[thecrankyone]

**note** I am not suicidal, and I don't wish to hurt myself or anyone in a literal sense. Metaphorically, however that is a different tune to hum**note**

I love my son very much, but right now I am finding it very hard to like him. He's a good kid who means well, but I'm ready to drop kick his *** into next week if something doesn't change.
He's not technically a kid, in that he is 22 years old, but to me that is still very young. I was not much older when I got pregnant with him.

He has a warrant because he never went to court when he was supposed to. He was accepted in to Drug court but hasn't given me any information on when and so on. I'm worried that if he doesn't take care of this, he will be back in jail looking at real time. I won't get into the whole story, but he is trying to stay away from drugs (pot aside) and mostly seems to be succeeding but never seems to want to do anything. He was working a few days with a friend who does dry walling and other construction but decided it wasn't for him?? He is a very talented welder with several certificates but sold his leathers, helmet etc back when he was still on drugs. He also would struggle to pass a piss test.

My apt is a total mess, I've never been a great housekeeper, neatness is so not me, but I have standards and I like some normalcy as far as dishes in kitchen and garbage in garbage the garbage can, with cigarette butts not all over the place. He's always doing some project (he is very artistically talented) or invention which leaves a mess and ends up wrecking things like silverware or stove burners (leaving burnt stuff or other mess). I try to talk to him but he just gets angry and defensive and very disrespectful.

He is stealing to try and help us, but I'd really he would just go to a temp agency or do anything to bring in money with out my worrying about him, to say nothing of the moral aspect.

I know his father's suicide

Possible trigger:

accidental intentional meth overdose

really messed with his head, and growing up with two bipolar parents one who self medicated with drugs, and alcohol and one who just ate and had regular meltdowns while attempting to pass, and had a hard time with basics like money management, and doing basic chores.

We had to leave the last place with out most of our stuff, it was beyond trashed and full of garbage. I am in fear of that happening again. I lived at the YWCA for 6 months to get my self together and it was only with help from a non profit acting as cosigner that I got into this place. I also had help with SENDCAA with deposit and first month's rent. I don't want this ruined. I've moved to much.

The carpet is trashed and last night he managed to accidentally break a window. ( he got locked out and tried to climb in thru the window. We are in basement). I can't have maintenance see the place the way it is, it needs major cleaning, and we don't even have dressers or a real bed. The furniture we do have is donated (good quality, but still).

I am being garnished because of our lovely American for profit medical system, despite having Blue Cross. So while I could easily afford the rent when I moved in, now I can't. I'm trying to contact the person who is my advocate with the program that is cosigning but she won't return my calls. I paid half my rent, but my landlord (large company with sometimes questionable reputation) obviously wants the rest plus late fees yesterday which would leave me with nothing but a very overdue electric bill.

There is a lot more, but I'm already getting too long.

I just can't take anymore, I'm past the knot at the end of my rope.

[brainhi]

That is a WHOLE lot to endure. As the old saying goes - one thing at a time. Overall, is your son more helpful or draining to your survival? If you cannot take care of you, you cannot take care of him. If he does not learn to take care of himself - he will learn to live the way you have been living.

I hope you have support. I'm sure writing about it and getting it our of your head helps some. You son has to go manage his own life so you can manage yours. Easier said than done - I know. I wish you more better moments than bad moments. Take care!!

[Nammu]

That sounds totally overwhelming. Can you call, I think it's 411 or 211 for information on where to get help?keep calling the person who consigned and/or leave a message that you are in danger of getting evicted.

[avlady]

i know how you feel, my son is being treated for depression and ocd and a few other things, which makes it harder on me to get things done. hes 24 and wants to be a musician and practices all day long, is great at it, but i can't get him to do much else. he has no job right now as hes tried a few and has social anxiety disorder which makes it hard for him. any thoughts would be appreciated, he is seeing a doc and t too.

[thecrankyone]

Warren doesn't have much for SAD, but I know he does have anxiety issues as well as bad skin (dermatitis, very sensitive). He was also diagnosed as ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) as a kid. He's been in trouble since he was little, he has anger issues.

He's come a long way and is doing much better. He has a long way to go. He is so much like his father in some ways it gives me nightmares. That is part of the problem, some of his behavior reminds me of his dad too much and brings on an almost panic. Not really a PTSD reaction but close to that neighborhood. My anxiety at it makes it worse. We end up fighting.

I've had similar periods myself, and that makes it worse.

[brainhi]

My heart goes out to you. I'm older and it's all I can do to keep myself healthy and making a living to take care of myself. Everyone figures it out there own way.

I was more or less abandoned when I was 16 or so. I had no choices and no one to help take care of me. I lived in a smaller community and found help through organizations that did find me a job. I was under the care of a pdoc who encouraged me to go to college. I was also eligible for government benefits because of my mom's illness. I dropped out of high school to take care of myself - but wanted to go to college. I did go and got financial aid - this was not all rosey - it was hard as hell and really no one in my family gave a ***** about me or how I was doing in school or in any other way for that matter.

I still struggled for a long time (life is better - but it took a long time - and still working on it) - I guess my point is - as long as they have you to lean on.. they probably will not take the initiative to go get things done - hopefully there is help in your community to get the ball rolling.

It's a journey and it's really going to suck sometimes - but I sure know how to appreciate the small things.

avlady - is your son interested in doing any volunteer work - music/kids? My first real job I work with developmentally delayed individuals - it opened my heart. With all the doom and gloom they need to try to have something they are passionate about in their lives but money will give them freedom - some way to do both? That's what I continuously work on.

Hope I do not come off condescending - I hate seeing the pain people are in with not a lot of solutions or support.

[thecrankyone]

He's very smart, but struggles with reading and writing. He is a genius when it comes to fixing, welding, art and other hands on type tasks. He just has some language processing issues.

He's also embarrassed by his skin as it breaks out easily and is rather ugly to look at. Prednisone helps as does a prescription cream. But he' s very sensitive to soaps and so on. (he's pale skinned red head with all the stereotypes).

His skills with his hands are amazing however, he can read schematics and blue prints that make my head explode.

He did fix the window and do some cleaning last night, before he got distracted with a carving.