[TwilightDawn]

...maybe I should post here when I'm in good moods too *laughs*

Its driving me insane again. I'm in a hole of pain again and it feels like no way out...

I'm here contemplting suicide, though I know I will never go through, I can't block the thought easily... I try and smile for everyone, but I know I will hurt them all somehow someday...

...I already am with these thoughts, aren't I?

I need help... my mum took me to a psych and I'm on the verge of being diagnosed with Asbergers, but that still... I was too afraid to mention the constant pain, and notably the suicidal thoughts, my whole family was in the room with me...

I want these thoughts to stop, I want the sadness to stop, I want this constant pain and letharginess to stop before it all kills me from stress...

...and I know I'm going to sound like an idiot, there are always people with worse problems than my own....

[smiley1984]

how old are you?
it would be so much better if you could speak to the psych with out your parents in the room. because unless your dr knows what's happening for you, he can't try to fix it. Am not sure but I would imagine the treatment to help with Aspergers is different from help with the intense despair and hopelessness you are feeling.

it sounds like you really don't want to die. You want to live, you just want this terrible pain to stop. It hurts so much. So instead of dying, how about first trying other ways to try stop the pain. I know it is so much easier said than done, especially with family politics. but please try to tell someone, whether it is a teacher, or counsellor or another non-family member.

[TwilightDawn]

I've been out of that house for nearly a year now, just some parts of me hold deep doubts...

I've tried, I was put on anti-depressents which only evened out my mood swings a bit, I've tried smiling and laughing for everyone, but each time it comes back and by far more so...

I... tried suicide once. Not my proudest moment, so yes I very much want to live, something that night, I was sleeping, inspired m eand made me wake up... that feeling that I didn't truly want to die then...

I forgot to add in... I'm 19, 20 in a couple weeks... its something that's haunted me to no end since I don't know when, but it got horribly worse when I became a teen and hasn't levelled off yet...

I want it to stop...

[eskielover]

From the posts I have read, you sound like you are going through a rough time in your life....emotionally the breakup with your boyfriend that in normal for making ones mood depressed. Feeling that nothing is going right in ones life does make the feelings very low. Then when you feel like you have to put on a mask so that on one sees your true feelings, that makes it even harder.....sometimes we just have to be honest with the world & say just how crappy everything is & let it out without trying to hold it in & be tough.

There are always people who have it worse, but the important thing is to know that what you are going through is valid pain & it needs to be delt with & acknowledged by those around you. There are times when the level of worse isn't important.....every level of pain & depression is important to each of us & we need help when we can't figure out how to help ourselves.

I remember after I lost my career in 1994, my anxiety level was so high I completely lost it. Who would think that a little thing like that would turn into all the suicide attempts that I went through. I lost my will to live because I lost myself. After being hospitalized so many times, I saw so many people that had much worse things going on with them, but to me, my situation was the end of the world....or the end of my world & that is all that mattered.

That is what is important is that your world needs fixed for you & it is ok to ask for the help you need & it is ok to feel the way you are feeling.....but it is important to realize that you don't want to die....you just want help & that is sometimes the only way to get people to listen to your need for help. I know it is sad when we end up feeling that way. But the feeling of needing the pain to stop can be overwhelming. I think that the best way to get help is to talk with the pdoc alone without family.....when you get things settled with you & your pdoc, then you can let family know what is going on so they can be of good support.....otherwise, they can do more harm than good....especially if they are part of the problem in the first place.

It is important for you to know that you are important & that no problem is too small to be important.....& that all problems need to be acknowledged & figured out what is needed to handle them. Your suicidial feelings are hard to feel that they are understood, & looking back, I don't really understand why I felt that way....it just was.....so I can understand your feelings & they are valid even if they can't be explained.....

It is important to continue getting the help you are starting to get & make sure you are able to communicate with the Dr without the interferance of your family so you can get to what your feelings truely are.

Take care & please keep posting....sometimes encouragement is important....& this is a great place for that.

I want you to know that I care & understand some of the feelings you are experiencing,
Debbie

[SeptemberMorn]

Asuyuka, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time at such a young age. Liten to what Debbie has told you. She's a friend of mine and I respect her opinions very much. She's also come a long way from the first time I met her. Believe me, she knows what she's talking about.

Your family may have meant well by being with you at your appointment, but these things are hard enough to deal with on a one to one basis. You need to talk to your dr alone and tell him everything. Otherwise, he can't help you.

Be patient. Next time, go alone. As for having doubts, it's completely normal. You haven't been out of the house that long. You're learning as you go. Any uncharted course is scary when you first set out.

Keep posting, Sweetie. There are people here that care about you.

PS Don't feel bad about asking for what you need. Keep asking until you get the help you want.