[LiteraryLark]

I need to be heard. A "thanks for this" can mean I've been heard, a "hug" can mean your support, a comment can mean the world to me.

I need to find my true self, and I am clueless as where to start.

What does it mean to find my true self?

I've already found my career pathway. I want to work with the elderly. I want to become a geriatric nurse. It's amazing that I've found my passion when I used to be so clueless for so long

But something is missing, and I don't know what. My parents told me this year is dedicated to finding my true self. Does that mean my character? My personality? My demeanor?

Some say you start with small changes. Right now, I want to become an Alpha to a German Shepherd. I've written many heartfelt letters to my parents about my needs for a German Shepherd and they agreed, but come serious conversation they flat out told me I couldn't handle it or ANY dog for that matter. Then two seconds later my mom switched to, "so, when are you seeing your shink?" Thanks Mom and Dad, you don't think I'm capable of raising a dog because I'm mentally incapable.

So what do I do? Take on the responsibility of THE DOG I HAVE plus Evy and the fish and down every book on dog training and dog ownership...in addition to all of my other responsibilities.

I try so hard, explained in many, many of my posts I've made, to take on more and more responsibility. I feel that's the only way I can prove I am "tough enough" and "mature enough". I hate feeling weak and incapable because of my illness. In a very mature talk with my mom, she told me I have to let go of my past, my illness, my labeling of being a fire victim...but for so long I've been pushing the notion that I am more than my illness, more than a fire vicitm...why does everything have to be her idea? Why can't she just see that I've been fighting for so long to get rid of that stigma, that I am more than my conditions? Why can't it be me that had that wild idea to begin with?

She wants me to be open and honest with her...how? If I open my mouth, she interjects with her emotions and her opinions before I even form a sentence. I do want to be open and honest with her...but she has to listen, and she has never done that. Our relationship, between my mom and dad and I, is not as strong as it was before the fire. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking about my true feelings, and it's a lot harder when the relationship isn't as strong.

I feel I am already in the right direction of finding my true self, but I just don't know where this path is supposed to take me, and how I'm supposed to get there. I feel so many emotions, but lately I've been trying to embrace my inner Jane Goodall, a woman of "calm-assertiveness". I look up to her, and she is the demeanor I should strive for. I try to take a deep breath and fix my posture and put on a calm, powerful face. It's starting to work on my dog. I put on my "Jane Goodall face" and I noticed he is much more receptive to me. He accepted my pig ear without him cowering which is a good sign. I think if I take him on walks we can work on our relationship. The only way I can prove to be a good dog owner is to take care of the dog I have. I hate to say this, please no judgment, but I hate, hate Max. He is everything I hate in a dog. He's cowardly and licks himself to no end, and he is not a loyal dog. He wouldn't care who takes care of him as long as there is food, although I have to say, my brother is the only one he is loyal to, but he went off to the military and we are stuck with him. The main reason why I do not like Max is because one time I took him for a walk and badly sprained my ankle, he did not care, two people had to carry me home and all he did was jump everytime the leash swayed. That was the last straw for me and Max...but...I decided, since I like the elderly, I should like the elderly dog, too. I want to give Max the best life he can have at the end of his life. I want to set aside that inner rage I have to show Max that I do, in fact, care for him. I will be very sad when he passes away. It will hurt me to see him go, so for that last leg of his life, I owe it to my brother to see to it that Max is sent off with dignity. He may not be the greatest dog we ever had, but I want to ensure that his last year or two of his life was full of love and care. It's hard to explain, how you can desperately so want a dog but hate the dog you have...it may seem selfish, doesn't it? It just really hurt my feelings to have a replacement for Sarge, it just didn't seem like the right time, then Max became Darien's dog when Darien was 12 and to be told at almost 26 that I'm not "competent" enough for my own dog...and then the incident of me spraining my ankle and Max didn't care...I felt...if it were Sarge, he'd help me to safety and worry about me for every moment...and then to see that Max didn't care at all...I know pets are a touchy subject, I hope there is no judgement...Max isn't the brightest dog but he's still a good dog, and I am serious about making sure Max goes with dignity...but still, I want my own dog so badly...my own German Shepherd...Mom and Dad said Sarge was a handful in their 30s...how can they handle a puppy let alone a German Shepherd puppy at their age? I have the energy, even when I go to school and work I'll be sure to make the time. I can handle it...right? What's so wrong with me that I can't handle a Shepherd? Yes, they are powerful dogs. But look at Sarge! Sarge was my protector! Even at a young age, Sarge always took care of me, and even on his final day, he wanted to stop me from crying because he loved me. I know I'll never have another Sarge, but I want a dog of my own. A dog that learns to obey me, to protect me, to be by my side no matter what. Yes, I have my cat Evy, but dogs are just so different. Maybe my parents see how I handle Evy and think I'm no match for a dog...but dogs are so much different from cats, I would never treat a dog the way I do a cat...I don't know...am I rambling too much?

What will it take to learn who I am? I want to become a well-rounded adult, but I don't know where to start...I'm starting with the "Jane Goodall attitude" and the dog, but there's so much more to that when it comes to identifying who I am...I have been building on my social skills, asking people in shops "hey, how are you?" with sincerity, and striking up conversations with people, something I've never done. I've been on top of feeding Evy and the fish, taking out Evy's litterbox, cleaning my room, cleaning the house. What does it even mean, to "find one's self"?

What goals should I have this year to find myself? What am I even looking for?

Thank you for reading this. Anything helps.

[marvin_pa]

Just my opinion, but I think that 'finding yourself' is the task of a lifetime, rather than something you can fit into an arbitrary year. For all my repetitive traits/faults/features, I'm not the same person that I was a year, or a decade ago - heck, I'm arguably not the same person that I was yesterday - every experience potentially changes you & whatever direction you're heading. Personally, I think that the real goal is about growing whilst also reaching/maintaining a state of acceptance of self - since that's also a constantly evolving target, it also involves a recognition that I'll never be a 'finished' product, right up to my final heartbeat. And the path to that final beat, is subject to continual evolution, every moment of every day. There hasn't been a correct route - only the one that I ended up/continue taking & one that I really can't be sure where it will eventually take me to. Journey, not the destination.

As for dogs, I'll say this - my observation is that someone with an emotional bond to a canine, is generally a calmer, more assured person - they're naturally grounding. Yes, there's a responsibility aspect, which becomes more significant with a larger dog that'll require more interaction/exercise - but, they're also a genuine reason to take on responsibility, with that emotional bond being the payback that gives the responsibility meaning beyond just proving oneself.

I am probably projecting my own tendencies onto you but when you say you need to find your true self I hear anxiety behind that statement. As in, perhaps you aren't happy with you.

It is so good that you have career and personal goals and are working toward them. It that process which defines and helps us learn more about our "true selves." I think what we do and who we are with shapes us but we also have a core temperament which we were born with.

Also, my first USERNAME was Mysterious because I couldn't figure out why some of the things I had talked about in therapy were unleashing so many severe automatic reactions. I was also in therapy in order to understand why I attempted. I have a better sense of "Why" but, honestly, I will never totally know--some things in this world are just not totally knowable and we cannot control others and everything that happens to us. I have been working on accepting this and living more in the present moment.

My mother loved us very much but she was a bit authoritarian and wanted to know all our business growing up. As a result, I am a people pleaser with very weak boundaries. One of the ways I am feeling like I have my own identity is by keeping more of my thoughts totally private. When someone wants to smother us/know everything we think and want and then start telling us what we should think and feel, that way of dealing with us makes us feel less strong and independent. I am finding that learning to create more boundaries with the people who I love, who are like this--makes me feel stronger and prouder of myself. When we have strong boundaries--we are showing respect and love for ourselves.

I have told you about a lot of lessons I have learned since my attempt and I hope you find something I have said useful. As Marvin said, learning to love and accept ourselves is a lifelong process. Enjoy the journey!

[MickeyCheeky]

Personally I think you're doing great. Finding yourself is something that takes a lot of time, it won't happen overnight, but I'd say you're on the right path. Unfortunately I don't know much about dogs

[LiteraryLark]

Thank you, everyone. It feels nice to get some support.

[luvyrself]

Knowing yr age would help us get a feel for yr situation.
The older you are, the more you need to be acquiring career skills that will be a lot more validating and sustaining than a dog. We need a pet as a comfort animal, but I tried 3 different dogs and found that along w work, a dog was just too much. I am a cat person. When you are stressed, you don’t have to do a lot for them. You will be nurturing people a lot in yr career, so maybe try that first.

[Wild Coyote]

I have an affinity for German Shepherds, too.

The breed of a dog helps in determining which type of a dog fits in a particular lifestyle. Any good trainer will make sure people know this.

German Shepherds are working dogs. They are happiest being busy with work/chores and with lots and lots of exercise. German Shepherds tend to be very bright. They need intensive and ongoing training. They are apt to challenge their human companion at anytime, re: challenging who is the boss. Owners must be willing and able to put in the time and the training... on an ongoing basis. Training never stops.

I have had several G. Shepherds and I think it's very important for potential owners fully realize that these are dogs which demand a lot of ongoing time and ongoing energy. A G. Shepherd, if healthy, will not be happy being cooped up and/or waiting (in a crate or otherwise) for someone to show up for exercise/things to do. My shepherds have needed thorough work-outs every single day, in addition to being busy with me all day long.

My last shepherd was a peach. She also served as my service animal. While she had provided service to me, she also needed a lot in order to stay as healthy (on all levels) as possible.

I may have another shepherd one day in the near future. I might settle for a calmer breed instead. It's really very important, as the human guardians of our animals, to meet all of their needs.

I am currently aware of two different "working dog breeds" being mistreated by being kept penned up 90% of the time. At the most, they go for an occasional walk. These two dogs are restless/agitated and are quickly becoming aggressive and out-of-control for their guardians. neither do the guardians have a clue as to how to train these dogs. If the dogs/guardians were to start training, the guardians' schedules do not allow enough time/energy for the dogs' needs.

A shepherd's training starts immediately and never stops. A Shepherd needs ongoing/daily vigorous physical activity in order to calm itself.

I am not saying you cannot take care of one. I am just discussing some of the needs of high-energy working breeds of dogs. If the dog is unhappy, everyone around it will also be unhappy.

please be sure you truly have the ongoing time and the ongoing energy to deal with a working breed 24/7. You will be glad for making these choices with information and with honesty about your availability, as well as the ability to keep the daily commitments needed for these dogs.

A dog is forever. In the least, a dog will last many years.

That said, I love to see guardians w/lifestyles which support the happiness of working breeds of dogs.

Just some food for thought.

I wish you happiness!


WC

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I have an affinity for German Shepherds, too.

The breed of a dog helps in determining which type of a dog fits in a particular lifestyle. Any good trainer will make sure people know this.

German Shepherds are working dogs. They are happiest being busy with work/chores and with lots and lots of exercise. German Shepherds tend to be very bright. They need intensive and ongoing training. They are apt to challenge their human companion at anytime, re: challenging who is the boss. Owners must be willing and able to put in the time and the training... on an ongoing basis. Training never stops.

I have had several G. Shepherds and I think it's very important for potential owners fully realize that these are dogs which demand a lot of ongoing time and ongoing energy. A G. Shepherd, if healthy, will not be happy being cooped up and/or waiting (in a crate or otherwise) for someone to show up for exercise/things to do. My shepherds have needed thorough work-outs every single day, in addition to being busy with me all day long.

My last shepherd was a peach. She also served as my service animal. While she had provided service to me, she also needed a lot in order to stay as healthy (on all levels) as possible.

I may have another shepherd one day in the near future. I might settle for a calmer breed instead. It's really very important, as the human guardians of our animals, to meet all of their needs.

I am currently aware of two different "working dog breeds" being mistreated by being kept penned up 90% of the time. At the most, they go for an occasional walk. These two dogs are restless/agitated and are quickly becoming aggressive and out-of-control for their guardians. neither do the guardians have a clue as to how to train these dogs. If the dogs/guardians were to start training, the guardians' schedules do not allow enough time/energy for the dogs' needs.

A shepherd's training starts immediately and never stops. A Shepherd needs ongoing/daily vigorous physical activity in order to calm itself.

I am not saying you cannot take care of one. I am just discussing some of the needs of high-energy working breeds of dogs. If the dog is unhappy, everyone around it will also be unhappy.

please be sure you truly have the ongoing time and the ongoing energy to deal with a working breed 24/7. You will be glad for making these choices with information and with honesty about your availability, as well as the ability to keep the daily commitments needed for these dogs.

A dog is forever. In the least, a dog will last many years.

That said, I love to see guardians w/lifestyles which support the happiness of working breeds of dogs.

Just some food for thought.

I wish you happiness!


WC

Thank you so much.

My family is very much a German Shepherd family. We've owned shepherds before and we agreed that our next dog will be another shepherd. My parents are concerned that I am not Alpha material. I want to prove them wrong. I am reading every dog book I can get my hand on, and I have the family dog Max (mixed blonde lab) to work with and get my feet wet with.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

Thank you so much.

My family is very much a German Shepherd family. We've owned shepherds before and we agreed that our next dog will be another shepherd. My parents are concerned that I am not Alpha material. I want to prove them wrong. I am reading every dog book I can get my hand on, and I have the family dog Max (mixed blonde lab) to work with and get my feet wet with.

It's nice to read you are a German Shepherd family!
You know what to expect.
Wonderful!

WC

[TishaBuv]

When do you think you’ll be moving out of your parent’s house and becoming an independent adult? I would think that’s the primary goal at this stage in your life.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

When do you think you’ll be moving out of your parent’s house and becoming an independent adult? I would think that’s the primary goal at this stage in your life.

My parents want me to live with them...forever.

I thought of two things...One is to wait until I am done with my schooling. It's not cheap to get an education...I'd rather use my rent money towards school since my parents do not charge for rent.

AND...

I would give it a few years to see how my relationship is going with my girlfriend, and then find a house we could rent out together.

I think getting an education is more important than finding my own place at the moment, and I literally just moved out of state for the first time and that is tough to cope with.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

My parents want me to live with them...forever.

I thought of two things...One is to wait until I am done with my schooling. It's not cheap to get an education...I'd rather use my rent money towards school since my parents do not charge for rent.

AND...

I would give it a few years to see how my relationship is going with my girlfriend, and then find a house we could rent out together.

I think getting an education is more important than finding my own place at the moment, and I literally just moved out of state for the first time and that is tough to cope with.

That makes sense and sounds like a good plan. If you can arrange to get another dog, then go for it.

[splitimage]

I think finding yourself is an on going process that takes time and happens in stages as you move through different milestones in life.

You say you want to be a geriatric nurse. That's great, but what steps have you taken towards meeting that goal? Have you researched programs, entrance requirements, tuition? Have you figured out when you want to apply? How are you going to pay for it? These are all important steps that need to happen to help you towards your goal. They will also demonstrate your maturity to your parents, and likely increase their thinking about whether or not you can handle a German Sheppard.

Good luck.

splitimage

[mwaxy]

Originally Posted by marvin_pa

Just my opinion, but I think that 'finding yourself' is the task of a lifetime, rather than something you can fit into an arbitrary year. For all my repetitive traits/faults/features, I'm not the same person that I was a year, or a decade ago - heck, I'm arguably not the same person that I was yesterday - every experience potentially changes you & whatever direction you're heading. Personally, I think that the real goal is about growing whilst also reaching/maintaining a state of acceptance of self - since that's also a constantly evolving target, it also involves a recognition that I'll never be a 'finished' product, right up to my final heartbeat. And the path to that final beat, is subject to continual evolution, every moment of every day. There hasn't been a correct route - only the one that I ended up/continue taking & one that I really can't be sure where it will eventually take me to. Journey, not the destination.

As for dogs, I'll say this - my observation is that someone with an emotional bond to a canine, is generally a calmer, more assured person - they're naturally grounding. Yes, there's a responsibility aspect, which becomes more significant with a larger dog that'll require more interaction/exercise - but, they're also a genuine reason to take on responsibility, with that emotional bond being the payback that gives the responsibility meaning beyond just proving oneself.

As far as I'm concerned the size of the dog need not matter except for the allocation of a great yard, regular exercise, appropriate feeding and socialisation Its about what they need.

[mwaxy]

Originally Posted by splitimage

I think finding yourself is an on going process that takes time and happens in stages as you move through different milestones in life.

You say you want to be a geriatric nurse. That's great, but what steps have you taken towards meeting that goal? Have you researched programs, entrance requirements, tuition? Have you figured out when you want to apply? How are you going to pay for it? These are all important steps that need to happen to help you towards your goal. They will also demonstrate your maturity to your parents, and likely increase their thinking about whether or not you can handle a German Sheppard.

Good luck.

splitimage

Have you done the same in your career? I've got a feeling OP is going to be somewhat offended by some of these posts and i empathise with them.

[mwaxy]

Word of caution.

Literaylark is an adult. My feeling in some of the posts is that they are not treated as such.

[*Laurie*]

I'm so sorry, honey. I will try to reply to your post when I can. I'm having a rough go right now.

[happysobercrafter]

I found me.

My "me" was struggling underneath the pain and gaping wounds inflicted on me by people who abused me. I had to face my reality that my mother and two older sisters damaged me severely that I have two overdoses in my background, but I found me underneath that junk I had to work through to get better to develop confidence in myself.

Every day, I work hard to accept any negative thoughts or feelings bouncing around in my head. Some are very painful and others blow me away when I realize what they are, but my negative chatter is much better than it was before I focused on healing the best I could. That is what is key for me.

Sweetpea, your "you" is your inner self, your inner child, your soul, your ego or whatever you want to call her but she is made up of your self-esteem. She is in there, you need to work through what pains you to set her free.

Do you know how to do that?

[happysobercrafter]

LiteraryLark, I apologize if I came across as preachy. That is what I did and it helped me. Of course, you do what you choose to and set the pace for you.

[Travelinglady]

You sound like you have your head on right. Some people need a bit more time before moving out. And you're going back to school and seeing what your future with your girlfriend will be.

[LiteraryLark]

An update...

I am very excited to be going to school. My goal in life is to follow my passions, and having an education will provide me with much more opportunities to do so. Caregiving was the spark that wanted me to pursue nursing, and with an education I will be following my passions while having an income that will provide for myself and one day my own family. Thank you for all who is supporting me while I transition into that college life!

A dear friend of mine told me yesterday, "Follow your heart"...boy, I don't hear that enough! This year will be my year of following my heart, practicing self-care, and discovering who I am. I've already made the big step to enroll in school, and that will do wonders for all those things, but it's also important for me to find work. I've been recommended to a certain company by three different people, and today the guidance counselor recommended a company that "all the nursing students work for", so now I have two big options that will work with my class schedule but will also prepare my for my nursing pathway. The guidance counselor also recommended taking the CNA courses as it will "add 1000 points" to my nursing application, and it will also increase my pay in a caregiving company. It's so great to have options!

Practicing self-care is always an ongoing process. I have a solid list of tried and true ways I cope with day to day life, but I also like to come up with new ways to reduce stress and find balance in my life. A strict diet and exercise regime brings me great joy to know that I am putting good things into my body and keeping my body fit, and a small portion of Mom's cooking after a day of mindful eating is always a yummy reward. I've rediscovered my love for reading. I try to read two books a week: one "educational" book, such as Cesar Millan's dog training books to prepare myself for my own dog (please, Mom?) or a book about the elderly to keep learning about my pathway, and then a "recreational" book, which is typically memoirs or science/nature books. As educational as they are, I love getting wrapped up in real-life adventures and to me they are more fun than fiction, because "WOW! This stuff actually happened!?" I also got back into bubble baths, listening to certain music that reminds me of good times real and imaginary, and I've also taken responsibility of walking Max, not only because I want to prove I'm a good dog owner, but because I made a promise to his owner that I'd take good care of him, and furthermore, Max is a senior dog and I do keep my elderly clients' well-being in mind, even if they have four legs. 😛

Last, but not least, and certainly not the easiest, is to discover who I am. What does that even mean? There's often this broad generalization question, "What do I want in life?" and I know it certainly doesn't mean what job do I want to do for the rest of my life. But I know there are some questions that I myself want to be asking, and I'll keep those thoughts private, but what does it mean to discover who I am? Does it mean to come to terms with that damn belly fat and my muffin top? Does it mean I choose between boys or girls or both? What I look for in a partner? Does it mean self-improvement, and in which areas? Do I go on a shroom binge and have some epiphany upon return from reality? I'm not really sure what "discover myself" should mean and be put into action, but I guess I'll discover that in time.

If you read that, congratulations, thanks for sticking it out. Haha. Right now, my focus is school and work, and I'll check back from time to time, any thoughts or hugs are appreciated.

Also, one more update, I broke up with my girlfriend. Our relationship was very complicated, not only was it long distance but she is also polysexual and I came to realize I was never really okay with being someone's "one of many", even if she means the world to me. We both agreed we are best friends first and foremost and that will never change, and she said someday down the road we can reevaluate our feelings for each other.

[Travelinglady]

Sounds like a good idea to break up. But what does "polysexual" mean? Just wondering.....

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Sounds like a good idea to break up. But what does "polysexual" mean? Just wondering.....

Poly "Many" sexual "Love"...she dates and has sex with multiple people at once. I knew that going into the relationship, but after so long I couldn't accept that anymore and thought it'd be better to be just friends.

[splitimage]

Congratulations on having school figured out, and having a couple of job leads that will work with it. That's fantastic. I hope you really enjoy your program, once you start.

splitimage