[abnormallady]

I was abused in childhood. Mental, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I wasn't sexually abused, but I was made to feel wrong for my sexuality (I figured out vibrators as an adolescent/pre-teen and stumbled across porn and was BEAT half to death for the porn), so I didn't even start masturbating and doing so without shame until I was about 21. I still experience some shame today.

I don't know where to start honestly. Finally breaking away from my mother who I lived with for 20 years, about 2 years ago, was the best thing I ever did. I threatened to leave several times growing up, but she always blackmailed or manipulated me into staying by exploiting my weaknesses and gas-lighting me.

I have had nothing to do with her for years now, but I am finally done with college and in my career, living alone in a big townhouse. Especially when I'm stressed or sick like I am now, I tend to venture my mind to my life.

I become depressed about the fact that:

- I always become close to men that are emotionally unavailable or have obvious personality disorders, even when they seem normal in the beginning.

- I've never been truly loved by a man. I've been cheated on or played for a fool every time.

- I've even been betrayed by my friends, who mistreated me and when I backed away out of hurt, they abandoned me.

- I've always felt like a burden to friends because I deal with so much in life because of my past abuse, so I feel like I can't tell them because it's overwhelming and would be depressing to hear. I feel like I'm complaining and helpless, or at least come across that way. No one understands what it's like to be a childhood survivor of abuse, or at least most people don't.

- I am beginning to realize that I have a hard time getting close to people. For the most part, I think I numb my feelings, as they feel hidden for the most part. I think I do this because if I were to feel them - and when I do - the pain is so excruciating that I think my heart could stop from it sometimes.

- The people I do open up to are people I shouldn't, and thus, my pain and scars are compounded and I lose more and more hope for life.

- As a child, my feelings and opinions were minimized and I was told I was wrong for feeling the way I did, so as an adult, I second-guess and question myself about my feelings. I feel like I overreact to things sometimes because I will become deeply hurt by things I shouldn't take so personally, and it makes me hate myself more and call myself broken...resulting in a pattern.

- For example, one of my friends - whom I was going to dinner with tonight with some other friends - yelled "I don't want to be sick!" in the background when I was talking to our other friend on the phone about going to the doctor before calling and seeing what our plans were. She was implying that I wasn't welcome to come, which pissed me off and hurt my feelings considering that I've been around her sniffling and blowing her nose, never making a deal about it. It really hurt my feelings for a reason and it makes me feel like maybe I'm a borderline or something because I take it as almost like "I'm a bad person." I told them that I was just going to grab take out and go home, ending the conversation because I was so hurt.

- Another example: When my ideas get crushed at work, I take it personally. I get upset because I spend so much time coming up with things that are asked of me, only for my boss to veto me and it makes me beside myself (though I never reveal that I'm upset) because I feel like I waste my time, only to be told what to do. I feel irrational for getting so upset because of this, even though it happens a lot, leaving me feeling like I have no power at work.

- I tend to shut people out (probably part of the trust thing). I shut down and internalize my feelings and that's when I spiral out of control, crying, having suicidal thoughts (idealization of ending my suffering, though I'd never do it), and feeling like I can't focus on anything but being overcome by the intense pain I have locked up in me.

- I am not close to my dad and stepmom. I feel like I can't talk to them without being invalidated and judged or lectured. Add this with the fact that I feel like I'm a burden on my friends because I feel like my childhood abuse makes me have a lot more issues/problems than most people understand, and I have no support group.

- On a daily basis, when I really slow myself down and feel how I'm feeling, there is this dulled, suppressed sensation in my chest, like I'm holding back something. It's heavy and it feels like it's blocking me from feeling free and happy. It's a feelings blockade, almost.

- I can't tell people how I really feel. I always hide it and internalize it, causing myself pain and making me feel powerless.

- I am moody and tend to get triggered by feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, trapped, or loneliness. It's almost like it activates my childhood, as these feelings encompassed my ****** childhood. However, I tend to not let people know what's going on inside, I just have to escape when triggered to process my feelings.

- I am afraid I'm a Borderline or Narcissist because of what happened to me as a child and that I can't see how I really am. That is what I fear, though I was told by a Psychologist that I was very self-aware beyond my years.

- I am always lonely, unless with friends or feeling happy. When I start slipping into my negative mindset, I hyper-focus on the fact that I've been single for 3 years, can't find a good man, always wind up with men that hurt me, confused and self-hating feelings of knowing I'm the cause for my own relationship problems, feeling helpless because though I see it, I can't seem to fix it, and feeling like no one understands what hell I go through almost every day in my life, all because of the abuse I endured so much of growing up, and the childhood/teenage years that were stolen from me as I was locked away and isolated from the world and put in emotional turmoil growing up.

I'm just so tired of feeling like a prisoner to my past. I see it. I see why I do some of the things I do, and also why I feel why I feel about some things. However, I cannot seem to fix it because it operates on a subconscious level and I wind up right back in childhood patterns. I've pretty much encircled myself in my own little bubble, only leaving sometimes to forget about what I struggle with.

Little things feel like ultimate betrayal to me. Like my friend making me feel not wanted just because I have a sinus infection...it hurt a lot because I thought she was being unfair.

I'm so tired of being prisoner to my own mind, heart, and soul, and I'm not sure how much more I can take of living like this.

[gayleggg]

Have you tried counseling? It can help you put your past in perspective and help you make better choices in the future.

It sounds like you have a lot to work through. Hopefully with guidance you can get past your past.

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[Nike007]

I wouldn't worry about being borderline or narcassitic. You should go seek treatmemt. I suggest you go to the PTSD category. People from there may be able to help you and relate to you. PTSD is a state where something traumatic changes your personality. Anyways, hope you figure out what you need .

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[marmaduke]

It's sounds like PTSD to me too.
A good therapist could help. DBT, EMDR all very helpful.
I use tapping it is easy to use at home.

Unfortunately most people do not understand an abusive childhood, l am careful who l share with.
Most people don't want to know, l come here to tell all it helps to let it all out.

As a abused child its easy to fall into abusive realationships. In my ignorance l married an abusive man a self absorbed spiteful lazy narc who was:
Just like mother!
On how l regret those wasted years!

Look for red flags in people, raise your self esteem you can do it.