[Justmedarkstar]

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and what I'm all about. Before I started down the medication path I thought I had a fairly firm grasp on those questions. Now however I find that I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm flirting with the idea of being taken off my meds. I miss my wild self. I'm Bipolar 2 and have Borderline Personality Disorder. There are definitely things the meds help with that I don't miss but I feel as though I've lost my sense of self and my own personal power. I have a therapist and a new psychiatrist. I've been on meds off and on since 2005. I've been taking them steadily with no alcohol in my system for two years now and I just feel like I'm someone else living my life. I'm fortunate enough to live in Michigan which has medicinal marijuana but at this time I'm on probation so I can't use it. I have a little over a year left of probation. I'm not sure I can stay medicated for that much longer. I'm afraid that if I go off my meds I'll start drinking again and when I drink all hell breaks loose - hence the being on probation. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling like I'm someone else.

It seems to be a natural condition that as time goes by we tend to forget the bad and glamorize the good. It's sort of like when people toy with the idea of getting back with their ex. I always ask them this question: Why is he or she your ex?

Don't be scared of success. You're really just discovering who you are (your true, non-medicated self), so that's scary because you don't know how you'll feel in the future.

I think you owe it to yourself to keep moving forward instead of retreating to the hell that was your past.

[Fuzzybear]

Hi Justmedarkstar,

I think everything you said, and how you're feeling, so many of us can relateto. I know I've felt that way. But what I also picked up on is you're two years sober. That is no easy feat. So the person the meds have helped you become, realized that alcohol does not do you right, so you stopped. You say as much, you're afraid if you go off the meds, you might go back to alcohol. The way you feel, is real, and if there is a way for you to stay well and not feel so disassociated, then you should. But start from this place of health that you are in, tell your DR yo.ur concerns, how you feel, ask if there are alternatives. It might not be an all or nothing situation, meds or no meds. You've been doing so well for 2 years on meds, work with your DR, hopefully you'll discover you can stay healthy, AND rid yourself of this feeling of vagueness.
Good luck!!

[*Laurie*]

I believe it's important to think about how our behavior effects family, friends, and others, too.

[Tauren]

You should tell your doctor. I think that's a pretty common problem with bipolar. The doctor might have suggestions.