[Amber51]

Default New, scared... Pretty sure I'm "crazy"
Back story: Bad childhood, mother absent (prison, addict), father absent (ditto), grandma raised me til she died, then uncle begrudgingly took over (he's a real NICE guy- not)... Fast forward: 3 failed marriages, 4 children.

I am a 28 year old female, and I think my husband is right. I am "crazy".

Sometime I have so much going on inside of my head, that I will literally DO NOTHING for days on end. Sometimes, I get this wild idea that I need to be perfect for my family and I will spend hours cleaning, baking & organizing- only to realize by the end of the day I have actually accomplished nothing, no one notices and it was an absolute waste of my time. I am impatient with my children, I love them so much- but I have nothing to give them. I don't play with with, I don't really smile... I want to be so much more for them and I have absolutely no idea how. I am lonely- ALL THE TIME, regardless of how many people are around me. I worry always, that my husband is cheating, that my children will get hurt when I am not around, that a plane a daily member is on will crash. I recently went on vacation & I COMPLETELY sabotaged the entire thing. I couldn't enjoy myself, I flipped out on my husband for MAKING ME leave my kids behind...

I am petrified of abandonment, if my husband is late coming home from work I this he's gone home with a coworker because she is saner, more worthy than I am... Who wants to come home to THIS?!

Every few weeks, I lose complete control of myself. I will start a fight, accuse my husband of gas lighting me, cheating on me, accuse my other of trying to stea my children... I will kick, scream, cry, throw things- kick my husband out and tell him how much I HATE HIM, how awful he is to me- he will leave, I will threaten to hurt myself, and then I will hunt him down and cry and beg for him to come back. I CANNOT BE ALONE.

I don't like leaving the house, I need my husband to go with me. It's too hard, too scary.

I am pretty awful, I want so badly to be happy, productive, safe... Fun.

What is going on? I'm not always terrible, but I usually feel terrible. Is this something? I can't live like this anymore, I am terrified my husband is going to leave me. This is no fun at all!

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi Amber,

Sounds like you're going through alot of emotional turmoil at the moment.

Sometimes when I'm overwhealmed it can be difficult for me to even know where to begin. I am sure that at times when you do things like baking, cleaning and organising - you are actually accomplishing something - even if you family do not acknowledge this. It's nice to be acknowledged for what we do so I'm sorry that this is not noticed.

You seem to be having emotional difficulty in your relationship with your husband. I'm just wondering if you're seeing anyone to help you manage these emotions and give you strategies for when you do feel overwhealmed, rather than kicking your husband out and telling him things that you may later regret. Distraction might help - if you feel that way is there something that you can do - for say 30 minutes - then come back to your husband and have a conversation with him when you are in a better frame of mind?

Alot of what you think may be in your imagination - the fear you feel when your husband is late from work does not seem to be substantiated by anything that you have mentioned in your thread. I get that you don't want to be alone so alternative behaviours (rather than threatening to hurt yourself) could help develop a more productive relationship. When you do feel the urge coming on to lash out at him pause and try a distraction technique and revisit the situation when you're calmer. Music helps settle me when I'm feeling a flood of emotions.

[Sesiley]

Delusions, mood issues, paranoid, anxiety.

Same here. I feel your pain. See a psychiatrist like I did. The medicine helps SO much and any online therapy you can do. Like mood charts and journaling.

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