Looking for help

Hello to anyone who may be reading this and thank you in advance for doing so im a 19 year old boy and i have had depression since i was a kid, and its gotten to the point where i dont know what to do anymore nor dont i want to worry the people in my life, so im posting it here in the hopes that i can find people who can relate, so here it goes. It started around id say 4th grade, i was always a goofy, obnoxious kid on top of being overweight, and my constant forced attempts at humor just further seperated me from my peers. As time when on i started to get bullied because of my weight and soon i started to isolate myself more with things i love like drawing and cartoons and video games and staying inside more. At around 6th grade some new kids came to school and became the popular group and me and my very close friend started to drift apart due to him changing and me getting a short temper from the constant ridicule. Eventually he left me to join this group while they rejected me when i tried to aswell and seeing as how he was the only friend i hung out with outside of school my social life evaporated. They then decided to pants me in the middle of the schoolyard one day underwear included destroying what little self esteem i had left and i went home crying while my ex friend was there amongst them. As i found myself staying home alone every weekend my weight increased and i started to isolate myself in my room and numb myself with video games until id fake an illness to get out of going to school due to the bullying and that i was never a good student as i hated schoolwork. Around the time i was in 8th grade my depression peaked and i started to feel like a failure and a worthless waste of life, finding myself crying more and more and just hating my self even resorting to self harm. My mom and dad who had been taking me to therapy and supported me admitted me to a psych ward where a spent a couple of weeks. Though i was upset id be leaving home, i soon loved it as for once in my life i felt like i could relate and fit in with others as the other youth there were really great. I left the hospital only to continue taking anti depressants and still be miserable since i still had school.

I then moved on to high school where i spent my first year being the same cringy loser who was always sweating on top of being a late bloomer in terms of puberty so having a girly squeaky voice didnt help and moving from my childhood home to and apartment in a different neighbourhood definetly upset me. By grade 10 i hit puberty and i was still miserable and overweight but things were getting better i made 3 new friends who are still brothers to me today and i finally ditched my awkwardness and managed to get far better at humor and my social life was better then its ever been and i started smoking weed occasionally. So for the most part i was enjoying highschool, then grade 12 and i got so infuriated because i was always sweaty which just didnt help my non existant self esteem so i looked up the side effects on my anti depressants, finding that it was a side effect of the meds so being pissed off at this discovery i stopped taking them and toughed my way through a horrible withdrawal. Then this new girl came (who we will refer to as jane) to our school who i met through a friend and started to hang with and as time when on i really started to like her and my friends seeing the way she behaves around me thought she did too but i had a sinking feeling she was just being friendly to me and nothing more. So eventually after being pressured by my friends i decided to ask her out but everytime id walk her home, towards her house id think to myself "okay time to ask her out just get it over with." Only to just chicken out and not do it But the day came when i finally went ahead and said as we were gonna hug goodbye that i wanted to ask her something and immediately she got this worried, uncomfortable look on her face in which my brain immediately went oh god she knows what im going to ask and she also knows the answer and before i knew it i was actually choking all i wanted to say was "i was thinking we could go out sometime" but the words just wouldnt come out so i told her to just nevermind but she pressed me on it till after what was the most awkward 10 minutes of my life i asked her and she gave me the whole i like you as a friend thing in which case i took my loss and went home to sulk. It was around this time when i started to notice how bad my self esteem was. I became so socially withdrawn from people often hating talking to others and just wanting to be left alone as every social situation i was presented with i always thought i made an *** of myself or i would dwell on things i said even or how i said them. I then became very self conscious of how i looked when i was outside even down to how i was walking, worried i was sticking out like a sore thumb everywhere i went, thinking people in cars i was passing while crossing the street were watching me and mocking me, i cant even talk to cashiers when im ordering food. So eventually highschool came to a close and me and jane went to prom together as friends which drives me nuts and i graduated.

Ive since then been working a mediocre job, shortly after i got the job jane after not responding to a simple text for 3 months tells me that due to her boyfriend we cant be friends anymore. Its been a year seen then and i still havent seen or spoke to her. Im now at a stage in my life where im depressed and isolated with very little of a social life due to the fact that me and my friends just play computer games instead of going out. I find the days just bleed together day in day out at my job that i hate but i dont have a clue what or why i should go to college for. My anxiety and depression have gotten to a crippling point and i see no point in talkin to family or friends about it since they wouldnt understand. I find myself looking at my cousins and little brother envying their fantastic social lives while i sit home at night every saturday that im off just watching the world go by while i do nothing. I even find myself daydreaming alot more often wishing i couldve been that skinny popular cool guy in school with the 20 friends and girlfriend out in my childhood neighbourhood partying and enjoying life. Ive even begun starving and eating less but despite losing 50 lbs im still miserable,* and as much as i keep telling myself theres no point in thinking about it, jane keeps popping into my head and it drives me berserk. I find myself waking up every day more miserable then the last wanting to just dissappear or end my life, between the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, missing highschool, and the constant fantasizing of a life i wish i had i feel myself losing any love for reality as ive grown bitter and cynical of most things in this world. And i sit here now saturday night on my bed having reached my boiling point balling my eyes out wanting to die and this is just a last ditch effort to seek help so thank you whoever takes the time to read this

Hey Matt.

I'm old enough to be your mother. I have a 20 year old who's working retail and going to school to be an interpreter for the deaf. She and her boyfriend are gamers, so they do that a lot.

Just wanted to say I read your message. Have you tried meetup.com? Look for other gamers or people with similar interests. Take yourself out for a date sometime. Go to a movie or a restaurant. Get out of the house and go for a walk. Don't stay at home and cry. Get out into the world.