Deluded by my MI into thinking I'm being forced into isolation by society itself

All my life I have been purposefully excluded from, asked specifically not to be a part of, or otherwise given the cold shoulder for no apparent reason.

When I was small, friends I thought I had and could trust began asking not to have me over to play, or to be asked to come over to play. No reason was given, and I was left to find activities that would only require myself to take part in. Mostly I would draw, daydream, read and eventually found the world of gaming. If those weren't available, I would just pull out a board game like LIFE and play along with stuffed animals as the other players. Sure, it was boring, but it was better than just sitting around, looking out the window and watching the other children play, not wanting me to participate along with them.

This sort of exclusion accompanied me through my little brother's nearly fatal bout with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia, where I couldn't spend as much time with my mother who was busy tending to my brother's needs at the hospital in the city two and a half hours away from our house in a small Midwestern town. That was a lonely time. Mostly because my mother and I usually did a lot of activities together, and as my brother grew to need hospitalization, I had to be "grown up' all of a sudden and not feel resentment and anger towards him having the majority of her attention. I couldn't really stop the resentment and anger though, and it simmered inside of me, quietly like hidden storm.

It was around then that my Dad, at the peak of his stress, hit me so hard at one point my wrist broke. He was never all that good at managing his anger, and I guess I inherited his penchant for being aggressive at times, rather than constructively allowing my anger to dissipate.

The loneliness and anger went past the downright traumatic experience of being bullied and pranked because I was seemingly, that quiet girl who was all alone and an easy target. So much so that a middle school classmate of mine downright tormented me and probably left some damaging psychological and emotional scars. Over the years, my pain and suffering has diminished, and I've grown to pity that classmate, more or less, knowing she'll probably always be manipulative and hurtful towards others and not really knowing what it's like to spread kindness and peace. However, the feelings of being triggered when I'm specifically asked not to join a conversation always follows me.

My sadness at these feelings of isolation and loneliness within me led me to begin planning an end to my life after I graduated high school. However, a year before that was to take place, my uncle, whom married my Mom's sister, lost his struggle with Bipolar and took his own life. I saw the sheer amount of people coming to pay their last respects, the pain and suffering his actions brought to us, his family and loved ones, and the shattered pieces of a once happy life he left his wife and children to pick up and try to put back in some semblance of order.

I knew my own death wouldn't bring very many mourners, and it would cost my parents a substancial sum to pay for the funeral, not to mention how pained I would make them, having their minds constantly going through the "what ifs" for years afterword. So I permanently postponed my plan, and made a vow not to cause pain to anyone I cared deeply about. No need to make more pain.

That brings me to my main point of this this thread. My anger, resentment and feelings of being triggered all center around the central concept of not being part of a conversation. I know in my head I don't have to be a part of EVERY conversation on this planet, but the hunger and need to find some way to finally feel included still dwells powerfully within me. I know that we have an ignore feature on here, and I respect the use of it by other members against me, but that doesn't stop the flood of these emotions from coming out all at once.

I tend to have very overpowering emotions that do the talking and thinking for me most of the time. I guess that comes with the territory of MI, and also with being red headed (and being a Scorpio as well, if you subscribe to Astrology). I should also add that I'm of Belgian and German decent, with Irish-Scottish and Danish all sprinkled in for good measure. Guess the Irish blood is strong within me, eh?

With all these factors, no matter how truthful they are, come together, it makes for one very complex mass of emotions bubbling within me most, if not all, the time. This is but a caldera inside of me, just short of bursting into a full blown super eruption that spills over everywhere.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I am psychologically in a state of feeling starved and deprived of inclusion and acceptance, so I guess I overcompensate, then when it fails, or someone isn't seeing things the same way I am, I blow up.

Is there ANY way I can "rewire" my psyche to feel satiated socially? Or will I forever feel but a hair away from perishing from being on the outside looking in?

Meh, I'm going to end this...whatever this is, right here. Be it a rant, an explanation, or a question. I'm rather lost on what I was trying to do.

Wow, I identify with everything you have written here.

Wow. I'm glad someone can identify with all I've said. It makes me feel a little less on the outside now.

There are two things I would like to share with you, sayings from my mom when growing up.

"Artchick, you are not better than anyone else, but you are just as good!"

"You have 2 ears and one mouth, learn to listen to others half of what you speak"

Maya Angelou said it this way:

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you

Try getting outside of your head maybe, and pay more attention to others' thoughts and feelings. Who knows, you may end up the favorite in the group.

You say you're ruled by your feelings? That's not a good way to live life. Your emotional and logical mind need to work together (your 'wise mind') so you're not overwhelmed by your feelings.

DBT helps you build and maintain a 'wise mind'. You may want to look into that.

Artchic, you're very good at expressing yourself & writing.
I can also relate to your post. I too long for inclusion, belonging, but naturally.

Thru many many many years of therapy, i finally moved from, "why am i not welcome in THEIR group?" to "THEY are not welcome in mine."

From how you describe your childhood, i can see why you have the first attitude. We feel too poor to exclude anyone from our group, but nobody wants to be a member of a group that doesnt recognize the members value. So really, its okay to judge. In a positive way - how will this person enhance my life?

That is why i broke with my family and certain friends. I felt my only role was to be there so they could feel better about themselves in some perverse way. They are skewed! As in, skew them!

First of all Artchic, how you are feeling in this statement is actually how a lot of people can struggle with feeling. What is good about your thread is that in your thread you have included some "whys" to how the challenge developed in you. As a child growing up you did not get the attention you needed from your parents and a lot of that had to do with the challenge they had to face with your brother.

There are times when I have come across a younger member ranting and angry, and I have to say their rant is often because they did not get what they needed from their parent due to a challenge, in one case a tragic death, of a sibling.

Unfortunately, that can lead to a void in a child that presents them with struggling as they grow and try to interact with their peirs. Often when they come across the average peir challenges where friends can engage and then ignore, they get "emotional" because of how it reminds them of how they did not get the attention they needed from their parents either that actually "hurt" them.

It could be that you can get too aggressive with others, and depending on how the other individuals are themselves, they can get rattled by that and often that ends up in distancing. It's important to understand that if you demand control too much, and you don't "share" and "give" in any relationship, you will end up being alone more.

In observing my daughter with her different friends, the friends she always distanced from were the ones who were too possessive and pushy. These were typically the peirs that I learned had so little parental parenting and their effort to have a relationship with my daughter was often overbearing and too demanding. Also, it was the boyfriends that presented this to her that became problematic for her as well.

What you have described struggling with is "abandonment issues" and the first part of making self improvement on that is recognizing it and having an interest in getting help for it.

it is great you're looking for help! i relate because i had 3 deaths in my family, 2 were children. i remember not feeling loved as everyone was busy and i felt i did something bad. this carried me into my adult life and i always felt left out. well anyway i hope you get help here.good luck

I think this is good advice...

I'm sorry for all you've been through. (((Hugs))). I cannot relate to everything, but I can with several things you've written.....especially the title of this thread.

Interesting because this has taken me back to what I have come to learn about my past & my parents actually being excluded by society. Their logic for the reason in reality FAR from the truth of what happened & why.

I'm my parents case they excused it away because they lived too far from the church school & didn't have enough money to put me into the private school. Looking back & having observed the way my Dad argued (no discussion involved) with the men of the church when they did include them.....activities when the whole church was included. I was always embarrassed to death to be anywhere my parents were. I'm assuming that what embarrassed me was probably the same reason they REALLY were on the EXCLUSION LIST. I realize that was also why my parents had NO friends except one couple they would get together with once a year.

I have my idea of what was the cause of my Dads behavior beyond it being similar to his Dad's but less obnoxious.

In their case they were Actually isolated from society because of both their mental state though in their case they deluded themselves into believing that wasn't what was going on while in reality is was society reaction to the way they really were.

Being an only child I relate to playing games by myself but it wasn't because the neighbor kids were leaving me out....because I totally enjoyed playing baseball, fort, climbing fences with the guys in the neighborhood & they included me when kids were out playing....but because I didn't know how to be a part of any group or how to really be included in, that was basically my school life. I was the outsider to every group but it was my independent choice & the groups accepted me as being that way & even voted for me in class elections & activities I was involved in.

It hasn't been until the last few years of my life that I have now felt totally accepted by the wonderful people in the many groups I'm involved in....all unassociated....& it was scary the first time I was listened to for what I have had to say, I forgot what inwasntrying to say because I was so used to conversations going on without me.

Life can change with time & all of a sudden we realize it's no longer like it was....most time it takes us to make changes in our lives for change to happen.....no way to psych the brain into believing something that really isn't happening except the way my parents did & excuse it away on something that really wasn't the cause. Better to be open & honest with self & learn how to make the change you really want in your life.