[inkblot]

Ignore my post from yesterday. That was a moment when I had just received an email about scheduling an interview at a good hospital in the City. That's done and scheduled for next week. Now for today...or since last night...I just don't care about anything. I don't know where the H* my life is going, or what H* I should do about anything. No matter which way I go, there are drawbacks to everything. If I start this new job in August, I've learned that the insurance won't cover pre-existing for 6 months, and will does NOT cover any psych. It's only a 9-month temp2perm job, but it pays very well--at least for what I am used to. No matter where my life takes me, I will still never be able to afford a normal apartment--one with regular drywall, good windows, etc.--you know, someplace decent. A place like that around here costs $800 and up. I could never afford that unless I have a job making over $20 per hour! I have no college degree, no time or spirits to go back and try, and I have no idea what to even try to learn either. I don't know if I'd want to go back for something business related, computers, healthcare, or what? I would love to put my life on hold right now. Just give up. Wake up one day and all is wonderful and everything I could only dream of would be reality. Right now I don't care what I do to my body, if I take pills and subject myself to eating disorder rituals, or starve myself and see how long it takes to screw my body up. I just don't give a blam how I treat my body. I don't care if I lose weight. I don't care if I get to be 105 pounds. Right now I feel that maybe I'd be better off, maybe my mood would be better, maybe I'd like myself better. Maybe I could hide it from my kid's T again just like I did last time. Could make a game out of it. No, it is a game. I can leave him a voice mail, but I can't tell him everything. Even if I want to. I'm afraid to. So, I make a game out of it. It's like I see how long it takes for him to get information out of me. I've always been like that, no matter who, so it's not just him. I don't know when I'll ever get back to my old T. I'm considering it just once or more, even, though I'd have to pay the full cash price of $170. But then, there is also the matter of that release I signed for my kid's T to talk to him not long ago. I hate the idea of too many people knowing things about me. It's embarrassing, maybe, I'm not sure. I'm maybe afraid of what could happen. There are so many things to think about with this, that, and everything. I wish I could end this life by simply going to the store and buying a new micro-chip to implant in myself and make everything better. Hey, maybe I've hit on a new form of psych med therapy in the future. Discontinue pills and drugs, and everyone just get a micro-chip implanted in them. Yeah, why not. Wish it was that easy. I just hope things don't get too crazy. I don't want to have a moment of going totally nuts or emotional or something and have to call my kid's T. I'm afraid of that. If I do that, then what? I remember one time when I was still married to my ex and got really stressd from a "little" argument. I had gone out for a drive and suddenly got this visual of my car crashing into a tree. It never happened, thank God, but I parked the car shortly after and just sat there for a while afraid to drive anywhere. I was really scared. I don't want anything like that to happen again. I really wanted to call and leave my kid's T a voice mail because I was so scared to drive, but I was still too scared to call him and leave a message. I really want this end. Everything in my life. I need everything new and perfect, all the hell gone. Anybody know where I can find that? Cya.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm afraid you can't find Heaven on Earth. We just have to take the good with the bad. I know it's trite, but if you get handed lemons, you need to make lemonade.

The job sounds good! It sounds like a step up for you! Don't think ahead but stay in the moment because you don't know what the future holds just yet. Stop sabotaging the good that may come about with negative thinking. Take everything one step at a time, one minute or one day at a time.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[inkblot]

Easier said than done. I feel like eating the lemons rather than making sweet lemonade.

[SeptemberMorn]

It can't be done immediately. You need to be aware of the shifting of the gears, taking time to look at things and "seeing" the possibilities. Realizing that things have to get better than they are now.

Or...

You can stay stuck where you are now... What can I say? It's YOUR choice to make.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Inky}}}}}}}}}}}}

Good luck on the job! I wish that I could convince you to be open with the people who could and want to help you, and stop making a game out of not giving them the whole story. I wonder if you are afraid to give up your self-destructiveness? Maybe it makes you feel safer, or gives people a reason to care about you. Whatever the reason, it's hard to change. I resist it too. I hope that things do get better for you very, very soon.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

[SeptemberMorn]

Self-destructiveness = sabotage, Wendy? I noticed that myself. Not a very healthy pay-off... from one who knows.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

I know plenty of ways to be self-destructive. Yes, I sabotage myself too, and the pay-offs are not worth it, but it's still hard to stop.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

I wish I knew the right things to say; but I don't have the words. I wish you well, you can do this.
(((((((((((((INKY)))))))))))))
Blessings,
Jon

KICK THE CABLE HABIT!!! http://www.vmcsatellite.com/?aid=84152

[inkblot]

Yeah, I can do this--and I am. Just like they said....sabotage.

[inkblot]

Re: "Maybe it makes you feel safer...or gives people a reason to care about you"

Yeah, that too. I don't resist change, I welcome it--I do it often. Just not always in the "right" way.

[inkblot]

Healthy, no, but it works for me for the moment.

[inkblot]

I know they will get better, eventually. But first things can only get worse before they get better. It's kind of like the law of economics, according to my old teacher when I was back in school. Why else would they call the great stock market crash a "depression"?