what is this?

I wasn't sure where to post this, so i'm guessing here is the right spot. Anyway, I've been having some trouble with things and I can't put a finger on what it might be. I thought maybe some of you guys might know? Well, I've always been at least a little paranoid, a worry wart, whatever you wanna call it, in the past. But for some time it's been getting worse. I always seem to have something stressing me out. In the past I always used to be sad, i used to cut, and was suicidal. I did see a counsoler, but stopped. Then it wasn't so much feelings of sadness, it became anger. I would blow up on anyone. I did stop cutting, but it seemed like that energy went into anger. For some time I just can't seem to relax, especially at night. It gets worse then. I do feel sad, discouraged, no named, and unimportant, just not as much as i used to. The anger is still there, but now that i don't have a job and i'm a stay at home mom for the moment, it seems it's easier to cope with because there aren't people to just set me off. The problem now is the paranoia. It's gotten so bad, it's like I start thinking of something that i really dont want to think about, but just can't stop. It's like an image will pop into my head, it scares me, but i can't shake it. I'm always fearing someone breaking into the house when i'm alone with my daughter, so i check all the closets to make sure. I always hear things and think it's the worst. I check in with my daughter when she's sleeping to make sure she's okay. (some of the things that run through my head are so terrible, maybe because of some recent things that have happened close by) I used to love thunderstorms, but now i am so scared of them. I always think that a tornado is coming and what will we do? Even when i do go to sleep it's not much of an escape as i always seem to have nightmares. (most are of murders or tidalwaves or war like things) I do think i need therapy, but we have no money. (more stress) I'm trying to get a job, and my old job said that they are getting a rehire number, so i'm waiting. i just wish i could put a finger on what this is, if it's just me acting crazy, in my head, or what. I'm sorry to babble on and on, but i don't know what else to do. Any of your advice or anything would be great. Thank you for taking time and reading this, it was very hard to come to terms with and actually talk about. Thank you again.

*~in my field of paper flowers, candy clouds a lullaby, i lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me~*

Hello honey and welcome to these forums.

I agree that from what you describe therapy would be a good step. You have already made much progress in the past to get to this point and there is no reason your progress can't continue.

Maybe you can see if there is a clinic in your area that might offer treatment to those who cannot afford it. Many communities have a place where people can get free help or help on a sliding scale based on what you can afford.

It might also help to find a local support group. These are free and a good chance to get away and be around other people who understand and you can share what's going on if you want to. Even just listening can be good.

And of course this place is helpful too, to hear what others have to say or just to vent.

You've come a long way so hang in there. Good luck.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Hi,

It does soud like you are going through alot right now. I agree with Dexter and ozzie on Therapy.

I do hope you will let us know how things are going, it was probubly a big relief to let all of that out. Thank you for sharing with us. I feel better sometimes when I journal, and release my fears or anger. Best wishes to you and your child.

Take Care,
Kris

I wish hope for us all

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

What kind of things have happened close by? The symptoms you are describing sound a lot like PTSD to me. Look it up under disorders (on the menu bar above), and see if it sounds familiar to you. I really would suggest therapy. Even though money is tight, there are usually ways to get therapy on a sliding fee scale at a low cost.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

thanks guys, it's a relief to know that i'm not crazy or that it's just in my head. it did take a lot to let that out. i'm looking into therapy, it's something i've needed for a long time. thanks for helping!!!! yes, i am really glad i found this place!

*~in my field of paper flowers, candy clouds a lullaby, i lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me~*