[Downunder mummy]

Hey,

I was fooling around on Google, looking for a term I couldn't quite articulate, not so much a term, but a feeling. As I typed in why do I feel ashamed or embarrassed when I have fun, I realised I was way off track. Nevertheless I continued and came to another question I couldn't answer, am I a bad person? Why do I feel that I am such an awful person?

I have a long history of abuse and neglect from my alcoholic father and then an extremely volatile marriage to a narcissist. I suffer from ptsd as a result.

I also suffer from a major depressive disorder and have been diagnosed BPD?

But this ingrained feeling in me that I am bad, dirty and worthless just won't give up. I try my best to be a good person. But I just feel like I'm just a piece of ****.

And the other question, why do I feel stupid if I have too much fun? I feel like a complete idiot if I can't keep my excitement under wraps. I wish I didn't have to live with me

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

Do you believe this because someone told you or that your in conflict with your morals?

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[Serzen]

That's because your inner dad won't let you have fun. Every time you start to enjoy yourself and feel good your dad emerges and tears your sandcastle down.

Maybe this helps: it's the type of therapy I do, it's very neat.

As Eric Berne said, we all play games. Some of them are nutritive and some destructive. Your call...

[Downunder mummy]

When I feel emotional, any emotion, I feel like I have to keep it under wraps. I apologise a lot for my emotions.

I worry about people thinking I'm stupid for having too much fun.

Let me set a scene:

There's a middle aged mum, cuddly in size, hair starting to grey and false teeth that don't fit properly. There's a rope swing that reaches out into a river. The scene is set. She approaches the swing and gets on, as she starts to swing she is nervous. What does my tummy look like? Will I have a wardrobe malfunction? Will I fall off?

This situation is not around people, so imagine how I feel when there are people around.

I took my kids to the pool the other day. There was diving boards, a splash pad and a great big water slide. I said to my partner that if there was no one around, I'd be diving off the diving board and going on the slide.

I will look at those links when I have time to myself when the kids go to bed.

Thanks heaps for taking the time to read and answer, it means a lot xo

[marmaduke]

Just do it. Dive off that board go on the slide you sound like great fun.
Don't care about what others think no one will notice, and, in the unlikely event they did so what. Life's to short to worry about what others think!

After saying that years ago I was acutely aware of others. I was cripplingly shy.
Took years of work on my self esteem to change that.
It can be done.

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[nicoleflynn]

We are all born perfect and innocent. Somewhere along the way a person(s) told us lies about ourselves, and we have to struggle to overcome them. No one is born hating themselves. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key.

[peoplechange2]

Originally Posted by Downunder mummy

Hey,

I was fooling around on Google, looking for a term I couldn't quite articulate, not so much a term, but a feeling. As I typed in why do I feel ashamed or embarrassed when I have fun, I realised I was way off track. Nevertheless I continued and came to another question I couldn't answer, am I a bad person? Why do I feel that I am such an awful person?

I have a long history of abuse and neglect from my alcoholic father and then an extremely volatile marriage to a narcissist. I suffer from ptsd as a result.

I also suffer from a major depressive disorder and have been diagnosed BPD?

But this ingrained feeling in me that I am bad, dirty and worthless just won't give up. I try my best to be a good person. But I just feel like I'm just a piece of ****.

And the other question, why do I feel stupid if I have too much fun? I feel like a complete idiot if I can't keep my excitement under wraps. I wish I didn't have to live with me

Due to your history of sexual assault (me too), and there it is. It increases over the years and not unusual to blame yourself. Psychotherapy is your best shot along with any meds u are ordered to cope. Good Luck! Oh check out your thyroid too. Stress kills it.