[MtnTime2896]

It's like this gentle but sturn force. It wraps itself, like hands, around my face and throat. Then I get this weird sensation like my skin's asleep. This overwhelming ringing sounds in my ears, like an old tv when the station didn't come in and that weird fuzzy sound. I get brief moments of dull ache in different parts of my head. Then it's like sound muffled alarm is going off above me, but it's quiet. I can't look at my reflection, ever. The woman's there, even if I don't see her, I know she's there. Pieces of my bedroom start to move out of place, like my mattress melts into the box spring or bedroom door opens but there's another door behind it. Except when that happens, someone's standing there and I don't think it's the woman. She's usually in mirrors and the hallway. No this one I think is a guy but I'm not sure.

I'm completely awake and I'm not suffering from a lack of sleep. Just tell me; what the hell is happening to me and why won't it stop?

[avlady]

I have no experience with this subject, but have dreamt it and felt it. I always have ringing in m ears from tinnitis, or ringing in the ears. I also get the pain in my head which i blame on a few head injuries in accidents. Did you ever have a head injury?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by avlady

I have no experience with this subject, but have dreamt it and felt it. I always have ringing in m ears from tinnitis, or ringing in the ears. I also get the pain in my head which i blame on a few head injuries in accidents. Did you ever have a head injury?

I've had so many, I won't even try to count them. I fell unconscious around five, maybe six times from them. At least from what I remember. Pieces of my childhood are long gone from my memory and I have no desire for them to come back. A couple of them, I was bleeding pretty good.

[MtnTime2896]

I'm just scared that that woman's doing it as punishment, or something, for talking about this with people. I don't think I'm suppose to ask for help with this. But somethings wrong with her, like she wants to see me scared all of the time and in pain.

By the way, I should add that while she feels very real to me, I know she's not. I just want to put that out there.

[MickeyCheeky]

It sounds scary.. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Have you talked about this with your therapist?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It sounds scary.. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Have you talked about this with your therapist?

Not in detail, really. He only knows about the woman and the voices that speak through music (but that just happened the once). He doesn't know that it's getting worse. I don't want to tell him that. I don't want to end up back at the hospital.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't know if anyone will read this, but I'm writing it anyway. Feed back is appreciated, as always.

"But somethings wrong with her, like she wants to see me scared all of the time and in pain." This is what I wrote above and this is how I feel she treats me sometimes. Like she wants to torment me because it's fun and I deserve it anyway. Alright, now hear me out here; this is how I've always felt towards my dad. Always (see the link below to read; it could be triggering, though). I've been obsessed with trying to figure her out. Why she won't let me look at myself in the mirror and makes me feel horrible about when I do. Why she smiles and laughs when she scares me. And why I think she started physically punishing me for talking too much about her or digging into why she's like this (so I know I'm going to get it later for this, I'm already feeling her watch me as I type this). I think she's just a manifestation of this part of my mind. The same part my dad resides and my belief that I deserve everything that's happening to me. I mean, look at the title of this thread. "Journal of the Acquitted", because I have been acquitted for these "crimes" by you all here. Telling me it's not my fault for the things that happened growing up. I'm "acquitted" but I know I'm still guilty, if that makes any sense. I'll probably write this in the bipolar forum also because I know that I am dealing with psychotic features here and I understand that I'm in a place not everybody knows how to interpret.

What do you guys think? If anyone reads this, does this make sense or is this obsession just leading into more delusion?

https://forums.psychcentral.com/surv...%3B-abuse.html

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't know if anyone will read this, but I'm writing it anyway. Feed back is appreciated, as always.

"But somethings wrong with her, like she wants to see me scared all of the time and in pain." This is what I wrote above and this is how I feel she treats me sometimes. Like she wants to torment me because it's fun and I deserve it anyway. Alright, now hear me out here; this is how I've always felt towards my dad. Always (see the link below to read; it could be triggering, though). I've been obsessed with trying to figure her out. Why she won't let me look at myself in the mirror and makes me feel horrible about when I do. Why she smiles and laughs when she scares me. And why I think she started physically punishing me for talking too much about her or digging into why she's like this (so I know I'm going to get it later for this, I'm already feeling her watch me as I type this). I think she's just a manifestation of this part of my mind. The same part my dad resides and my belief that I deserve everything that's happening to me. I mean, look at the title of this thread. "Journal of the Acquitted", because I have been acquitted for these "crimes" by you all here. Telling me it's not my fault for the things that happened growing up. I'm "acquitted" but I know I'm still guilty, if that makes any sense. I'll probably write this in the bipolar forum also because I know that I am dealing with psychotic features here and I understand that I'm in a place not everybody knows how to interpret.

What do you guys think? If anyone reads this, does this make sense or is this obsession just leading into more delusion?

https://forums.psychcentral.com/surv...%3B-abuse.html

Só leigheas,

I wish things were better for you. I recall that Monday you said that you did not have money for your medications. Last year, I constantly stopped taking my medications. I would go back on the prescribed dosages only when my anxiety got really bad. At Thanksgiving, I was on an emotionally rollercoaster so at Christmas I decided to take my medicine as prescribed and I have been doing it since around December 14th. Christmas was great for me and I think Thanksgiving would have been better for me if I had been taking my medications. So I haven't stopped taking them and I think it's one of the reasons I've really improved. What you are describing does sound like delusions and I really think that the right medications can help you with this. It is so important for you to get these thoughts/emotions/psychosis under control so that you're not so caught up in these awful thoughts.
Are you on Medicaid? It's Monday, so if you still are not on your medications, perhaps you can look for help in obtaining some? Mine work best when they are taken consistently. Please try to get help with this.