... I have so many issues, that I don't know where to start.

I think that first I need my "labels". I've been learning a lot by reading posts on PC and elsewhere, but I don't want to fool myself into thinking that I know what my problem is.

I took a few of the tests offered here on PC, and the results were: possibility of early schizophrenia signs, OCD is likely/high risk, moderate/severe depression, moderate anxiety, moderate ADD or ADHD.

I suffer from anxiety for as long as I can remember. Not to mention I often feel depressed since my teens, though it's eased now in my 40's.

Oh, and I know I also am (always been) extremely paranoid.

Based on what I've learned so far, I also suspect I might have been a child of narcissistic parents, my father being the main perpetrator of the abuse.

I've been having a lot of extra time for myself lately, and that's been no good really, because the memories of all the abuse I suffered as a kid/teenager are now resurfacing, and I remember things I long forgotten/blocked out. I think I'm at that "righteous anger" stage, I am blaming my parents for everything and revisiting all those past events and feeling all those feelings again... that's really hurting a lot.

I also show some signs of SPD, though I'm not a cold or apathetic person.

I don't really like communicating with people mostly because I think "no one gets me" and "I don't get them" either. I have nothing in common with anyone I meet, but I guess that's just my (lack of) luck.

And that brings it to the "socializing" thing, which I simply don't get. But I partly blame that on my upbringing, and that's another very long story.

And I like to keep my life private simply because it's nobody's business.

Anyway... I think that what I need is (most of all) to make kind of a checklist and focus on what's really bothering me at the moment.

I'm a mess, I need an evaluation and I'm thinking I should start by seeing a pdoc, but I might be wrong.

...

There are loads of other issues I'd like to list, but it's nearly 7 AM here, I have a nasty cold and couldn't sleep all night... once I get some rest I'll come back and give an update to this thread. I guess I just needed to get things started somehow, and maybe get some direction/encouragement...

If not for my wife, I don't think I'd bother seeking help really... I personally think I'm too far gone and beyond fixing, but hey, I might be wrong again and that wouldn't be the first (or last) time.

Thanks for reading.

[Mountainbard]

You say "I'm a mess, I need an evaluation and I'm thinking I should start by seeing a pdoc." You're exactly right. You can't deal with all this stuff on your own. You say you don't think you'd bother seeking help if not for your wife. But you definitely are not too far gone. You don't need "fixing." You do need help to deal with the issues your facing and achieve some stablity. Don't do it for your wife. Do it for yourself. You will both reap the benefit, but it is up to you to start the process.

[Skeezyks]

Hello BuildABridge: Well... I'm older than you are. But I can relate to allot of what you wrote. I think I could have written it. In fact... I think I probably have... somewhere. Although I am married, I am otherwise completely solitary... by choice.

I've seen a number of mental health professionals over the years. However none of them has ever actually given me a diagnosis. So I can't really say where I fit. Sometimes I think I've missed out on something. At other times I think perhaps it is a blessing. I don't know. One thing I do know is that my problems go back so far that the reasons for them will never be untangled. I've given up hope that this could even be possibility. And, like you, to the extent that I struggle with my mental health issues at all, it is only due to the fact that my wife needs me.

I don't see a therapist. I've seen a few. But all they ever did was take my money. I technically still have a pdoc. But where I live all they do is prescribe & monitor psych med's. And since med's are expensive, & they never really did me much good, I've discontinued them as well. At my last appointment with my pdoc, I told him I don't plan on returning to see him except for once a year just to keep my foot in the door, so to speak.

Anyway... despite my less than stellar experiences with the mental health system in my area, I do think it is worthwhile for you to see a psychiatrist & / or therapist. I have read posts written by members, here on PC, who have written that their T or pdoc saved their lives. It's certainly worth a try! Good luck!

Originally Posted by Mountainbard

You do need help to deal with the issues your facing and achieve some stablity. Don't do it for your wife. Do it for yourself. You will both reap the benefit, but it is up to you to start the process.

Hi Mountainbard,

Yeah, you are right. I'm just trying to avoid it getting to a point where it's going to mess up my marriage, so what I'm hoping is that therapy will help. Time will tell.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I've seen a number of mental health professionals over the years. However none of them has ever actually given me a diagnosis. So I can't really say where I fit. Sometimes I think I've missed out on something. At other times I think perhaps it is a blessing. I don't know. One thing I do know is that my problems go back so far that the reasons for them will never be untangled. I've given up hope that this could even be possibility. And, like you, to the extent that I struggle with my mental health issues at all, it is only due to the fact that my wife needs me.

I don't see a therapist. I've seen a few. But all they ever did was take my money. I technically still have a pdoc. But where I live all they do is prescribe & monitor psych med's. And since med's are expensive, & they never really did me much good, I've discontinued them as well. At my last appointment with my pdoc, I told him I don't plan on returning to see him except for once a year just to keep my foot in the door, so to speak.

Anyway... despite my less than stellar experiences with the mental health system in my area, I do think it is worthwhile for you to see a psychiatrist & / or therapist. I have read posts written by members, here on PC, who have written that their T or pdoc saved their lives. It's certainly worth a try! Good luck!

Hi Skeezyks,

Yeah, in fact I had all but given up hope that one day I'd be able to right the wrongs done to me in the past.

I'm hoping to be able to just make peace with all that and move on, but right now I feel kind of "thirsty for revenge", I'm at that stage where I wanted to sit them all in front of me, have them confessing their wrongdoing and begging me for forgiveness. Maybe I should hire a group of mercs instead of pdoc/t...

Back to reality... I know that the journey is gonna be long, my expectations are probably unrealistic and I might not get the closure I need in the end. We'll see how it goes, I'll keep you all posted.

Thank you both kindly for replying, and for your advice

[kecanoe]

I think you might also want to go to a psychologist for testing. They will have you do a bunch of tests/assessments and they can correctly diagnose you. Usually a psychiatrist doesn't have time to do all that.

I believe you can achieve resolution and forgiveness for the hurts of your childhood and I think you are on the right track.

I am glad you are taking this step. Glad you found PC. Best wishes on your journey

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I think you might also want to go to a psychologist for testing. They will have you do a bunch of tests/assessments and they can correctly diagnose you. Usually a psychiatrist doesn't have time to do all that.

That's what I needed to know but wasn't sure, thank you!

I've been told all my life that there was something wrong with me. Teachers at schools would call my parents to tell them that. Other kid's parents would tell me that. "Shut up! You're too loud! You talk too much! You're weird! I don't want you playing with my kids anymore!". Kids themselves would push me away, too.

It didn't change much as I grew up. Always I was the one with a problem. Girlfriends would tell me that too. Adult life hasn't been any different, except that people now only look at me with pity, silently, as if saying "Oh well, I told him there was something wrong, he never listened...".

Well, that's finally sunk in I guess. I'll go and see what's really so wrong with me (or is it them?) that people made me suffer so much for. I just need someone to tell me where I fit, and get it sorted.

Thanks again.