[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I've been waffling about posting this, since I'm not sure how much of it I actually want to "fix", though there's an aspect of it that disturbs me.

Envy has always been a huge part of my life; even my earliest friendships were characterized by some degree of envy from my end. It only gets worse as I get older, and there's one part that's become more common that worries me: a sick, twisted part of myself that envies abuse and assault victims, those who lived difficult lives, or who have severe mental disorders. It's hard to explain, and I know it's offensive to admit. It has nothing to do with attention or sloth ("I wish I could get disability for being sad; I wish I could just take off work whenever I felt like it"), more with...identity, I guess. Validation too. People with that kind of pain must have such dramatic lives, struggles, trials, coherent life narratives instead of just feeling like an empty shell. What's more, they have justification for being screwups, while I don't.

Indeed this is part of what makes me doubt so much of my own mind: what if I'm just pretending, forcing myself to appear mentally ill to feel like I'm somebody, to be a special snowflake, when there's really nothing wrong with me, and I'm so inferior I can't even have my own identity.



I'm reconsidering if I could be a covert narcissist; certainly, this quote resonated hard with me, described my whole life. Funny too how it's actually supposed to be more dangerous than the stereotypical grandiose narcissist:

"There are those narcissists who idealize the successful and the rich and the lucky. They attribute to them super-human, almost divine, qualities...

In an effort to justify the agonizing disparities between themselves and others, they humble themselves as they elevate the others.

They reduce and diminish their own gifts, they disparage their own achievements, they degrade their own possessions and look with disdain and contempt upon their nearest and dearest, who are unable to discern their fundamental shortcomings. They feel worthy only of abasement and punishment. Besieged by guilt and remorse, voided of self-esteem, perpetually self-hating and self-deprecating - this is by far the more dangerous species of narcissist.

For he who derives contentment from his own humiliation cannot but derive happiness from the downfall of others. Indeed, most of them end up driving the objects of their own devotion and adulation to destruction and decrepitude..." - Sam Vaknin


Sorry for rambling, this was only supposed to focus on my envy of those with obviously unenviable lives, but got sidetracked.

[avlady]

i feel sorry for you, but i do know how you feel when i was a kid i wished i had a problem of some sort because i wanted the attention. i hope you can find yourself a therapist they would do wonders.

Agree on the therapist, it may be very helpful and insightful.

PS: you may wind up with a diagnosis, just FYI

I wouldn't categorize this as falling withing narcissism.

There are different types of envy I think. One is envy of other people having what we don't, whether that be material objects, relationships, personal status, or even ease of life. My own envy however stems from outrageous differences in treatment.

Envy has plagued my life for some time. I have a lot of anger for what I feel as being past wrongs of my mother as an example. But therapy has helped especially with improving my self worth. For, coupled with my envy was a questioning of my worth. It wasn't just that I felt my object of envy being undeserving but that I felt that perhaps I was deserving of what I viewed as attacks against me. CBT in particular has made me realize I had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the slights.

Again, therapy has and is helping. My relationship with my brother has greatly improved. For, his receiving of more love from my mother was no fault of his own.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I wouldn't categorize this as falling withing narcissism.

Why not? I'm self-aware enough* to know there's something disturbed about wanting to be abused or ill to feel like somebody, or to measure up in some way, or to avoid guilt. It sounds malignantly self-absorbed. I actually had an attack of these thoughts yesterday, did some impulsive texting and scared my mom.

*I hate anyone mentioning it, and I kind of hate it about myself. It feels mildly dissociative, like the revelations about myself, the looks into my mind are actually descriptions of someone else. I'm so detached from them...some say this is an enlightened way to be, but I hate it. It feels....really wrong.

[TishaBuv]

It's brave of you to admit this.

You're very bright and well written. I've read many of your posts for a long while. Your concerns are very introspective. You seem to lack a sense of self. You're still quite young, so this may be a symptom of a very bright, young woman finding herself.

But, it seems you're not thriving. I agree that a therapist will help. Also, you mentioned ADHD and being someone who doesn't finish things on another thread- me too, me too! I'm 50 and never did find myself.