[Blgame]

This is my first attempt to reach out to an online community to discuss my mental issues so please bear with me if I ramble or bore any of you.

A year ago I sought treatment because 1. I've been dealing with personal turmoil since early puberty and leading up to then I had been progressively becoming more distraught and 2. Close friends supported my desire to seek treatment. After going through multiple sessions and a few changes to medications my psychiatrist decided I had Bipolar Depression and ADHD. The medication at first seemed to work (Depakote, Paxil, Vyvanse) but after 4-6 months it seemed to taper off. I also lost my girlfriend/her son around that time so after that I lost the will to keep trying. I've been unemployed for over 4 maybe 5 months (perception of time has become nonexistent) and I've been praying for death to come.

My issue isn't so much that the meds aren't working as well as they used to since they at least maintain my will to live but rather I feel like I'll never feel "normal" or at least content with my life.

This is where I start to ramble so I apologize in advance.
Recent issues:
I have been in the military for over 5 years now in the Guard. I never sought treatment because I was ashamed of my personal issues and I was afraid of being kicked out of the military. After treatment started I was relieved but after my recent mental breakdown I finally reached out to my fellow military members. They directed me to the military crisis hotline and since then I've only been seen a few times. I'm afraid they won't be able to find me someone that can work me through my issues because it's moving so slow and I won't be able to get a person that can actually interpret my complex problems or answer my even more complex questions. Which leads me to my Segway.

My biggest issues start when I was young. Those being my inability to speak to others from my inappropriate/atypical thoughts questions, my fetish(s) that I am EXTREMELY ashamed of and have told not a single person including my family whom I tell everything, conflicting thoughts of religion and the pursuit for knowledge, and my self deprecating view of self from the long held credo of self improvement.

You see I lack comfort to be social because of how much it bores me. Growing up I always had questions but eventually no one would give me an answer that would satisfy me. I'd then ask for them to clarify by asking a different question but would grow tired of trying to get a answer. My dad always did his best and 97-99% of the time he gave me a straight answer that I was content with. Him and Uncle Steve always had fun interesting things to talk about with me. I loved it but when I'd take that to other family members or friends/associates/ext they would think of it as a strange thought or something they didn't want to discuss. Eventually my dad and to a degree my mother, occasional interactions with Uncle Steve, some talk with siblings, and sparse conversations with peers/others were the only times in that order that I would have the opportunity to have a conversation that allowed the spark of life in me to come out. The majority of the time I'd remain quite and only speak when absolutely necessary or I had a thought/question interesting enough or appropriate to make conversation but not scare them away with a bizarre left field question way off the typical means for chitchat or standard communication. Eventually people in general bored me so I'd just not talk unless absolutely necessary. Then life in general became boring. Video games and the internet became my outlet. I'd play and read because they invoct thought or allowed me to apply strategic thoughts of scenarios that I thought would succeed and remain within my parameters of morals.

Along with being smothered by the boredom of life I became conflicted with the questions of existence. I tried asking questions to discover the truth or purpose of what all this is to parents or church members but the topics were considered inappropriate and hushed.

In the end I want to just find someone to have a conversation with me and answer my questions. And if there isn't any answer I want to attempt to conceptually discover some form of an answer. I want a mentor. My dad is one but I want someone that I could tell everything to including the 1-3% I've told no one because of the shame I feel about it. I'm tearing my self apart every second of every day for as long as I remember. I need help and I need it now, I can't keep living like this. When I'm social I pretend because my thoughts are absolutely not conventional. I need that conversation with that mentor asap. This is a big issue of mine.

I'm sorry if this is confusing but I need some validation that I'm not beyond help. If anyone can give me their two cents I would greatly appreciate it.

Hi there!

There's no need to apologize, this is what this site is for: a place to let out what's bothering us and hopefully get some answers!

First, can I just say, what a wonderful dad and uncle you have! Wow, I wish my father would at least listen to me. You're lucky in that respect, having two family members you can trust and talk freely to, and I'm happy for you!

There's a lot of different areas here on PC and also the chat, so keep browsing to find the area where you can post your concerns whenever you feel like sharing them, and hopefully you'll find someone to help you out with that 1-3% of things that are causing you trouble.

Please come back as often as you need, whenever you need help!

Have a nice day and good luck!

[Out There]

Hi and welcome - you are not rambling and you are not boring. Perhaps you could look into an existential / humanistic approach possibly in therapy to help with questions and conceptual discovery.

[Serzen]

Welcome, you'll find lots of support and nice people around here!

I would recommend reading books about Spirituality. They can give you many interesting answers.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Blgame: Welcome to PsychCentral! The Skeezyks is always available to correspond. (Be aware though that he's an elderly goat!) You're welcome to Personal Message me, here on PC, any time.

Of course, I don't know what it is you're dealing with in terms of fetishes. But since I have been transgender my entire life, I do have some experience with this sort of thing.

As far as spirituality goes... I'm sort-of Buddhist by nature. I have read where the Buddha supposedly taught that nothing is hidden. I take this as my mantra.

The Skeezyks sends warm wishes your way. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connection to the community you will develop. So keep posting!

Hi BLgame,

I'm retired from the U.S. Navy, but I'm certainly not your typical "macho man." I'm gay, so concepts such as shame and judgment are not new to me. Furthermore, I'm nonjudgmental, so there's nothing you can say to me that's going to elicit an emotion of "disgust."

I've even called the Crisis Line myself (ends in 8255, please press 1--correct?). Hey, I'm going to send you a Private Message (PM) because I feel that would be beneficial.

Hang in there, my friend.

[avlady]

i hope you can find what you need here and otherwise. you are not boring and if you need to vent you can do it here too. i do hope you get validation, i know myself i need it too. i usually don't get it and don't know why either, maybe i just can't express myself good enough? well good luck and i hope you can learn from others here too.

[spondiferous]

You sound perfectly fine to me. I too have questions and prefer to have conversations well off the beaten path. I know I'm too intense for most people, so I isolate a lot. I explore things through my writing and, once upon a time, through reading a lot and watching films of a dark and/or exploratory nature. I've had so many experiences that do not add up to a tidy sum. There's nothing neat and orderly about my life. The best we can do is the best we can do. You can message me any time you like. I'm pretty difficult to shock, scare or bewilder. I'll send you a PM and a friend request, in case you don't see this response. Hang in there.

BLgame, you sound like you have an exceptionally high IQ and you find people boring. I totally understand what you are saying. I have always thought outside the box and was called weird for doing so. I think abstract and think so far down the road that i lose most people trying to follow me. You are in good company here. Most of us struggle with communication with others, that is a given. I find most of us who suffer MI is due to our intelligence and people not being able to understand us. You shall not be judged here my friend. Welcome to the PC family. Feel free to pm any of us here, we are here for you, blessings