[NotImportantAtAll]

First of all apologies for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language. Also apologies for a possible long text. I do not know if this is the right subforum to place this.

For many years now I have been depressed. It all started at primary school, every class has one person who instantly is considered the weakest of them all. I was that person, I was reserved, didn't talk if I nothing was said to me, introvert in every way. Naturally I was a perfect target for bullies. Primary school was hell for me, daily being called names, excluded from everything, just being an outcast. They did tons of things, like taking away my shoes and socks, filling them with snow. Threatening me with death a day after a close family member passed away. Calling me tons of humiliating names day after day.

After primary school I thought it would stop, a new school and new chances. Sadly I was wrong, it only got worse, in high school I got beaten up many times. It was basically like a video game, a new level, it just got more difficult to survive. Then came college... maturity... well let's just say that most classmates there didn't mature at all, even when you should expect this at such an age.

Got bullied for many reasons, none good of course. I was bad at sports, wasn't a loudmouth such as most, I enjoyed video games, didn't like the same type of music and so on. Now the thing is... I could never let go of all the hate I got for the bullies, it's consuming me day after day, I notice that I get more aggressive, more violent every day. Don't have any healthy ways of letting go from it, all I do is destructive to myself. It's at a maximum level now. I went to a psychologist, was diagnosed with minor depression, the treatment didn't work at all since nothing changed. I reached my maximum time of the treatment with this psychologist so I was referred to another. Had to answer many question forms this time. They didn't give me a concrete name of any disorder, they just said the test gave results related to paranoia and severe depression, sadly for some reason treatment doesn't start till end of the year, I can't wait that long... I already am at my limit and don't think I can endure any more pain but they really sad there was no way to speed this up. I overthink daily, don't trust anybody, don't have friends, even if I get close to somebody I destroy the friendship by becoming totally paranoid and accusating them of things that are all in my head yet I do not notice this until after it has happened. Never had a girlfriend either. Feel totally alone and suicidal, but don't have the guts to do it since I don't want to leave my family nor pets alone with the burden I leave behind then.

Does anybody have any advice, anything at all that might help me with just finding a way to deal with my problems? Thanks.

Hi and welcome to PC, you are safe here and this is a supportive, friendly environment.

You have gone through so much and it sounds like you are at your wit's end. I empathize and I am concerned for you.

In your current state, being suicidal and aggressive - I think you need help right now. Is there a hospital that provides mental health crisis services you can check into ? Explain you are suicidal and aggressive - this will give you a safe place to get immediate care and stabilized. In the USA, some of these hospitals are government-funded and are free. Others are not free but work on a sliding income scale or will let you make small monthly payments. Also, you can go directly to a "regular" hospital and go to their Emergency room and explain your situation. They can help you from there.

I know you don't want to burden your family or leave your pets behind - but this is exactly when you need to reach out to family and let them know what is going on. If they don't live nearby, ask someone like a neighbor to take your pets to be safely kept at a veterinary clinic while you get the care that you need NOW.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing and we are glad that you are here. Take care.

[Skeezyks]

Hello NotImportantAtAll: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

The Skeezyks is an old man now. But, years ago, I suffered very much as you have suffered. I don't know if it destroyed my life. But it certainly didn't help. I found what you wrote about the diagnoses you've received & the results of the testing that's been done with you to be of interest because I've had similar experiences. I've been told I just have depression & maybe anxiety... nothing too serious... I'm not a mental health professional. But I suspect I probably have some PTSD as a result of what I went through. And, from what you wrote, I would imagine you do as well.

Not knowing how things work in your country, or what services are available to you, I can't really offer much in the way of suggestions. I think it is important though to find some type of mental health services as soon as possible. And also keep posting here on PC. Writing about your circumstances can help. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. Also, once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved, there are chat rooms where you'll be able to connect with other members here on PC in real time. You may find this beneficial as well.

I will tell you that if your experience is like mine, the trauma you have suffered will not go away by itself. Even at my now advanced age, I believe I still struggle with the after-affects of what I experienced. So please do pursue all available opportunities to get the help you need. My best wishes to you...