[iwanttohavehope]

I'm sorry if this get long. I've tried this forum before and didn't make a lot of connections, but now I'm back because I don't know what else to do, and I don't have health insurance besides the low cost clinic in town.

I'm the butt of a lot of jokes. I'm that adult that lives with their mom. How I got here is a long story, but every day I feel like a failed human.

My father passed away 9 years ago. At first, I wanted to be there and help my mom, but over time she got more and more toxic. We argued, she treated me like a kid, and I was thinking of ways to get away from her. Then I got laid off and had nowhere to live. I wish I had risked losing the friendship of my only two friends and moving in with them and their two kids to live in their messy basement while I tried to find another job.

Mom decided to move because the house payment was getting too much, and we moved from a city in Ohio to a rural spot in North Carolina near my grandparents. The opportunities are really limited here. I got really depressed and spent a few years spinning my wheels, trying to figure out a way to deal with it.

She started getting worse, and berating me for not finding a job even though I've looked all over and get no callbacks. I tell her she's hurting me and she turns it on me and it ends up in a lot of shouting and "why don't you get a job and leave?" among other things. Like I wouldn't if it was that easy.

She very "I'm right, everyone else is wrong/stupid" including me. When I tell her she hurts me, she tells me I'm crazy and I need to get a job and get out. Over and over again I've told her about the trouble I've had. She doesn't remember.

I have two part time remote work jobs that aren't paying slave wages currently, and looking for a third, in the hopes of getting at least a minimum wage salary (I don't hope for much anymore) but these don't count.

She's been belittling me for years. I'm dumb, I can't read her mind on weird house rules she has, like not putting a hot cup from the microwave on the counter, and unplugging the power strips when you're done using said microwave. She flies off the handle when I mess up.

She had a blowout with her side of the family and has said that she doesn't need them/is cutting herself off from them. When I asked questions about what happened she turned on me like I took their side. She had said something about it was hard growing up with them and I felt bad, thinking maybe this was the start of an understanding. But then she snapped my head off and I'm officially done.

I don't have enough money to leave. I really want to. I don't want to be a leech until the day I die. I don't want to be made to feel bad all the time. I want to go as far away as possible, get some job that I don't hate, and have some quiet time to myself. Even if I never make another friend again and am alone the rest of my life. I just want peace.

Can anyone help me, either plan the getaway or how to at least manage her mess until I can leave? If I can sell the little bit of stuff I own to get away from her, I will. It's just that it takes time, and I'm not getting any younger.

I'm really ashamed of myself. I can't take care of things like normal people do. I thought I did everything right when I was younger and now I'm here.

(((((hugs))))) That is not an easy situation you have on your hands, and I really feel for you. You're in a tough position. Your mom is most certainly very toxic.

Can you walk away from her when she gets like this and tell her something along the lines of, "I will not tolerate this from you. When you can speak with me with respect and caring and truly hear what I am saying or explaining, then I will talk to you, but not right now." Then leave the room. She may yell and not like it, but that is setting a healthy boundary to protect yourself from her outrageous responses.

Do you have your own living space where you can gain some peace? Do you have any coffee shops nearby where you could bring your computer to apply and look for jobs and/or conduct your part-time remote jobs? Or perhaps a local library? Do you have headphones so you can listen to soothing music to help you chill out, relax and get away from her?

I live with my parents who sometimes drive me crazy, I work remotely from home too, so that's what I do when I'm going insane.

It will just be a matter of time before you're able to earn & save enough, get another job and eventually move out... in the meantime, you've got to protect your sanity and mental health in any way that you can.

Not sure if this helps you any, but I sympathasize... ((((More hugs))))

[Olanza-what?]

Hi Iwanttohavehope ((Hugs))
I am sorry to hear of your troubles and I have not experienced what you are going through but fully understand the need and desire to be independent. I moved from my parent's house to my spouse's house and never had the pleasure of living on my own and by my own rules, so I empathize with you.

I am not sure how old you are and you need not disclose that cause what I am about to share has nothing to do with age other than how one thinks. I would suggest you return to school, perhaps a short program (6 months to 2 years) and learn a new trade or improve your current trade/career thus increasing your chances for employment with a decent wage, hopefully at least a few bucks above minimum wage. It will also allow you to change your environment giving you constructive time away from your mom and provide a cooling off period for her. You will find that most trade schools offer job placement assistance and offer financial aid as well. Again, some programs are as short as 6 months and as long as 2 years and also most offer a Certificate or Diploma upon completion. I work at a secondary school and have seen all ages attend the programs. Well, it's just a thought. I hope my input was helpful in hopefully directing you or giving you additional ideas of how to better your situation.

I wish you good health and every success! Be good to you always !

[iwanttohavehope]

Thank you Olanza.

That's the thing. I hoped to go back to down here, an not only was it expensive, the quality of the facilites qas poor. In Ohio, I was going to school to be a web developer, I got a grant after I was laid off, but it was cut short by the move. In NC if you don't live near a big city you're SOL when it comes to school. They didn't even have a web design/development program. I blew a year there. They don't seem to care much if you're in the mountains.

I tried the online learning, but there wasn't much personal help there unless you paid a lot of money. I learned a good bit, then forgot most of it as the need to make money took over. Life got in the way.

It's something I'd like to do. I'd at least have the option of working from home when my anxiety kicked up maybe.

I'm trying yo find something. I figure with more than one side gig they can't all be slow at the same time. Maybe.

[iwanttohavehope]

Hello golden_eve.

I actually tried the don't talk unless you can be civil thing before. It's ended up with long stretches of nothing bit text messages. Domineering texts. To the point where I get nervous when I see there's a message, because she's the only person that texts me. I turned off the notification, I still see them sometimes.

I can sometimes get away, but the car I drive to town with is in the shop so I'm housebound at the moment. The only time I get to myself is going out in the evening to listen to podcasts and have a soda. She has about as much of a life as me and is home most of the day (she's retired). Those odd nights she's gone, I stay up as late as I can...playing music without headphones and doing my own laundry. Exciting, I know. It still feels like a mini vacation when she's not there.

I've asked her in the past and present to talk to someone about this and she flips it on me. I sometimes think she enjoys the hostility.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by iwanttohavehope

Thank you Olanza.

That's the thing. I hoped to go back to down here, an not only was it expensive, the quality of the facilites qas poor. In Ohio, I was going to school to be a web developer, I got a grant after I was laid off, but it was cut short by the move. In NC if you don't live near a big city you're SOL when it comes to school. They didn't even have a web design/development program. I blew a year there. They don't seem to care much if you're in the mountains.

I tried the online learning, but there wasn't much personal help there unless you paid a lot of money. I learned a good bit, then forgot most of it as the need to make money took over. Life got in the way.

It's something I'd like to do. I'd at least have the option of working from home when my anxiety kicked up maybe.

I'm trying yo find something. I figure with more than one side gig they can't all be slow at the same time. Maybe.

Here's my thought on this. Find a program (vocational or college) in a city, with more job opportunities, research it, look at opportunities for financial assistance that would allow enough for you to find an apartment or room and move. It sounds like you've tried everything you can where you are at and it sounds like you want this. It won't be easy, but it can be done, and I suspect you will be happier than you have in a long time.

Web Design is a cool field, however I want to throw out a word of caution. It is hard to find good paying web design jobs as a freelancer. There is so much competition from freelancers from all over the world willing to work for $10 an hour or under and there are also many sites offering free websites that many people take advantage of. That said, certain areas may have better opportunities than others with local small businesses that want a website that is more than a DIY site, but who can't afford a web design agency and are hesitant to work with an unseen freelancer.

I would recommend looking in a more broad program, computer science in general, Marketing, Business Admin or other programs. Web Design can be self-taught. You can probably supplement your income with jobs here and there, but I'd be hesitant to count on freelance work as a main source of income. A lot of developers have done well building their own sites and monetizing them, but that can take a lot of time and effort with no guarantee of success.

Good luck with your future endeavors!

[iwanttohavehope]

Originally Posted by reb569

Here's my thought on this. Find a program (vocational or college) in a city, with more job opportunities, research it, look at opportunities for financial assistance that would allow enough for you to find an apartment or room and move. It sounds like you've tried everything you can where you are at and it sounds like you want this. It won't be easy, but it can be done, and I suspect you will be happier than you have in a long time.

Web Design is a cool field, however I want to throw out a word of caution. It is hard to find good paying web design jobs as a freelancer. There is so much competition from freelancers from all over the world willing to work for $10 an hour or under and there are also many sites offering free websites that many people take advantage of. That said, certain areas may have better opportunities than others with local small businesses that want a website that is more than a DIY site, but who can't afford a web design agency and are hesitant to work with an unseen freelancer.

I would recommend looking in a more broad program, computer science in general, Marketing, Business Admin or other programs. Web Design can be self-taught. You can probably supplement your income with jobs here and there, but I'd be hesitant to count on freelance work as a main source of income. A lot of developers have done well building their own sites and monetizing them, but that can take a lot of time and effort with no guarantee of success.

Good luck with your future endeavors!

Thank you!

I noticed on my dev social media account there was a lot of freelancers that had blogs that made them seem kind of glamorous, but they didn't talk about that constant hustle for work except for that rare, post. The rest of them acted like they didn't know what depression was. There was pressure to be perky that really wasn't me. I blocked the jerky ones.

I do want to move. I was daydreaming about it for a while. In the meantime I have to find enough work to get some emergency funds. I have a credit card to pay down as well.

That intermediate job is where I'm stuck. I need another something to lift the pressure of brokeness off me. Maybe because I'm skittish from my upbringing, I'm afraid to leap, when I should just leap. Debt and fear of failure, that's me. I did think about dipping into my 401k as an emergency thing and hope for the best. It's not much. But again, scaredy cat.

Even if I never become a tech, as long as the job is pleasant, I can be content. I just want to drink tea on a porch, maybe make a friend and make dinner for them.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I sympathize. You've gotten some Excellent responses here. I hope you can find something that helps you. Your mother is toxic. Limit your exposure to her. Wishing you well. Sending big hugs.

[iwanttohavehope]

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not wrong to think something is off. This situation makes me double myself so much. I doubt my own thoughts.

I have a lot to think about. But maybe this time I can break the holding pattern I've been in since I came down here. I have to keep my motivation up.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to talk to me

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I sympathize. You've gotten some Excellent responses here. I hope you can find something that helps you. Your mother is toxic. Limit your exposure to her. Wishing you well. Sending big hugs.