospital when I was about 23/24. It was the only time in my life that I have been taken anywhere by the police against my will. I was scared. They got my psychiatrist in there and I was able to make her believe that I had no business being in there. They let me go earlier than the mandatory 72 hours. At least that is how I recall the events. They had me on all sorts of meds. Everything sucked. At times I couldn't get out of bed and wanted to die. Other times I was out in the middle of the night dodging traffic and climbing on roofs having the time of my life. I'd break into adjacent apartments and reek havoc, and then crawl into a ball under the dining room table and beg for the sweet release of the big sleep.

I believe in God with every fiber of my being, so I was always afraid of taking my own life. But if an "accident" happened, I was all for it...

Eventually, in my late 20's I met my wife. I hung up my guitar, quit playing music and married her. She is my everything! We've been married 18 years. We have 4 amazing children. I love my family. I thought all my "problems" were a thing of the past. Except, I knew they weren't.

There is too much to say. I must mention that I am a lifelong inftantilist, as well. That is, I derive great comfort in wearing diapers. I always have. Way weird, I know. There are a few others on this forum that are the same, but it is very rare and, again, strange. My wife knows and says she accepts me. But because of this trait alone this single post can't contain all the vitals on me; It can't explain what it's like in my head.

To cut to the chase: I am suffering. I am paranoid. I am depressed. My wife says over and over and over again that she accepts and loves me just the way I am, but the voices in my head tell me otherwise.

I've got to stop typing now. But I had to get at least this much out there. I probably have very little in common with any of you good people. But I would like to be able to fit in here and share.

Some nice lady posted in the Bipolar thread recently that she has a "poison mind." I know exactly what that is like. I can't sleep at night because of all the noise and sounds and voices (words?) in head saying all manner of nasty things. Accusing me. Telling me that my wife can't possibly love me. And asking what I would do if she told me to leave. I think of dying, but can't think of a way to do it. And I don't want to, anyway.

Sorry for the ramble. I just hope I can fit in here.

[Nammu]

We're all different and PC( psych central) it is a good place for all of us. It's a great supportive forum. I can't speak for everyone but I've been in that dark spot of paranoia and believing that those around me would be better off without me. Welcome hobbit.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

It's hard for me to believe people accept me the way I am when I have trouble accepting certain truths about myself. Of course, I'm the only one who knows *all* my own truths.

I hear what you're saying with the "poison" stuff in your head. That you recognize what's happening, how it affects you, and looking to combat it is good. Have you ever worked with anyone to learn how to manage those times?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by A Hobbit

To cut to the chase: I am suffering. I am paranoid. I am depressed. My wife says over and over and over again that she accepts and loves me just the way I am, but the voices in my head tell me otherwise.

To cut to the chase: I read every word. So you're an infantilist, that's your "thing". I believe we all have things: http://www.amazon.com/Perv-The-Sexua...dp/0374230897/ and you can't argue with your wife as she is talking about herself and how she views you/the world and that isn't strictly about you, but her. She can't be wrong about herself and how she feels/thinks. Argument is technically calling her a liar? Tell your voices to put that in their pipe and smoke it!

We're all here on this site because we have hangups about some of our things and/or don't feel "good". I am sorry you are suffering (for what that's worth to hear from a stranger?) and I think you should share this "junk". I'll read/listen.

Middle age was not kind to me (I'm 65 this year). Around 46 I realized I was literally going "over the hill" was more than halfway done and I still had not figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up? It all got a bit mentally better again when I entered my 50's. Now I'm retired and having the daunting look forward to. . . what? Not like I'm taking up new interests or changing jobs, starting families or raising them. I've traveled well in the last 10 years but my husband announced after the last plane flight he was done with planes. The grandchildren are almost teens so moving away from their parents even, never mind we grandparents. My husband and I are looking at Continuous Care Retirement Communities (CCRC). Never thought I'd get there to assisted living/"nursing homes"?