Is this normal?

the less contact he has with you, the less control he will have over you surely?

Yes, I do think so and this is what I hope. I just hope I will not give into anything if he starts something. But I hope it will be and go ok and that it wont be too difficult for me.

when are you going to start it? or have you already?

I havent started yet. I am scared and nervous because of my own feelings, afraid of falling apart or feel something I dont want to feel. I think I am afraid to feel lost and on my own totally.

I will have to start bring up this issue to him again slowly when I get the chance. I have problems saying it abruptly to him. I need to get my way in with him in a more smooth or careful way.

I will try start within the next week or weeks.

he is manipulating you, i wish you could get away fast, but i know that may not be all that easy. i worry about people in relationships that are not healthy, i've been in a few myself. i usually had to go cold turkey in ending them.

Yes, I think he is. But I couldnt see it for what it was back then and as time did go by I was already so trained to show up at exactly that specific time to talk to him. I didnt know so much about narcissism back then. Its been 4 years since he turned into Hyde. 5 1/2 years since we married. Its only the latest months I have started thinking that this actually is not fair. He is not the one who have suffered loss and love. He used me. He get to sit there getting my supply and attention while I sit and feed his wish for contact and that after having been used in a horrible and disrespectful way.

I will try get free from this constant contact with him every week. I dont know how to. But I will try. One time I thought about lying to him saying I have a boyfriend, but I dont want to lie. I started telling him the truth some months ago, that its too much for me since I saw this FB profile. But then one day in all this talk he said surprised "you dont want to talk to me anymore ( my name )???"and he said it with that look on his face like, like he found it somehow amusing and surprising. I said no, not like that and then he talked me back into let things just slide and to not worry me. I was told not to think too much about that FB profile, claiming he does not use it.

Another time he asked me if I still loved him. I said no I dont. He asked this because I was vulnerable or cried. He doesnt understand.

Yeah, right, in his mind I should may still love him after what he did when he didnt even ever love me at all. I told him that he never loved "me".

But this contact is not fair. I know who he can be behind the mask. Its been so long with seemingly normal behavior. Sometimes I think he is normal and all that I mentioned a bit earlier here. If I would experience Mr Hyde one more time I think I would get shocked out of this denial of reality.

I am sorry you have been in these relationships too. They say its best go cold turkey, but I cant seem to do it with this one who causes me such trauma.

In the beginning, its 3-4 years ago, he wrote me a couple emails every week to tell me we would talk at that set time. The time he decided. After a while, whether it was months or years, he stopped writing me the emails because I then had been showing up at this set time so long, so long that he knew he had trained me.

I did some times the latest one two years say I couldnt talk to him, if I should be with my friend. But I was already so far into what he expected of me.

I didnt even think about what really did go on and that its not fair.

he sounds very controlling and sounds like he has a strong power over you, I think it's time you took some of that power back, that he stole from you, and cut the contact completely.

Its scary because he hasnt really come across as very controlling to me, but I think its right that he is, that his control has been very subtle to me, because all these things he has done and said and told me is manipulation for his convinience, his wishes. He has not once respected the fact I have told him this is hard for me and that this contact is not the normal for a divorced couple. I have told him why its not normal..because of what he did. He say he knows. He has said he understand its hard for me, but then still continue the same contact like nothing.

One time he said he didnt want to think about the day we dont talk anymore.

He doesnt even want me. Not back then and it looks like not now either, I dont understand what he wants from me. I guess he only wants supply coming. That its all about the supply. Or that he has tried get a new chance of his green card. Because its clear he does not really want me.

Someone told me once that the conitnuing of having contact with him will not cause me to laugh long, but that tears will come. I did laugh couple years back because of the selfies and videos. They told me he is up to something, Maybe he wanted try get a green card again. I think it is only the supply. But lately one can wonder. Now it seems like its only supply again.

I will try my best. I cant continue like this forever.

One time when the verbal abuse was going on he also said he knew he did hurt me. But he didnt care doing it. He said a lot of things that were abusive.

I haven't read the whole thread
(for which I apologise)
from what I read he does sound like an abuser, probably a Sociopath.

I think cutting contact completely would be wise.

I've never been slapped by a chiropractor. Sorry to hear.

Fuzzybear, thank you for the hug Yes he is an abuser. I think I can say he is more than an abuser, yes like you say, a narcissist or sociopath, since he has no real emotional understanding of the pain he has caused me.

I will try to decrease the contact more and more.

Teddy Bear, you are right it sounds a bit weird. Its not a hard slap, only a slap on the side of the thigh, but hard enough to hear it, like a playful slap.

I giggled one time he did it and I looked at him when I turned around to se if he was serious or not and as I saw it he could as well have giggled himself as he looked amused or heated up I guess he looked like that because I giggled so it was kinda funny.

I still dont know if the slap is something chiropractors do. I cant picture me him slapping a man on his thigh. Lol

what do you mean by supply? do you mean he needs someone to control? Let's hope he finds another women and leave you alone, soon

Supply is when narcissists need narcissistic supply. They need people ( victims ) they can suck dry , to get attention or whatever they want from their different victims. We are their supply to fill them up or give them what they crave.

Till summer it will be 6 years since we married and he still has not found someone else. Its difficult down there I think. He was engaged to a woman before he met me, but he told me she cheated on him. I doubt that, it was probably him. Knowing what I know today and how he treated me. I am sure he has some other victims in some way or another. Whether it is online or somewhere.

I imagine he wanted get away from it all and wanted marry someone far away , to get away or maybe get a better life with more money, better paid work. If he planned on working at all as I would have had to support him. I bet he wouldnt have stayed with me longer than he needed too as he used me. He even told me he was afaid he would leave me in my country. He said a lot of bullsh*t and a lot of abusive and hurtful things to me when he thought I couldnt get him here. All kinds of nonsense, lying about his parents to make himself look better, admitting he lied.

When our marriage seemed normal ( even I sensed red flags ) and I thought things were ok/fine he said out of the blue one day, like nothing : " I`m not sure if I want to go to Norway, maybe I want to go to Australia". He said this while I was working with the papers and process. He wanted go to Australia while I, his wife, was sitting here working with the papers!!

This, what he said, only shows how wrong and different his brain are working compared to the normal ones.

when are you gong to cut the contact?

I will try these next weeks. From friday on.

good luck, I think you must do this, try to break free of him, at least you have your eye open with him, you know who he is, so next step is to break free. Without that you won't be able to move on, and you deserve a lot better than this.

Thank you. You are right, I cant fully move on when in contact with him. I told him this one time about 2-3 months ago. This is when he was looking surprised and kinda asked if I said I didnt want to talk with him anymore.
That is a pretty superior or entitled way of thinking of himself after what he did to me. If I had treated someone the way he treated me ( something I would never be able to ), I would have been so ashamed and disgusted by myself that I wouldnt even dare show my face and demand contact. But as a narcissist, they "can" and they "do".

I do deserve to be free of the reminder of what he did to me. And being in contact with him is not getting me to heal the way I should and could have.

I think this is one way I can start tell him I need space.

he probably doesn't care about you and your need to move on, he probably can only see it from his point of view - it's how narcassists as you already know

Yes you are very right, he see it only from his view and doesnt really consider how I feel.

good luck for tmrw Tearsinabottle x

Thank you, lowin

you can do it! you'll feel proud of yourself if you end up having less contact with him, make sure you will start today.