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  #1  
Old Jun 29, 2004, 08:00 AM
lunarC lunarC is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 5
hi i am new here
sorry, didnt really know where to put this post so i put here in genral, i hope that is ok
i think its too late and i am in a hopeless place. i dont expect anything. i dont know if this is going to help in any way.
i guess i have had problems for a long time. i first tried to kill myself when i was 10 years old. i am 32 now.
last year i was diagnosed with schizoaffecive disorder . at that point i had been thought many different diagnoses. my doc was always so vague and i always seemed to leave appointments with with feeling even more confused and unhappy than when i arrived. in the end i canceled my out-patient appointments with him. i have seen so many doctors and therapests and i really havent found it helpful.( well maybe one but she canceled my because she was unable to see me every week as she felt i needed. ) i dont trust anyone any more.
at the moment is see my psych-nurse about once every 2 months and about every 2 weeks i see an OT to help with stress. i also get out-reach come to help out once a week but that isnt working out at the moment and so i think i will ask them to stop coming.
i live with my boyfriend who is agoraphobic. other than him i have only 1 friend that i am in contact with. my mother and grandmother live in the same town as me and are supportive although i avoid them if i am really not well.
i am very alone in all of this and i just dont know what to do.
i am not on medication because i dont trust them. i have been on so many. at one point i was on 4 different anit-depressents and still wanted to kill myself. i was on lithium and eflexor at one point but i was psychotic and very paraniod about taking them. i was put on resperadone and within 2 months non of my clothes fit i put on so much weight so quickly. i tryed others but they made me so unhappy, i felt like half my brain had been turned off and i worried all the time about the side effects. so now i am med free.
i do have periods, like now, when i am pretty much ok for 2 maybe 3 weeks. my mood is not too bad and i can function. but i know that in a week or two that will change. when i start getting ill the first week i just start felling odd. i get this strange feeling like shocks in my head that go into my body. i become more and more confused. i start seeing odd things. people become like robots, the world seams unreal. as it gets worse i hear murmuring voices. sometimes i here my mother saying 'she is dead, she killed herself'. i start to think i am dead but i can still hear what is happening in the "real" world. i get to thinking i am in purgatory and its a computer generated world or something..in the end i end up sleeping to get away from it all i sleep for perhaps 2 days. and at some point i "wake-up" and every thing is back to normal. then i am depressed because i just cant cope. knowing it just keeps happening over and over. its like being in hell.
its odd but i am starting to believe more in the other world now. even when i am i am ok i find myself wondering if i am still in a computer generated world and there is some kind of program running to stop me noticing it. i dont understand why i have have these thoughts when my my head feels clear.
gosh sorry i went on so long.
i have no contact with anyone how has this disorder, i feel like i am the only one living in another world. if there is someone out there who understands what i am going though maybe i wont feel so alone...
thanx
lunar

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  #2  
Old Jun 29, 2004, 08:16 AM
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Peanut61 Peanut61 is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,085
WELCOME to the board, Lunar: What you are going through sure does sound rough. I hope that you will find some comfort and friendship coming to this board.

Hope we hear from you again. Regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue> new here... not sur where to post this...sorry!
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new here... not sur where to post this...sorry!
  #3  
Old Jun 29, 2004, 11:05 AM
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Oh lunarC, I am so sorry that you're going through so much hell now. Please try to find another therapist. And keep coming here. I'lll keep checking on you. I'm sending a lot of caring to you right now. Pat

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

- Yogi Berra
  #4  
Old Jun 29, 2004, 01:08 PM
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Hi Lunar - I'm really glad you found your way here. You'll meet some really nice folks here.

I know you've had some bad experiences with meds, but from what you are describing it does sound like your system is a little bit out of whack, so you may want to consider trying some new meds. You are describing what I'm sure you already know sound like psychotic symptoms, and depression, so that diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder sounds right on target. It's a tough road to walk, but people do improve their lives significantly with the right treatment!

Docs come up with new meds all the time, and maybe you just haven't found the right combo yet. Personally I tried MANY combos before I got the right mix for me. You didn't mention Zyprexa, and Topamax is relatively new for adding to a antipsychotic to prevent weight gain. It can decrease your appetite.

So, what I'm saying (I do tend to ramble), is to please talk to your support people about trying meds again. And stay on them long enough to really give them a chance - reporting all side effects of course.

And ...therapy. Talking to someone about all this is so important to staying on track. Again, so glad to meet you! Keep posting!!

Emmy

"Compassion is my religion" - The Dalai Lama
  #5  
Old Jun 29, 2004, 01:44 PM
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shakes shakes is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2004
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 861
Lunar,
I am glad that we got a chance to chat yesterday. You are very bright and wonderful to talk to. Just remember that we are all here for you and we understand what you are going through even if it is not completely.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>
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  #6  
Old Jun 29, 2004, 05:05 PM
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Rapunzel Rapunzel is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2003
Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
Lunar,
That sounds rough. I really did enjoy meeting you in chat today. I hope that contact with people through this site will help you not to feel so alone. One thing that I am seeing in your post is that you feel isolated and alone, but you seem to have a tendency not to let people get close enough to you to help you. Like, you said you avoid your family when you are unwell, and there are various professionals who would like to help, but you tell them to stop too because you don't feel like they are actually doing any good. I know it's hard, but if I can give you any advice it would be to try to give them another chance. It took me lots of tries to find a T who was any help to me, and finding the right meds is also trial and error. You'll find what works if you keep looking though.

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}] new here... not sur where to post this...sorry!

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>
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“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.”
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  #7  
Old Jun 30, 2004, 05:51 PM
lunarC lunarC is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 5
hi thanks eveyone i have a lot it take in here and so i will need to get back to to you....
i really appreciate your help. thank you for being so kind.
take care
lunar

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