[The Madcap]

So just a disclosure, I do NOT actually want to do these things. They are only thoughts that go on in my head, so don’t be afraid. So ever since I was 16, I’ve had suicidal ideations. I always pictured myself going into my classroom and getting in front of the class and shooting myself. I was a very unpopular kid in high school. I was weird, quiet, very socially awkward. I had a hatred at the time for everyone in my school, but I never really had any sort of homicidal ideations until after high school, they were mostly suicidal ideations. Now I would never do these things because I have a girlfriend and I love her a lot and I’m really close to my mom and I would never want to leave them, but sometimes

Possible trigger:

I have fantasies of making a friend and then going into my old school and shooting people and then killing ourselves.

Why might I be posting this? Well I just need an answer. What could this come from? Is it from my cyclothymia? I’ve always speculated that I had Bordeline Personality Disorder because I always feel this abandonment and boredom and I always question people’s loyalty around me and get suspicious if my girlfriend is cheating on me or not even though she’s very loyal. I’m really easily to anger and I get upset over stupid stuff and will have a low self esteem about myself one moment and have a high self esteem the next minute. Even now I’m paranoid about even posting this because I don’t want people taking this seriously and reporting me. my only question is why am I having these things? I’m actually going to visit a psychiatrist to get some medication but don’t know if I need a new diagnostic if these symptoms are sounding like BPD or if instead of anxiety meds (I have GAD) I need a mood stabilizer or something. Anyways thank you everyone for your time

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by The Madcap

So just a disclosure, I do NOT actually want to do these things. They are only thoughts that go on in my head, so don’t be afraid. So ever since I was 16, I’ve had suicidal ideations. I always pictured myself going into my classroom and getting in front of the class and shooting myself. I was a very unpopular kid in high school. I was weird, quiet, very socially awkward. I had a hatred at the time for everyone in my school, but I never really had any sort of homicidal ideations until after high school, they were mostly suicidal ideations. Now I would never do these things because I have a girlfriend and I love her a lot and I’m really close to my mom and I would never want to leave them, but sometimes

Possible trigger:

I have fantasies of making a friend and then going into my old school and shooting people and then killing ourselves.

Why might I be posting this? Well I just need an answer. What could this come from? Is it from my cyclothymia? I’ve always speculated that I had Bordeline Personality Disorder because I always feel this abandonment and boredom and I always question people’s loyalty around me and get suspicious if my girlfriend is cheating on me or not even though she’s very loyal. I’m really easily to anger and I get upset over stupid stuff and will have a low self esteem about myself one moment and have a high self esteem the next minute. Even now I’m paranoid about even posting this because I don’t want people taking this seriously and reporting me. my only question is why am I having these things? I’m actually going to visit a psychiatrist to get some medication but don’t know if I need a new diagnostic if these symptoms are sounding like BPD or if instead of anxiety meds (I have GAD) I need a mood stabilizer or something. Anyways thank you everyone for your time

Besides being a bit freaked by your post, I'd say you are very angry. No judgement here but this is frightening. If you have these thoughts, maybe you should find out why. I do understand that you wouldn't act on these but for your peace of mind, maybe talk to a professional about the meaning behind them.

[The Madcap]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Besides being a bit freaked by your post, I'd say you are very angry. No judgement here but this is frightening. If you have these thoughts, maybe you should find out why. I do understand that you wouldn't act on these but for your peace of mind, maybe talk to a professional about the meaning behind them.

Thank you for understanding. I know it’s a sensitive topic now a days, but I would NEVER do these things or act them out. It’s kind of like someone fantasizing about killing there boss or something. They would never actually do it. I probably make a terrible case here but I actually am going to see a psychiatrist and hopefully I can tell them these things as well, it’s not that I want to do them, because whenever I think about it, it makes me sick. I love my life and like people for the most part. I think it might just be my cylothymia or what not.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by The Madcap

Thank you for understanding. I know it’s a sensitive topic now a days, but I would NEVER do these things or act them out. It’s kind of like someone fantasizing about killing there boss or something. They would never actually do it. I probably make a terrible case here but I actually am going to see a psychiatrist and hopefully I can tell them these things as well, it’s not that I want to do them, because whenever I think about it, it makes me sick. I love my life and like people for the most part. I think it might just be my cylothymia or what not.

Could it be like intrusive thoughts......I’ve thought of

Possible trigger:

either slitting my wrist or putting my hand in the garbage disposal but would never actually do either....it’s more like my mind likes to play games with how horrible things could be.....

I'd like to share my answer with you, but would rather do it privately. PM me if you are comfortable. If not, best wishes.

[Open Eyes]

It's good that you are willing to talk about this challenge. The kind of fantasy you are describing is reflecting how you struggle to work through your past of somehow being hurt or rejected. The solution coming out in your fantasy reflects that you don't know any other real way to understand, deal, resolve, so the solution is to get rid of the problem and yourself. Given that you are still so young yet, along with the fact that you are in the raging hormonal years, means you genuinely do not have the maturity to know what to do with your deep anger and resentments and emotional injuries. Actually, your brain isn't fully developed yet either, that doesn't happen until around age 25.

The important thing for you to remember is that if you did act out this fantasy, it would do NOTHING to actually "fix" whatever you experienced that created your deep frustrations. The individuals that have somehow hurt you and let you down are "ignorant" and elimination NEVER fixes that. Also, the desire to find a "friend" to do this with you only means you are looking for another hurt and angry resentful individual when what you SHOULD be looking for is a "friend" that you can learn from and actually HEAL with and instead of destroying what hurts you seek to "enlighten" in ways that are much better at bringing true awareness and knowledge instead of ignorance.

[*Laurie*]

I agree with Open Eyes. A very insightful reply to your OP.