Is this normal?

I do the same, think about the man every day and thinks about all those winks and smiles he gives and his way of being with me. Soon its over.

I hope too I wil find someone who will love me for me.

I dont know how we gonna break the chain, but there must be something that can help us moving in right direction. We may need a lot of willpower and change in our thinking pattern, but still our feelings are what they are. We only need to find a way to feel different maybe. I really dont know how we are gonna help us feel different, but maybe it can happen.

I noticed today that I wasn't thinking about him as much, I guess in the long run, it's probably a good thing I won't see him again, as the feelings will end up resurfacing, this way I can wean myself off him.

You'll think about him less too as time goes on.

That is a good thing. I too think that with time I will think of my chiropractor less. I am feeling that its a good feeling to feel that you have chemistry with someone that is nice and not abusive. Maybe this is why I feel so downthrodden about it all along with the crush. I have not felt this way before about someone who seems to be a nice and kind person. They all have been bad.

I am still having contact with my xnp husband. I have been trying the latest 7 months to free myself from the past trauma. Tonight I started cry because my ring that he gave me still lay in the heart jewelry box I have. Its not that I love him, but the trauma of what he made me go through.

The slap is not standard protocol, but, as always changing says, it may be normal for him. There are at least 300 named chiropractic treatments and many variations of them. On top of that each chiropractor adopts her/his own style. Maybe that's part of his style. No two DCs would be the same even though they all may be quite competent. Doing his treatments well is more important for you.

is there any groups or classes to join where there might be some nice men,who you could make eye contact with?

I dont know of any. I dont think I would feel so comfortable with it either. I know that might sound weird, but its easy when you have a crush on someone, but very hard to look at someone else as long as the crush still goes on. And I have social anxiety in group meetings. Maybe it could be something at a later point when I dont have a crush. Thank you though for the suggestion.

I think I cant stand the skype contact with my xNP husband anymore because every time I get vulnerable and the trauma trigger me, I cry and as silly as it is I tell him why I cry. I have known for years I wont ever get a real empathic answer or real understanding from him of what he did to me. Still I tell him why I cry..like I hope for an understanding that is never going to happen. I am very scared to end the contact but its hurting me. I know this is off topic for what my post is about, but I think I need to cut all contact so I can heal. If I can heal wholly from it. At least I cant heal when in contact with him.

i would think that, to me, is not right to do. its just me, but i've had the same problem with a doctor that gave me a few shots and seemed to spank me afterwards. i was so angry i got in a verbal argument and never returned to him. i always wondered if i took it to far but it felt more like a sexual gesture so i felt dirty. i'm just happy no one else took it that way anymore.

Hi avlady, thank you for bringing your view on my original question to this thread.

I dont know if my chiropractor smack me hard enough for it to be not normal or normal. Its the side of the thigh. I dont know should he smack at all. I do know that if it was another chiropractor I would not have liked it and I would also probably have requested another chiropractor. Since I like my chiropractor I dont know if what I feel or think is right or not. I dont know what to think. And its weird I dont know what to think when I know I wouldnt like it if another chiropractor did it. One should think I would know but I dont. I dont know if what he does is normal or not or if its something they do or if its something he does to me. I dont feel dirty when he smack me, but I feel it is a playful smack.

Picturing he would smack a man or older woman makes me view it as weird.

I think no contact with your ex sounds like a good plan, I kept in contact with my ex who was very controlling, and I felt stressed and anxious until I had completely no contact, and I felt so much freer and calmer afterwards, it took me months to get to the stage of no contact though, controlling people are good at talking you into keeping contact with them, especially if they use emotional manipulation like my ex did.

And I know how hard it is to look at someone else when you have a crush on someone, I'm having the same problem right now, but eventually I will be ready to look elsewhere. I didn't think about him as much today as I did yesterday, so making small progress, I've got a horrible feeling he doesn't think about me at all, that has always been the case for me and men!

Hi ExTeacher, yes maybe it can be his way after a while with me. I have just have had a revelation. He did not smack the first 1 or 2 times. I suddenly remembered him saying "now you can turn onto your right side". I remember this now because I remember me being worried, the next time I was there, that I had turned to wrong side the last time. He said I had not. I dont think he smacked me those times. It was after he started sense I liked him he started with the smack. He never had to ask me to turn again because I knew I would have to turn after the smack..lol like a trained dog, my friend said for fun. So it sounds more to me now that he took the freedom to start do it.

You are absolutely right that the treatment he does is the most important, but I trust him in doing his work well, so that is not something I worry about.

Yes one get very stressed and anxious by keeping contact with controlling people and those who have abused us. Even I only have skype contact with him its not fair he get the attention while I have to live with what he did to me and face him like nothing had happened. I have gone NC with many men, but my xnp husband is the only one I have never manage to go NC with. Because he brought me trauma and abandoned me. He gave me the silent treatment for 7 months while I was crying for weeks in pain, not eating, not drinking, not sleeing. Then he started initite contact after 7 months and he was persistent telling me we had respect for each other so we should talk as best friends. Yes thats what he said, best friends after what he did. And I just said ok at the end since I was together with another sociopathic boyfriend.

After blocking my sociopathic x boyfriend from my life the contact with my xnp husband continued and I realize now after some years that I am not being so ok with it because I cant really move on like I should. And the worst part is that he do not understand the depth of what he did to me. He didnt even love me because they cant. He dont get the emotional stuff. I just said to him yesterday that I cried because I remember our marriage, while he answer back that he are always remembering our marrige, you feel better now? and one text after that saying he wants me to know he is still horny. I mean, I was the one who did go through horror when he divorced while he was cold as ice turning to Hyde in blink of an eye. Back and forth 15 times in three weeks should he divorce or not. All because of using me for a green card. He threatened me with if I dont make it right next time and get right income I had lost him.

I cried so silently and deeply wounded,remembering our marriage to the extent that the thought of the chiropractor has been less strong. Trauma is such a big thing so it overshadows the crush and I land with my feet a little more. It makes me remember I deserve to be loved.

Lowinmood, I think you will be ready to look at someone else again once the crush for this man will go away. Maybe not right away but with time you will. I think I will too.

You cant know if he is thinking of you. He may do and you dont know it. I wonder if my chiropractor get me in his head sometimes, even he is married. I cant know that either, but who knows.

at least skype is better than having to see him face to face, and you can always log off skype whenever you want.

and you can always block people on skype when you are ready.

Yes that is true because Idont need to be afraid of his physical presence.

But the emotional toll it takes on me is not good.

I know I can just turn off skype. I could if I was not feeling scared of cutting the contact, feeling guilty, abandoned. It was such a trauma to me that I have real problems cutting the contact. I have talked with him every friday for two hours at same time of day for 4 years. He has trained me to do that. My issues run deeper than just to be able to turn of skype. I dont know how I am going to do it.

Its different with this one who caused me so much shock and trauma of being abandoned in such a cruel way than it has been for me cutting contact with the other ex sociopathic boyfriend. He did not cause me trauma.

I lost my mother when I was around 4 years old, to mental hospital. I didnt know where she was because we never visited her, only once for 5 minutes. I didnt see her again until I was 13. She didnt abandon me, it was not her fault, but I lost her. She died sudden of an aneruisme in 2006. I didnt get to say goodbye. I lost my brother to suicide and was witness to his first attempt to kill himself. He died when I was 13. At age 15 my father abandoned me for his new family.

I think the shock and trauma of my xnp husbands cruel sudden abandonment was a too big shock and so has caused me these issues of being not being able to cut contact. I am not the same person after this happened. It turned my world up side down.

But I hope I can find a way to relieve the stress and grief and be able to move on and maybe with time cut contact. It scares me and makes me sad, but I think the emotional toll and unfairness in this must come first. Or I will let myself be a victim of what he did to me and his presence go on forever.

Its difficult because he is not abusive on skype for 4 years. He manage to keep a normal conversation without being verbally abusive. He have tried to stretch the moral sexually, but he has quickly stopped it when he see I am not going along with that. I am not going to be his victim for cyber sexual stuff on top of what he already has done to me. He sits down there in middle east and it was a time where he tried control me from his country, what I wear when I go out, if I drink, if this or that. I made him believe he has control. So far as to ask when my period started and ended.

The reason he is able to keep verbal abuse hidden is because he needs the contact for supply and when theres no threat for him in any way ( in his own mind ) he keeps calm and rational. He has been like this for 4 years.

The time he exploded and turned into Hyde was when he in his own mind thought I would not get him a green card and then he turned verbally abusive.

I am so used to his calm way for 4 years that I have sometimes even thought he is normal, and that it all was a big mistake and that he had an intermittent explosion. But the fact is that when he turned to Hyde he was calculated and evil and knew exactly what he did and he had no compassion for me crying, he told me to stop, are you finished now! and told me I am weak for crying and this when he wanted divorce right out of the blue not getting the green card.

I do sometimes think of and remember him turning to Hyde and the threats about losing him and that I was less than him. It was all calculated when he started his thoughts of divorce. It did go on for weeks should he divorce or not. When he heard I may still get him the green card he turned around, his face drop, he turned around saying he would NOT divorce. Back and forth for 3 weeks dragging me to the computer while I cried and did not sleep or eat. I know it was so calculated and evil, there was no empathy, nothing at all. He still dont understand the depth of the hurt I have gone through. And when he has been normal seemingly I have real problems cutting off the contact. I doubt myself even I know what he did back then. He didnt care one iota about me, still its gone so many years with his seemingly normal behavior, except for the strecthing the sexual moralty and that he utters no real understanding. He understand intelligently what he has done, but not the pain he caused me.

4 years with seemingly normal behavior, it makes it very hard for me to cut the contact. If he was verbally abusive I would have no problems cutting contact, I think. I would be sad, but it would be much easier.

he abused you, perhaps he is a sociopath who cannot have the normal range of emotions such as guilt and empathy or compassion.

this isn't your fault - you were just there at the time, if you weren't there, it would have happened to someone else.

Is it loneliness that keeps you speaking to him?

Yes, he is a narcissist or sociopath. This is why he has no real guilt or conscience about what he did. Its not my fault.

He also contradicted himself about love at that time. He could say he missed me and loved me in a very robotic way for a long long time after we married. I know now why. Later when he had started planning his divorce ( without my knowledge ) or during this time, he could say "I love you" and a minute after, in another sentence, that "I feel, but I dont feel very very much for you", then he could say "I didnt say I didnt love you".

He fabricated a ridicuolous excuse for the revocable divorce ( meaning he could take me back, back then ), making himself look better when we know both what he did. He divorced me with revocable divorce in case I would get him a green card. His excuse for not taking me back in time was that he was too late back in sharia court to take me back and I had then have had my period for the third month. He knew this very well but pretended to be so sad.

He didnt want me to come see him during the process. I told him if he dont want to see see me its better he leave. He had already divorced me at this point. Because of what I said he vanished in narcissistic injury and gave me the silent treatment for 7 months. I texted and emailed but he refused answering. Then he callled after 7 months like nothing had happened telling me we had respect for each other and could be talking like best friends.

Some months ago he wanted us to marry again. I was very confused about why I couldnt manage to say "I dont want to" and why I even thought of marrying him again, why I still did cling to that idea. I am so scared emotionally of cutting contact. But I know I cannot ever be happy with him because I know he doesnt love me or can love, I know he abused me and used me and I dont love him either. I just cling to something about what I lost.

Not long ago I saw he had created a FB profile and it said he was interested in women. It got too much for me. He tells me he would us to marry again, at same time he is interested in women. When I asked him about this I got told it was normal and he didnt want my life to be on hold. He meant what happens happen. He has no sense of time and the precious time of peoples life.

This is crazy and not love at all. Why dont I know that. I do know. I have known for so long and still I deny reality. Then I got reality back in my face by him wanting to marry me again, being interested in women and not wanting my life to be on hold. On hold until he figures out to marry. He does what is convienice to him.

He is very vain it seems and last year for a period over some months he kept on sending me selfies of himself and self made videos where he just looked into the camera. That has stopped. Before we married he told me he was sure I would love his eyes when I saw him.

He didnt want me down there and acted aloof and distant. Well first night down there he forced me to do something but after marriage he acted like he didnt want me. It was very hurtful.

I dont know if it is loneliness that makes me scared. I have problems finding out what I feel and what is so scary. I know I feel scared of the thought of cutting the contact or not having contact anymore. Maybe its fear of being all alone and no one to talk to. Maybe I am scared of letting go of what I wish I would have back then and so am afraid of letting go as it feels I let go of something I hold onto. If I let it go I feel like I am ripping the ground of under my feet.

I am sorry for ranting so much. I keep repeating telling my story over and over again for years as it seems this is something very hard for me to get over. What he did.

To add, when he talked about marrying again I got scared at same time I did cling to the idea. I told him I would be stupid if I did marry him in same way as the first time after what he did. I told him and have told him many times these years what he did, but he has never fully admitted what he did and how calculated it was and that he used me.

I told him I would be a fool if letting him just come here to my country without seeing the fact he is able to love me or love. How can you love when you didnt love the first time?, I said. I think you will get panic by my demands. I made some demands and he agreed to everything. He would not panic.

I was sure he would back down if I made demands and change his mind as I hoped both for him to change his mind so I could escape without having to tell him "I cant marry you" and I hope also for him to agree with my demands because that would in my denied reality proove he may could love me. Its very twisted. I know.

I had been longing for us to marry again for years. Only after he actually asked me to marry again I found out I cant. Because of what he did. Only when I do not deny reality and remember how cruel he was, only then do I face reality I cant marry him. I wouldnt be happy because I would never forget what he did and what he told me.

Then a month or two later I asked him about how he is thinking about it all. It seemd to me that my plan had worked, that he backed down.

Then I see he has set his Fb profile to be interested in women. I am sure he knew I would see it. I did. The marriage then seemed to be not so important as he doesnt want my life to be on hold at same time he try figure out with time should we marry if its for his convienince. Now it may not be so easy for him because of my demands to have a real marriage down there. I knew it would make him back down.

So it seems its back to the same.

Two months ago he wanted me to come down there in less than a month. After my demands he agreed to in everything he seems to have gotten the view its not working for him. I said he have till christmas or I will need to cut contact because this is getting to much for me and I cant move on. He said he understand but I know he will keep going with the contact. Its only me who can stop it, but I am scared.

he's not going to change, ever, but you can, you can get stronger -

I'd say cut all contact, eitherwise he's going to keep you stuck.

You are right, lowin, he will never change, ever. I only delude myself if I think so. I need to cut the contact and figure out how to be strong enough to do it.

Or he will as you say keep me stuck.

I thought yesterday that it might be an idea to have contact less and less over time. I dont think I am able to cut the contact asap, but will need to have a plan so I will survive emotionally. With less and less frequently contact I may get so sane and strong and free myself totally.

Thank you so much, lowinmood, for all your responses to me and that you heard me, and for your view and advice.

I don't think it is a matter of it being normal or not. I think if it makes you uncomfortable, you should be able to tell him not to do that. Its about what you are comfortable with.

Hi TerriLynn, yes...my chiropractor, if it wasnt for I liked him so much I would have told him not to smack.

You'll find the strength one day, I'm sure of it, having a plan sounds good.

Could you say to him that you now need to speak to him less via skype, such as just once a week, then once a fortnight, than once a month, then once every 3 mths and so on, you could just say that it hurts too much to speak to him regularly.

Yes, I am thinking exactly like you suggest. I think this is the only way I will be able to go through with this without totally falling apart.

If I say like you suggest, that it hurts too much and if I also say to him is getting too much for me to handle, I may not feel so inappropriately guilty or bad about it.

I know he will say he understand, but I doubt it will go so smoothly as I wish it to go. I am counting on that he will try something.

it's good that you think he'll be agreeable to it. And nothing much ever goes smoothly anyway!

Yes this is good and its true nothing much goes smoothly. I just hope it wont get me into more of his manipulation.