[derangedcandy]

This is more of a rant. I am looking for support. I am 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant and just feeling so down right now. I do suffer from major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder among a few other mental illnesses. I had tapered off all of my medications later in the 1st trimester and it went relatively okay. I've had mostly good days but the bad days were bad. :/

Anyway, today is one of those days. I won't see my boyfriend until later tonight, this happens every Wednesday, he does stuff with his friends, which is great. He invites me almost every week but I don't want to go because I want him to have fun without me for a change. Feeling sad on this day isn't new to me, but I had been doing better with it, but today I am just frustrated, angry, and depressed.

Besides just being upset that he isn't here right now, I feel like he has been wanting me less, sexually. I've always been the hypersexual one, and lately I am the one to always initiate it. It's to the point where I feel like maybe I am taking advantage of him, and he just never wants to do it. I can accept that he doesn't have as high of a sex drive, but to me sex is so important and when he doesn't want it with me, it hurts. I feel so rejected. I want to mention that this isn't new, this was even before I got pregnant.

To top things off he will be going out of the country at the end of this month, and guess what? He might miss the birth of our first baby. There is sort of a good explanation why he has to go. Basically he needs to keep up the end of his deal with a man that helped us out financially, but I am thoroughly pissed.

I am so scared to go through labor and delivery without him there with me. I just feel like he's the father of my baby, he is supposed to be there. I am just so hurt. I can't stop crying and getting angry about this.

So, sorry this seems like a lot and all over the place, but I needed to get it out I am just hoping for some love and advice during this time. Please and thank you.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, deranged candy. I can see why you are upset. Some men have a hard time having sex with a woman later in pregnancy. It could be on some level that he's afraid he'll hurt the baby rather than rejecting you.

I hope he can come to the birth, but honestly some men have trouble with that, too. Please don't be too hard on him if he stays away. Only relatively recently are men staying in the labor room. Can you think of at least one friend or relative who can be with you during labor and birth?

Congrats! How exciting! Please keep us informed.

You sound like a reasonable, smart woman.

Congrats!

My recommendation is you get a standby Lamaze partner.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by derangedcandy

This is more of a rant. I am looking for support. I am 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant and just feeling so down right now. I do suffer from major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder among a few other mental illnesses. I had tapered off all of my medications later in the 1st trimester and it went relatively okay. I've had mostly good days but the bad days were bad. :/

Anyway, today is one of those days. I won't see my boyfriend until later tonight, this happens every Wednesday, he does stuff with his friends, which is great. He invites me almost every week but I don't want to go because I want him to have fun without me for a change. Feeling sad on this day isn't new to me, but I had been doing better with it, but today I am just frustrated, angry, and depressed.

Besides just being upset that he isn't here right now, I feel like he has been wanting me less, sexually. I've always been the hypersexual one, and lately I am the one to always initiate it. It's to the point where I feel like maybe I am taking advantage of him, and he just never wants to do it. I can accept that he doesn't have as high of a sex drive, but to me sex is so important and when he doesn't want it with me, it hurts. I feel so rejected. I want to mention that this isn't new, this was even before I got pregnant.

To top things off he will be going out of the country at the end of this month, and guess what? He might miss the birth of our first baby. There is sort of a good explanation why he has to go. Basically he needs to keep up the end of his deal with a man that helped us out financially, but I am thoroughly pissed.

I am so scared to go through labor and delivery without him there with me. I just feel like he's the father of my baby, he is supposed to be there. I am just so hurt. I can't stop crying and getting angry about this.

So, sorry this seems like a lot and all over the place, but I needed to get it out I am just hoping for some love and advice during this time. Please and thank you.

the boyfriend not wanting sex as much with you doesnt always mean he doesnt desire you less. you how you have worries about your body and the baby, being pregnant ...well the boyfriend or girlfriend in the situation of watching their significant other while pregnant and knowing that person is pregnant is a worry and turn off switch. my wife while I was pregnant had many different things going on. at one point during intimacy she said the stop word when we talked about it she said the reason she had to put of the stop sign so to speak was because her thoughts kept going to the baby I was carrying and how she felt very strange as if it was like an adult being intimate with a child. she and I have the belief that everything the parent is feeling, eating, drinking the baby gets that too so I fully understood where she was coming from. We found ways to satisfy our intimacy while at the same time being together during my pregnancies. your boyfriend may also be having similar fears of hurting your baby or hurting you because you are pregnant. my suggestion is to let nature takes its course. initiate but dont be forceful and when initiating maybe make suggestions of things you can do together that will satisfy the needs of you both, that do not involve full intercourse,

the depression while pregnant was normal for me too. I had to go off all meds but my treatment providers and an herbologist and I worked together to find non medicinal ways to keep my depression problems from affecting me during my pregnancy. maybe you and your treatment providers can do the same.

the missing your boyfriend while he is gone every wensday... he invites you but you say no so maybe look beyond the fact that you want him to have his time with his friends... maybe think about whether there is another reason, my opinion is that when ever I have a problem after my wife has invited me to do something with her and her friends and I say no theres a deeper reason behind just wanting her to have time with her friends. people spend time with their friends all the time, its a normal thing but sometimes for example I would be feeling jealous, hateful of someone she was going to be with, or the activity that they were going to do was something I like and was kicking myself for saying no go be with your friends. and sometimes I was angry with my wife. my solution was realizing it wasnt just a matter of missing my wife during those two -4 hours she was gone (our being apart for hours is a normal thing since my wife has a job, sometimes she goes to college classes and I dont or vice versa, sometimes she goes shopping and I dont or vice versa... my point there are literally millions of times during a week that we are not sitting in the same room attached at the hip) after I understood what was going on with me I told my wife what was going on and that from now on I was going to be honest and say to her things like no I dont want to go because... then because I knew my wife and friends had plans together I made my own plans of things I could do on my own. nothing in a relationship says I have to stay home pining away for my love, making myself miserable. I window shopped, I took a yoga class, I made plans for doing things with my own family or friends, took a hike, went for a row around the lake... things I could do by myself. after I had a plan and was more honest with my wife I no longer felt left out, lonely and resentful of my wife spending time with her friends and my choosing not to go.

my suggestion is since you are.....choosing...not to go with your boyfriend. maybe you can find things that will occupy your time so that you dont feel so lonely.

hope you are okay.
((((hugs))))

[Sula B]

Hi, Hope you're ok.

You sound like a fairly reasonable woman and your boyfriend is a lucky man.

Don't be too hard on him re: sex and pregnancy as many men find it difficult to have sex with their pregnant partner for lots of different reasons - I experienced similar from my husband with all my pregnancies. He either thought he'd hurt the baby, hurt me, cause early labour and one time just pulled a face and said "But there's a baby there". I understand you're feeling hurt and rejection (I definitely felt it too) but you just have to explain that its safe and that you need to have sex in your relationship to feel close - in other words just talk to him.

Re: not being able to be there for the birth - I understand your feelings but some men frankly should not be in the birthing room. I have heard stories from friends who felt like they were looking after their partner whilst in the midst of labour. Maybe your man is one of those? Again, talk to him - its probably upsetting to him too that he may miss the birth. Maybe he could talk to the gentleman he has to work with and negotiate to hold off the trip until after the baby has come. People are generally reasonable especially when it comes to a life event as big as having a baby.

Remember that hen you're pregnant your emotions can be elevated - its just a fact - and you would naturally have some anxious feelings starting to creep in about the birth especially when its your first - all mothers have experienced that even if they try to tell you otherwise.

Congratulations and best of thoughts for you when bub comes. Remember that nothing truly rewarding ever comes without effort.