Seeking opinions, validation or clarification...

Hi guys!
I'm a 20 year old woman, I was diagnosed with depression four years ago when it wasn't possible for me anymore to hide my symptoms as they had gone worse, but I've been dealing with this since I was about thirteen.

Even though I was diagnosed, there's something that is stressing me out lately badly, and it's that I constantly question myself if I'm actually depressed. I think, 'maybe I just gotta try harder', 'maybe I'm just faking it', even though I have my
I don't think I have the sleep disturbance symptom (I sleep around ten hours a day and I think the average is 8) or eating issues (like eating too much or too little), however I sometimes deprive myself of food as a form of punishment.
Is this normal? Is it possible that I have another kind of illness? I can't get a diagnosis right now, so I guess for now I'd really love any kind of opinions.

This is how I feel:

-I do not enjoy anything, or am good at anything.
-I absolutely loathe myself, and I see myself as less than any living being. I do not think I deserve kindness towards me, and I do not have selfesteem.
-I feel guilt and embarrassment for existing every day. Thinking of embarrassing stuff I did when I was 13-15 makes me automatically suicidal.
-I'm extremely sensitive to rejection/being ignored.
-Every day I feel mostly numb but still sad/self-deprecating, I also have breakdowns in which I'm completely sad and get very suicidal.
-Experiencing any strong emotion, even if it's a happy one, a few hours later makes me severely depressed.

-I'm extremely envious. I compulsively stalk the blogs of people who live in first world countries, are pretty, have money, talents, and lots of like-minded friends; In my dreams I own their stuff, or become their friends.

-I'm very forgetful, moody, I snap at family and friends easily and for very stupid reasons. I'm 100% sure they all hate me, and the ones that do not, it's because they do not know who I actually am, but will discover it later.

-If someone ignores what I'm saying or is slightly mean/sarcastic to me, I automatically get deeply depressed, suicidal, and harm myself. (ex. I ask my mom to buy me cookies when she goes outside and she forgets to. So I auto-go to the bathroom and

-I love my friends, but I compulsively avoid meeting with them and reading their messages on skype/whatsapp. It stresses me out really badly, and I struggle interacting with others. I can't look at people in the eye, it's nearly impossible for me to make friends.

-I daily feel as if everything is a dream, I think I'm dettached from reality. I actually thought this was normal, until I talked to others who had no idea of what I was talking about. I don't think of consequences, have terrible memory, and mostly live only in the present (besides embarrassment from previous acts). I also dont have much connection with my body, I view it as a thing or vessel to host my mind. I can't take it or my life seriously because it all feels irreal and blurry. I feel like I act by instinct, or as if I'm programmed to. My eyes aren't focused, and if I start thinking of being here, of existing, of why are we here, my mind freaks out and panics, everything starts looking extremely surreal

-If something goods happen, my mood improves for a few days and I completely forget what depression feels like, even tell myself 'maybe I was just being dramatic' (even though I know it probably stems from
This one confuses me so much.

-I don't really experience sexual attraction but I am not asexual, as I experience sexual desire. I want to have sex, but I don't have much interest, I feel as if I have a mental barrier, I've tried it before but physically I feel almost nothing.

Is this all normal? Is it regular depression, or does it sound like anything else?

If anyone reads this, thank you so much for your time.

It sounds like depression along with several other symptoms...you may have another kind of mood disorder or some other co-occurring disorders going on along with depression. You should see a professional if possible

I agree with CaptainChaos. It is typical of mental illness to question whether it is 'real' or not. I can't diagnose you (no one here can), but it sounds like you would benefit from seeing a mental health professional.

Thank you so much, I will try to see a professional as soon as possible.

Thank you so much for your advice, it helps a lot.

By the way, about the 'dream' feeling, check out Depersonalization Community

I do have some education in the field of psychology...I would guess (and this would just be a guess based on your initial description) that you have Major Depression with another disorder or maybe 2 also giving you problems, which of course makes the depression seem that much worse...which is why you should see a professional as soon as you can to get proper treatment and diagnosis of course....

Hi, thank you so much for your reply.

If its not a bother, could you help me with something please? (If not is perfectly fine, thank you anyway!)

Since you know about psychology and there are two things that escaped my mind when writing my initial post, do you think this could also be normal, or indicative of another disorder, or just still depression? (I'm sorry I'm not very educated about this, haven't had the chance to talk to a doctor in a while)

I am very paranoid, for example, I never go outside at night and I carry weapons with me at home because I feel a stranger will get inside even if everything is closed, or when meeting up with a friend I don't know very well yet, I would never harm anybody, its for self defense) and when I get anxious or have sudden negative thoughts, I pace around and call myself names until the negative thoughts calm down.

I will definitely seek help as soon as it's possible for me, but it's very nice to vent to others, so thank you kindly for your support. ♥

All of your problems are known symptoms of severe depression. You say you were diagnosed, but have you been getting any treatment for it?

Thank you so much for your comment!
yes, I was prescribed amitriptyline and took it for several months, I only stopped because I couldnt afford it, its been some years since then.