Pink-clouding as a warning sign of suicide **trigger warning**

Over a decade ago, I think I felt that kind of euphoria that came before my suicide attempt. I remembered taking care of all of my affairs, and succumbing to a life that I thought was worthless. I no longer felt depressed. I felt brave enough to enter a fantasy of another life. I had a plan without telling anyone. Everyone seemed happy the way I thought I'd leave them. I gave away a bunch of stuff, I cleaned myself up, and I felt prepared to leave. I thought that I'd leave them with a "happy me" before I exited the world. I thought that if I did that, their pain would not be as much if I left the world.

Then I made the attempt.

A few days after dissociating, I came to in the emergency room. I was slated to get transported to a psychiatric facility. I think they had me drink charcoal, or maybe they did the pumping. Either way, I was alive. I had no idea that I was suffering from DID. All I knew was that my blackouts were getting worse, my daughter was best off being given up for adoption, my sled wrists were a mystery to me at the age of 30 (I had no self-injurious behavior prior to this time, and I had no idea that there was an alter named Michelle who took the rapes for me, and who was dared by a trauma group member to self-injure), and my life as I knew it was gone. I was homeless and lost everything, including my dignity. I didn't consider myself a veteran, and I never reported military sexual trauma. My entire career was over. And my baseless flashbulb nightmares were misinterpreted as psychoses, as opposed to precursors to my dissociative identity disorder.

It took years to figure out a proper diagnosis. It took many failures at psychotropic drugs for them to realize that I was getting worse.

Once I learned about DID and co-consciosness, I worked with my parts on coping skills. We used CBT only, which helped Michelle, my alter, work on her issues, and me with my shock.

I also learned how shocking it would be for everyone who would see me happy one moment - or pink-clouding - and then off myself the next. That would be traumatic for them, not to mention my daughter. I had to deal with the pain of being alive. I had to deal with the pain of having DID, a diagnosis that made sense but frightened me at first.

I realized that "Dark Angel," another alter inside, carried the feelings of suicide within. She felt hopeless for all of us, and she felt powerful in her assertions of the afterworld. We had to work with her, too. CBT and IFS treatments really helped us. We also learned how to work together to be protectors of the body, and to embrace the good things in life, no matter what came.

I, along with my depressed alters, worked together on our issues. I learned to love myself enough to say that this life is worth it, that I'm worth it, and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. I've had to make amends with safe people, and I've had to silently forgive myself for the people who weren't safe to make amends to. I've had to live with being responsible for my actions, and I've had to love all parts of me who needed healing. I learned to live again, and I'm still learning.

I vowed with myself and with my alters to never ever consider suicide as an option. There are many other options in life that are safe and healthy for us, even in the darkest of times. It took a few years, but we did it, and thankfully, we didn't need any medications to do it since our system and dissociation prevented the meds from working properly anyway. We did it all with coping skills and our gritty personalities. We knew how to persevere, but we didn't yet know how to persevere in the right way.

Nowadays, we worry about coming across other people who suffer from suicidal ideation and attempts. We worry about the warning signs of their own pink-clouding. We worry about the terrors of losing someone we cared about, or someone we grew to know over time.

Suicide comes in all shapes and sizes, so pink-clouding may only represent one sign of suicide. There may be others. I just thought it was important to mention here, since there may be others suffering with this or have known others who suffered with this.