Boyfriend's moods/aggression/tics are really affecting me

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months (we are in our 40s) and as time has gone on it's become obvious to me that he has Tourette's and possibly something else as well, like Aspergers or OCD, but although he has admitted to having tics since a child he claims he's never been to a doctor/had medication and his behaviour has never even been noticed by anyone before, much less caused a problem. I just can't believe that, because when he's "normal" we get on like a house on fire, but I can tell straight away when he's not right and it's like being with a completely different person.

He has both verbal and motor tics; some days there'll be nothing and we'll have a great time, but other days he's saying obscenities under his breath, wringing his hands and shaking his head frequently. He is touchy and defensive to the point where if I say even the slightest thing "wrong" he's immediately angry. It makes me very anxious, never knowing what will set him off.

A few days back he wanted to get his hair cut but left it too late in the day. He claimed it didn't matter but it obviously did because his mood changed.
We somehow got into a talk about our respective pasts and when I made a comment he didn't like he went absolutely nuts, smashing things, calling me a f*cking ******, saying he hated me and shouting 2" from my face. He is a very big man so I found it very frightening and intimidating. When he said something extremely hurtful I started crying and left the room, but when I returned after an hour or so he didn't apologise but continued saying really nasty things to me. When I said his aggression had frightened me he genuinely found it funny, saying "but I never hit you". The next day he cried and later apologised. I asked why he'd cried but all he would say was that he was upset by what happened, without actually saying what.

I know I should be ending this relationship because I shouldn't be with someone who frightens me, but it's such a shame because when he's not having tics and the accompanying mood he's great to be with and we have such a laugh. Is there anyone who has experience of coping with a partner with Tourette's? Should I say that his behaviour is impacting me so much that he needs to get medical help and if he's unwilling to then I'll walk away? This is hard for me when I've become so emotionally invested in the relationship.

I think he immediately needs medical help and to see a doctor straight away.. it seems like he could be a very dangerous person to be around when he's angry. Propose to him to get help. If he refuses.. I'm afraid you'll just have to break up with him.

Please be safe

I say for you to leave him too. This is not a slight matter and should not be bruched under the rug. You don't have to be a doctor to him, which he obviously needs.

Leaving a relationship is really emotionally hard. I understand. But I think that, like Mickey and Avlady said, he needs medical help. And I do think you should distance yourself and find a way to leave him if he doesn't get better. It sounds like a Jekyll and Hyde situation where he seems to have 2 "personalities." I don't think you should stand for it. Even when he's being "Great." He sounds potentially dangerous.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I agree with the others...you need distance from him. He needs professional help immediately. His claims that it's never been a problem or noticed before are patently untrue. Please be safe. You don't deserve to be treated like that and to be anxious and scared. I also agree he sounds potentially dangerous. Sending big hugs.

Sounds like you are in a dangerous situation. He may not have hit you...yet..... But screaming 2 inches from your face and shouting obscenities is ABUSE. As you said that he has not been diagnosed so explaining away his abuse as "Tourette's" is just making excuses for unacceptable behavior. I'm not an expert but I've known people who had Tourette's and they have involuntary facial or body jerks and may mutter or shout obscenities, BUT they don't get in someone's face and target them. Again these are just my observations.

If he has not sought treatment things will only get worse. He explains away his abuse of you as "well I never hit you" and then laughing about it???? BIG RED FLAG.

Avoidance...I hear you. Sometimes I wish I could avoid myself It's good that you realize what you are doing..that's progress. Keep in mind that life is frequently 2 steps forward and 1 step back....or maybe 3 steps back.

Try not to beat yourself up about this. Sometimes it's ok to say "today I can't handle it." That's self care. If it turns into a prolonged episode then you might want to look at it.

I think this response is for my thread on avoidance, yes? Thanks Shazerac

I totally agree. So sorry... it may be painful to separate but u may need to for your own well being.