Think I'm in trouble

My primary doc took the button away so I couldn't try and cancel my appointment on the website. I wasn't going to cancel anyway--I'm planning to show--but its his way of "secretly messaging me" to say that he wants me there. I've had a number of health related problems, so I don't know if its that or the fact that I'm off Adderall now since I ran out over the weekend--but I really, Really think he wants to see me because of BOTH--especially the part about not having any more Adderall. That's what makes me behave so I don't do damage to myself. And I've been having some "moods" the past few days. I send him emails virtually every day. He can't reply, so he came up with alternative methods of of telling me things--like taking away the button on their website to cancel appointments, LOL. He's a good doc. Takes a lot frustration from me, I bet. Sometimes I make him laugh. He isn't supposed to acknowledge that he gets the emails, and he doesn't really. But he's slipped a couple of times and has let on in other ways. Between my health issues and not having the Adderall, there could be a chance of him putting me in the hospital for one or the other, or both. I really don't know. I am sure I must cause him alot of grief. I drag him in with my unsolicited emails, and there is virtually nothing he can do because I'm not supposed to even email him this way. I used to work within the system there so I knew how the email address was formatted and I've been abusing it. I had to have been really hard on him one day last month when I hadn't been taking the Adderall and was impulsive to doing damage to myself and OD'd on my heart med. It was right outside or near the office, too. Think he had someone--maybe his daughter?!--sit outside and watch me, and send text messages as to what I was doing. I can't say for sure, but it felt/seemed that way. It's sweet, if it was true. I still haven't found someone to prescribe the Adderall for me yet. The last two places I called haven't called me back either! Sadly, that seems to be normal.

Inky,

I have been away from the internet for some time now & just finally got a large enough antenna to get my wireless conntection through my huge walnut tree in my front yard.

I have been wondering how you have been doing & it looks like things haven't gotten any better.....more like worse.

I find it so sad that your crys for help are being ignored or not being acted on. I know that my primary care doc didn't want to get involved in my psych issues either when I was going through the trauma with my Mother & the anorexia that followed......but I had a pdoc that he was always in contact with even though my pdoc didn't have priviliges in the hospital my primary care Doc had me in for my medical condition.

I know that if I were in your position, the hospital would definitely be a safe place to be in.....especially with your psych & medical conditions. I know that it is hard for medical Dr's to put people into the hospital unless there is a serious medical condition.....where psych Dr's can put you into the psych hospital at the drop of a hat.

Is there any chance that your primary care Dr can help you find a pdoc that can take you on as a patient......it seems that since he is in the medical field that he would have some contacts that could help you with that part of your life.

I know the many, many, many, many times I OD'ed in my past life, my primary care Dr, ended up caring for me until I was well enough to be in the psych part of the hospital.....but that was in a hospital where they had a psych hospital.

I remember 2 years ago when I couldn't get any help for the situation I was in, I remember how much I just wanted someone to help me.....my pdoc didn't know what to do, & neither did my GP. I was floundering & those feelings were horrible, striking out in any direction, hoping that someone would help.....& I am sure you must be feeling those feelings more than I did.

I don't know why you can't get any help through the social services.....it's not like you own anything or have any means of income.......let alone your health being what it is. I am sure that you have tried all avenues of getting help, but there comes a time, where you can't do it by yourself & you need help to get the help that you need. It seems that your primary care Dr even though it's hard for them to get that involved with their patients, needs to step in & help you get the help you need. Maybe if you come out & directly ask your primary care Dr & don't hint in emails, maybe he can help you find the people who can help you. Sometimes people need to be asked directly for help....otherwise, they either don't want to get that involved, or they don't know just what they need to do to help. He honestly sounds like your best source of help......without the sly emails that he shouldn't know about & all that other stuff that is your cry for help.......just come out at your next appointment & see what he can actually do for you. (Obviously, I don't know if you have already done this before....since your posts seem to only talk about the emails you send him on the sly...that he shouldn't even acknowldege getting)

I know it is hard to directly ask for help....I know that most of the time, I would say things to my Dr's & expect for them to know what I really meant by what I was hinting at.

Your situation has go on long enough & it is obvious that you need help from someone else to get the help that you need just to survive. I keep praying for you & wishing I was there to be the one to go out & do the leg work to get you the help you need......you definitely need an advocate there for you.....no one in this USA should be in the situation you are in.....but then again, the homeless people in Los Angeles & other huge cities shouldn't be in that situation either. There isn't enough people to help people in your situation.

And then again I can go back to the situation with my Mother & the social workers in the hospital who wrote down the words on the papers that say just the right things & sound perfect for their supervisors.....but the actions behind the words aren't there to make anything that is written down actually happen. I am also angry with those people in the position to help people because they aren't consciencious enough to follow through & help people in need either.

I pray that you can get your primary care Dr to get involved to the point where he can help you find someone who can follow through & get you the help you need. It seems to me that once you get the help you need to get things get straightened out in your life & you get out of the hopeless situation you are in, everything else will start improving. You are caught in a deep rut with no one to give you the hand you need to help you out.....hopefully your primary care Dr can be the one to give you that hand....since he seems to be the only person you have contact with. He should be knowledgable enough about the system to point you to the people who can help you.

I hope you don't take my post wrong.....I know how frustrated I was in my situation & it wasn't anywhere as serious as your situation.....& I know that I had to come out directly & ask for help.....the more I hinted & hoped that what I said would be acted on, the more frustrated I got because nothing was happening....only getting worse.

Take care Inky......I know we all care about you & wish we were there to help you,
Debbie

It sounds like you are really sick, and possibly not thinking straight?

I don't think doctors do the things you are describing, otherwise I would say they are most unethical.

I'd get another opinion to verify my own sanity.

Good luck.

Sometimes when I am off my meds I get a little delusional about the things around me—I think strangers are watching me or stuff like that. It’s like the world revolves around me and everything that happens is related to me. When I am on my meds, I know, for sure, everything that happens is not directly because of me.

When I am like that I really need to see my psychiatrist. Maybe your primary doc could refer you to a psychiatrist who would be better able to handle your issues…? It does not mean you have to stop seeing your primary doc—you can see both of them.

Take care of yourself Inkblot…I am a little concerned about you.

Please take care of yourself, Inky.

(((((((((((((Inkblot)))))))))))))))))

((((inky))) Good to hear from you! I'm sorry all the news isn't good.. but there are some gems in what you wrote.

I'm so glad your doctor cares for you, and allows you to circumvent a system that just doesn't work for the patient.

When do you get to see your doctor? If it's very long, can you call in and have them renew a script for you somewhere?

How are you doing otherwise? I can't recall what's been going on since we all supported you with gifts and good wishes here... did everything in that get straightened out for you? I sure hope it did. You need more good stuff to come your way.

I'm glad you felt like your doctor was watching over you, even if vicariously through his daughter. Even if it isn't really how it happened, I'm glad you felt cared for in that. Maybe it was an angel?

I miss you being here each night. (((Inky))) Do what you know is best for you.