Am I being a sour grape?

My daughter's school is having an awards ceremony. Only certain students will be getting medals and certificates for top grade point averages and subject awards. (How the heck you earn a social studies or history award I have no idea.....but I'm assuming it has alot to do with how much butt you kiss). Anyway, my daughter made honor roll and had perfect attendance and will be allowed to stand at her seat and be recognized as a group for the honor roll and perfect attendance, but will not be getting one of the special individual recognitions. I'm thinking about not going to this awards ceremony. The reason is that I have sat through 2 awards ceremonies the past 2 years where certain students got "fluff" awards for nothing more than being a good butt kisser. They got to walk across the stage and receive plaques and medals for crap awards. My daughter got nothing and had to sit and watch dopes get awards for things they did not deserve. I happen to have a shy daughter who is not good at standing out and kissing teachers butts and I'm also not a helicopter parent that works behind the scenes to make sure my child gets a "fluff" award. It's sickening to have to sit through these things. Should I say to heck with this ceremony and stay home in protest.....enough is enough?! Or should I go anyway and be there to see my daughter stand with all the other bricks in the wall and show her my support in spite of it all?

Sorry your daughter isnt getting the reconizion she deserves for being an all around good kid. I think as a parent i would feel a little sour too. But also as parents we got to suck it up and put our emotions aside for our kids sakes. Yeah you know you gotta go. If they are not gonna give her and the other kids like her the praise they deserve then its all the more reason to be an extra loud cheerleader for her. Let those kids know that quietly doing the right thing everyday IS a big deal. Its an even bigger deal than exceling in one area! Cuz truly it is. Sounds like you have raised a great kid So forget the pta moms and all the bs ppoltics and go be the proud mama you deserve to be cuz you did better than push your daughter to excel academically...You raised A WELL ROUNDED GOOD PERSON AND THAT IS A HUGE THING!

Bottom line, attending the ceremony shows your daughter that you care about her.

Hi lovethesun. I feel your frustration. When I graduated college I was .05 points away from getting my degree Phi Beta Kappa, and all because I turned one paper in a day late. (chuckle) My friends said I should have told the professor what his grade was costing me, and he would probably have changed the grade. But I didn't want to put myself into the position of having to plead for a better grade. (A lot of students did that kind of thing, but I could never bring myself to do it.)

However, I used to teach, and I know that students can be given awards for variety of reasons based on a variety of criteria depending on the type of award and the type of school. Why not ask the teachers at your daughter's school what they are basing their judgements on when deciding which students should get an award. The student with the highest grades? A special project? A contest? Participation in an academic club plus academic performance?

If they are making their decisions based entirely on a teacher's subjective opinion, that's wrong. But if there is something specific that your daughter could be doing to get more recognition, she has a right to know what it is.

One thing to keep in mind, the students who are the most successful in school are not necessarily the most successful in life. This has never been more true than today.

--Ceara1010

Your daughter is on the honor roll and has perfect attendance and you are considering not going to make a political statement? The only one you would be hurting is your daughter. Go and support her and please don't compare her recognition to what others are getting. Just be proud. Congrats!

Good point, Sizzlestik.

As a teacher, I know that those awards, at least in my experience are not for butt kissing as you call it. The subject awards are generally given to the strongest student we teach. That is partially based on grade, along with responsibility, leadership, citizenship, etc. You don't know what each teacher based their award on and it is ashame that you speak in such a derogatory manner about other students. Your daughter is being given due recognition for her own achievements yet all you seem focused on is insulting the other students and their teachers. Attempt to keep your focus on showing your pride for your own daughter's awesome academic success in achieving honor roll. She has earned that award and what she wants from you is your support and praise, not for you to insult the other students and teachers out of jealousy. Focus on her, not on your anger at everyone else. This isn't about you. In your post you have referred to your daughter as a brick in the wall. Really? What a shame. Why would you want her to have one of those "fluff" awards if they are just the crap you describe them as. Listen to yourself and please don't let your daughter hear speak about this the way you do. It would be so hurtful.

How are you going to explain to your daughter that expressing your bitterness was more important than being with her for a significant occasion and recognition?

I agree Bill3 but I have another few thoughts too. How do you know these other students butt kissed their way to awards? What on earth is your evidence? I myself was a multiple award winner. I worked very hard and made a great deal of sacrifices - especially socially - to earn these. I would have been devastated had a parent not shown up for the ceremony.

Last year I witnessed a student get an award because of the board her parents were on. It was an award the student did not deserve as the student's behavior that I had witnessed was in no way the "good character" this award was for. It was a joke and quite frankly painful for me to watch as many behavioral issues with this student directly affected me. I kept my mouth shut and did not let my opinions be known in front of my daughter. So perhaps I'm painting with a broad brush because of that experience when I say that all of these awards are "fluff". But these awards are very subjective by their nature (subject awards) because they are mostly based on a teacher's perception of a certain student. Not based on things you can calculate such as grades. And I guess with that in mind, no, I wouldn't want my daughter to have one anyway. And I'm not speaking out of jealousy when I use words such as "fluff" and "crap". I'm speaking as a person who has witnessed unfair treatment over and over again and am tired of it. That's all. I will go to my daughter's awards ceremony and pretend not to see the "fluff" stuff. Perhaps as a parent that is the best thing I can do. If I don't acknowledge the "fluff" stuff, then it won't exist in my daughter's mind either and all that will matter is her. That will be my best revenge.

I can't, so I'll go. See my reply to Lolagrace.

You're right. I will go to the ceremony.

One thing to keep in mind, the students who are the most successful in school are not necessarily the most successful in life. This has never been more true than today.

Very true! And for any parent that is behind their student getting an award, they better watch out. The hole they are digging is wide and deep.

lovethesun, your anger scares me. It's not healthy for you or your daughter.

LauraBeth, I'm frustrated. That's why I've turned to this site for some advice. Obviously I am concerned about my daughter's feelings and how my frustration could affect her that's why I titled my post "Am I Being a Sour Grape?". And if you think I'm being one that is fine. Again, that is why I asked the question here. I'm sorry if I scared you in some way. For the most part I'm an easy going person. In fact some people over the years have accused me of being too passive throughout my life. I guess I was just so burned by what I've witnessed in the past that my frustration has caused me to question what I do in the future when it comes to these awards ceremonies.

Overall it's not a good idea to worry what other people get. There is always someone who has less than us or more than us. Worrying what others have and being upset that they got more is victim mentality.

Enjoy your daughters accomplishments, be happy about them and don't worry what other kids got. You don't know for sure why they got what they got and why it's even matter. It just makes you upset and angry over nothing.

As about what you do in the future is attend events if your daughter got an award and celebrate regardless what other kids got.

I am a parent too and I never even thought that some kids got this or that, I only worry about mine.

As a teacher I just gave awards to graduating seniors, first of all it was discussed in our team and second of all they would be hurt if someone thought they got awards for butt kissing. Certainly not. You have no proof what they got it for and why, so stop worrying about it and just enjoy your own kid

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I've can't even comprehend anyone who can say that a middle school student has to kiss butt to get an award.

This is MIDDLE school! They're little kids! Not even young adults! Awards have always been a big deal for me. I have never kissed butt to get one, in fact I worked really hard, and I've never been the straight-A, smart, hard-working, sophisiticated 13 year old. I was that weird suicidal kid nobody liked that spent her lunch crying, sitting in the teacher's room, or having lunch with the mentally impaired kids (who were the only group of kids in school who accepted me and treated me with kindness, and they were so sweet.)

I believe those fluff awards are for those kids who truly need recognition. Not everyone can be a straight-A student, but there is always a kid who may not be the best at everything but be the best for what they feel passionate for. The Young Writer's award was a big deal for me. I was the best writer in the whole school, it was my passion, and it may be a fluff award, but it was everything for me and it challenged me to pursue my passion even when I had crappy grades and didn't pay much attention in class. Some people thrive on history or science and it may be their passion, so who are you to judge that those fluff awards may be what keeps them in school?

You are right, lovethesun. I think people are being too hard on you as the title of your thread shows that you are aware that you may be taking the awards-thing much too personally. When someone is showing that they are questioning their reaction, they shouldn't be jumped all over; their questioning should be encouraged and validated.

Is your daughter in middle school or high school? (I thought it was high school because I didn't know kids got awards in middle school--I've never heard of that and it certainly didn't happen in my day.) I responded to your first post the way I did because I thought it was high school and many parents are very concerned about their children being high achievers there because college and university admissions has become sooooooo competitive nowadays. It isn't necessarily selfishness to push high school kids to over-achieve these days--it's often simply strategy, and the tight job market today is one of the things shaping it.

I think you have made the right decision to go to the awards ceremony. And if your daughter is just in middle school, don't worry about awards as they will have no bearing on her future. Sounds like she's doing great and I am sure you are very proud of her. The fact that you feel she deserves more recognition than she is getting is proof of this.

--Ceara1010

Ceara1010.....Thank you, Thank you.....a million thank yous for your comment and trying to see it as I see it. I've received some good advice, but do feel a bit jumped on. My daughter is in middle school and I guess I'm looking at this awards ceremony and future ceremonies through the damaged lens from my bad experience last year. I'm going to move forward a little less angry and try not to be so paranoid and just be glad for the goodness I have in my life. I'm always getting an angel whisper in my ear that says, "you can't steer your own car if you're always trying to steer someone elses". For some reason I always ignore this whisper and I always end up worse for it. Guess I need to start heeding it.

I'd like to address this assumption: namely, I don't think it's necessarily so. I didn't know they still did awards like that - they had them when I was in grade school and I understood they were for excellence in particular subjects - high averages and such, as opposed to overall GPA. As far as I know, they have nothing to do with kissing butt (or at least, not much). You get a history award by doing really well in history, a math award for excelling in math, etc.

You may be right, but I still question these awards because my daughter has had a 100 for a grade in science all year long. Always put forth 110% on science projects. Always followed the class rules and never got in trouble. Yet, she did not receive the "science award". Maybe the teacher decided to give it to a student that struggled all year long and finally got their act together at the end. Maybe the teacher decided to give it to a student that comes from a difficult home life but still managed to do well in class. Maybe the teacher decided to give it to a student that did horribly in science but always chatted up the teacher and had a smile on their face. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. And if you can do all my daughter did and still not get the award, then it's just as well she not get it as there's no way to earn that award. I just get the feeling these awards are very subjective and I come from a background where awards are given based on excelling at something. Oh well. Time to move on down the highway as they say.

Wow.

I'm a teacher. Your posts make me feel rather disgusted. To answer your question: yes you are certainly being a sour grape.

Be proud of your daughter for her accomplishments. But don't insult the other students, the other parents, or the teachers! You have zero idea about any of them. And, like pretty much everyone, you are very likely to have a strong bias towards your daughter (which is natural).
The students earn their award. They don't kiss ***** to get an award - most teachers are totally annoyed by attempts at sucking up! But there are limits to how many kids get which award, so if you have a large tie academically then you have to look at other factors that come into play in the classroom.

Maybe that's true in your classroom and your school. And if so, good for you! But it wasn't true at the school we were at. That's my experience that I was speaking from. And I have a right to feel the way I do based on what I experienced. My point in posting was not to insult teachers. It was to ask for advice on how to handle my particular situation at the particular school where my daughter attends. I wasn't speaking about all students and all teachers everywhere.

Please let's remember that the basis of Psych Central is to be supportive in posting. Some of you feel slighted or upset, understandably so, but let's not call one another out for their own personal opinions and experiences, which are all different.

It seems this thread has run it's course and will now be closed.