[Rayne Selene]

Long story short, my dad is a narcissistic alcoholic sociopath who has made thr last ten years (at least) of my life HELL. He's manipulative and downright insane and he's totally broken me and my family. My parents divorced five years ago and we've spent that time trying to heal. I was foolish enough to try and preserve a relationship with him until recently, when I finally broke.

I immediately decided to change my last name to my mother's maiden name. I've sat on the decision for a few months to be sure, and I'm set in it--I don't want his name anymore. He's obsessed with owning us, and I don't want to belong to him.

That being said, I've now started to think about my first name. I've never liked it much--it's a VERY common name--and it also belongs to him. It's meaning is derived from him, and that's why I was named that. I thought maybe I'd start going by my middle name, but it isn't enough. My middle name is my maternal grandmother's name: so with changing my last name, I would ha e my grandmother's name. I love her, but I have such a fierce independent streak that I want my OWN name.

So I'm thinking about changing my first name. I'm thinking about doing a derivative of my mom's, Grace, so something meaning "from grace" or "of grace" because I love her deeply and we've been through so much together and this could be a way to honor her. At the same time, I think my family will think I'm insane...and it would be super weird to suddenly have everybody calling me a new name. But it's also what I want. What should I do? How should I do it? Am I nuts here?

[Sunflower123]

I think you gave a logical, well thought out reason for changing your name. If it will make you feel better, do it. What matters is what you think about it. I thought about changing my name many years ago for similar reasons and called an attorney to get it started. There may be an easier way to do....I just don't know. I decided not to change my name. Enjoy your new name if that's what you decide!!!

[childofchaos831]

I don't think you are nuts at all. Your reason behind wanting to change your name a valid and make sense, at least to me. I was also raised by a narcissistic parent and wish I could get away. Right now, that is not possible, tho.

People would get used to the new name eventually, but there would always be the ones that call you your original name.

You could start by just introducing yourself with the new name when you meet people and start asking close friends to use it, even before legally changing it. That way you can also get a feel for if the name you pick is right for you. Maybe even try out a few names with those thatf are really close just to see if you like how they sound...

I think if you feel you need to change your name, to truly heal from the way your father was, then you should absolutely do it. Other people's opinions don't matter. It's what you need.

[carrie_ann]

i changed my surname to my mothers maiden name as i couldn't bear seeing my fathers name on paper all the time. it's also the perfect time to change your first name to what you want, so i did that too. i'm so glad i did, best thing i ever done.

[Unrigged64072835]

One of my FB friends completely changed her name after her divorce. One of the best things she ever did. While she still has ties to her ex and family, she feels a lot freer.

You might want to check the courthouse in your county and see what needs to be done.

[unaluna]

I once thought to start using my middle name, as my first name is so "everybodys mothers name". The first time somebody called me by my middle name, i was like, no, thats not me! So i agree with previous posters here, you want to hear it out loud from other people before you decide.

Some of my cousins have changed their names because they were given really lets say archaic? ethnic names, or to distance themselves (like hey im not junior anymore), and im not as good at respecting this as i should be.

[splitimage]

My roommate completely changed her name, when she converted from Islam to Catholicism. Her family disowned her and kicked her out so she didn't want anything to do with her father's name, so she changed her last name to her mother's maiden name as it wasn't as obviously arabic, and picked and English first name she liked.

I think you have well thought out reasons for wanting to change your name. Go for it, if you think it will make you happy.

splitimage

No, you have a right to be known as whatever you wish and don't have to justify it to anyone.

I hate my real first name and never use it. I plan on changing it legally but my mother has emotionally manipulated and guilt tripped me out of it. Hopefully one day I work up the guts to do it.

[Maven]

If it makes you happy, change it!

I plan on changing my surname from Brown to Black because my family is never there for me when I need them the most and my mother was an abusive piece of crap.

The name change will have metaphorical meaning because the color black often symbolizes power and independence and I pride myself on having both.

So no, there is nothing wrong with doing so.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Long story short, my dad is a narcissistic alcoholic sociopath who has made thr last ten years (at least) of my life HELL. He's manipulative and downright insane and he's totally broken me and my family. My parents divorced five years ago and we've spent that time trying to heal. I was foolish enough to try and preserve a relationship with him until recently, when I finally broke.

I immediately decided to change my last name to my mother's maiden name. I've sat on the decision for a few months to be sure, and I'm set in it--I don't want his name anymore. He's obsessed with owning us, and I don't want to belong to him.

That being said, I've now started to think about my first name. I've never liked it much--it's a VERY common name--and it also belongs to him. It's meaning is derived from him, and that's why I was named that. I thought maybe I'd start going by my middle name, but it isn't enough. My middle name is my maternal grandmother's name: so with changing my last name, I would ha e my grandmother's name. I love her, but I have such a fierce independent streak that I want my OWN name.

So I'm thinking about changing my first name. I'm thinking about doing a derivative of my mom's, Grace, so something meaning "from grace" or "of grace" because I love her deeply and we've been through so much together and this could be a way to honor her. At the same time, I think my family will think I'm insane...and it would be super weird to suddenly have everybody calling me a new name. But it's also what I want. What should I do? How should I do it? Am I nuts here?

I say GO FOR IT!! I changed my name in July of 2005. My COMPLETE NAME! First, middle and went back to the family last name dropping my ex's last name.

It was fun once I had the court document and had to go get my driver's license switched over. They changed it right on the spot. I thought I would have to wait but I didn't. My health insurance, bank account, birth certificate, passport. All of it has to switch over. And I could tell that the folks who waited on me were dying to ask me why I had it changed, LOL One of my doctors during an exam kept saying that he had had patients change their LAST name but NEVER anyone who had changed FIRST AND MIDDLE names. I lowered my voice to barely a whisper and said: I am in witness protection. He looked at me to see if I was serious, LOL It was funny He said he wouldn't let Tony know I was there, LOL

I love my name I chose for myself. It is completely unique to me. I have googled it; there is no one else in this country who has it. So, I say, go for it! It is YOUR choice to make for YOU!

[Maven]

HappyCrafter, now you've got me curious about your new name, lol! But I respect your wanting to keep it secret!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

I say GO FOR IT!! I changed my name in July of 2005. My COMPLETE NAME! First, middle and went back to the family last name dropping my ex's last name.

It was fun once I had the court document and had to go get my driver's license switched over. They changed it right on the spot. I thought I would have to wait but I didn't. My health insurance, bank account, birth certificate, passport. All of it has to switch over.

Just because you didnt mention it, and I had to do it - Social Security? Get a new card and make sure all your earnings are under your new name.

[Rayne Selene]

Thank you everyone for your input! A lot of great advice here!
Question: those of you that have changed your name, was it weird when you started asking others to call you your new name? How did you adjust? Did you ever feel nostalgic for your old name? I'm suddenly feeling very emotional about all of this.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Thank you everyone for your input! A lot of great advice here!
Question: those of you that have changed your name, was it weird when you started asking others to call you your new name? How did you adjust? Did you ever feel nostalgic for your old name? I'm suddenly feeling very emotional about all of this.

I hated my old name, so no, I had no attachment to it but that is me. Honor your feelings, they are trying to tell you something about that choice. Honor them and validate them and they will stop bothering you.

I have to laugh at part of your question because sometimes when I had to sign my name, I had to stop for a second and remember what it was, LOL

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by Maven

HappyCrafter, now you've got me curious about your new name, lol! But I respect your wanting to keep it secret!

I have no need to keep it secret but I thought that we weren't to use our real names on here for safety reasons. If you go to my blog, you will see it. LCE in my graphic with my signature is my initials.

[Werewoman]

Change it. You won't regret it and you'll adjust. Besides, it sounds like fun!

[carrie_ann]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Thank you everyone for your input! A lot of great advice here!
Question: those of you that have changed your name, was it weird when you started asking others to call you your new name? How did you adjust? Did you ever feel nostalgic for your old name? I'm suddenly feeling very emotional about all of this.

it didn't feel weird at all, a relief in fact, and no nostalgia for a name i loathed. but i would say don't rush it if you're having second thoughts, no hurry, do it when you're ready.

[Maven]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

I have no need to keep it secret but I thought that we weren't to use our real names on here for safety reasons. If you go to my blog, you will see it. LCE in my graphic with my signature is my initials.

You're right... I don't think we're supposed to use real names (or at least it's optional). But I'll check out your blog.

[-jimi-]

I wish I had the guts to change my first name because it makes me shudder. It doesn't fit me at all who I am inside. I feel like I'm pressed down into the mold I was in as a teen, every time I just HEAR that name. It makes me feel so so so bad.

At the same time, I just don't want to deal with the battle with all relatives that would be super critical. I wish I had done it when I was younger and had more energy.

I did change my last name though, and I am really really happy with that name!

So then I though of changing my middle name and informally go as that one. But that name was chosen by my dad and he wanted it as my first name, a name I would have been happier with even if it is not an ideal name either. So I sort of want to keep my middle name. Many people here have two middle names so.. yea.. I'll keep thinking as I have done the last 10 years.

So the advice is, don't hesitate like me. It is just making it worse.