[Doh2007]

I'm so upset. Trying to be there for my sister as she's suffering her bipolarity gets me tied in knots.

She didn't call her sons because she doesn't want them to think of her the way she thinks about our mother.

She said she puts on a different face for her T than the face for her pdoc. She thinks she has to fool them to get what she wants. Then she wants me to act like her therapist and be her best friend.

I'm having trouble with boundaries, I guess. How can I help without getting hurt myself? She seems fragile, so I let my guard down. Then she snaps back and uses my words against me.

When I'm going through the crises with her, I feel like my karma is good. Then, when I have quiet time, it all catches up with me and I feel this awful resentment.

I need a good and healthy, mature mother to talk to.

[Perna]

How about a therapist for yourself; you got one of those? They could help you smooth out the roller coaster your sister appears to have you on so it's not so scary for you?

[(JD)]

I think you're on the right path.

Let me restate what I think you're saying. While you're with her you feel you have your boundaries set ok, but afterwards you realize you didn't?

To me this means you are giving out more energy than you have; she's sucking your energy from you. That could be what you are "sensing" while you are with her, and then once you are alone you realize how drained you feel?

Set stronger boundaries. Find some key phrases you can say that allow you to show compassion but doesn't give her all your energy. Recognize key phrases or words SHE says that seem to trigger your empathy, then remember to say NO to yourself to stop that from happening.

Don't go back on your boundaries. Once you've identified them, and her triggering, promise yourself that even though you might feel fine at the time, you WILL hold to the boundary. I think you'll feel better afterwards.

Hope something here helps you.

[DePressMe]

Hi Doh, I understand your frustration. It can be extremely difficult to love and support someone who has bipolar. The most important thing to remember is to take care of yourself first! The only way you can be there for your sister is if you are healthy yourself. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist who understands bipolar would help--they might be able to give you some good coping ideas. Letting your sister manipulate you and your feelings is not helping her. Please, take care of yourself.

[Doh2007]

These are great ideas. I really appreciate all of your sharing.

A cool thing about posting my feelings and thoughts is that if seems to free me up. I can focus on other things.

I'm going to think of a phrase that I can tell myself when I'm talking to my sister. Something about boundaries and energies.

You guys are a great resource. Thanks for helping me figure stuff out.

[AnnieL]

This was a great post for me to read right now...thank you.

I am bipolar 1 , and I can tell you I am very difficult for my loved ones to deal with I think. I am away from siblings, and I rarely speak with them when I am manic. Unfortunately I do speak with my kids. I always tell myself when feeling better, that I wont call them when ill again...but it usually happens. I can be so argumentative, then very sad...and very up beat...waaaaayy to upbeat. Poor hubby gets the brunt, and for some reason, he has learned some excellent coping skills. At least that is what he tells me.

We speak often...both the kids, my husband and I when I am well. I use those times to try to learn and grow....and to attempt some amends. They are often far too kind, telling me amends arent necessary, but I come out of my manic times so ashamed, and so fearful of the next time.

[sassypants]

Isn't this strange ?? I just went through the same thing with
my sister. One thing I did not realize is, the person who has
bi-polar will still have high and low mood swings, even though they are on med's.

I feel really bad , that I had to step away, but I couldn't take
the lying, stealing, angry outburts.

I will keep both of you in my prayers.

[Doh2007]

Here I am again, trying to deal with resentment. I knew this would happen if I tried to assert my boundaries with my sister. At our little get together with Mom, my sister went after my husband and son.

I knew she was angry at me. She barely made eye contact. Then she gave my son a ride to the restaurant and sat next to my husband at the table. At least I'd prepared with him. I told him I really needed his help to get through this. So, before he sat down, he flashed me a look and I nodded.

She alluded to a secret she had with my son. The dart hits near the scar of another time. She repeated something my son had said then made a big deal about, "Oh no! I just I just spilled a big secret." Because I hadn't heard it yet.

I knew it wasn't a secret. My son doesn't do that to me. But my sister wouldn't hear that. She liked her version better.

My guilty secret is that I feel Schadenfreude toward her. I take pleasure that her son gets exasperated with her. I feel a thrill when she puts her daughter in law down. Maybe they'll see what I see.

Then, I hope that doesn't happen, because she'll be mine all mine again. The kicker is that I know if I tell her one negative thing about my feelings, it'll literally make her crazy.

So, I rescue her and I'm a hero, or I protect my boundaries and I'm the villain. Is there another alternative that I'm missing?

[Perna]

For some people I make my boundaries invisible so they don't get much feedback from me. That way it's harder to use you because they don't know if you mind or don't mind. Pushing people's buttons and having them not react can be very disconcerting I've heard, LOL. Schadenfreude is fine, since it's all in your head, no need to feel guilt for it and/or you can pay by "withholding" yourself when you'd like to explode all over her when she pushes your buttons. Invisible your buttons and she can't deliberately push them, can only "accidentally" push them when she's ill but not get any satisfaction over doing so.

[Doh2007]

I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. Usually all I'll feel is a stab of irritation. It's when I first wake up in the morning that I'm vulnerable to all kinds of feelings. Then I feel outrage.

I can deal if it's just her and me. But there's history of when I say no, she goes to my husband, whom she can manipulate, and he makes all kinds of promises, then gets mad at me when I'm distraught.

I guess I do need to talk to someone. Our marriage counselor moved, making it just hard enough to see her. I get tired just thinking about trying to see her.