[itsjustme111]

This might be a long one. It took me 2hours to get my son back to sleep. Is it wrong for me to say; its so frustrating sometimes. I dont blame him and I never get angry with him; but I find it hard to cope with him some days. He has many medical problems. From epilepsy, severe migranes (enough for ER visits), ADHD, speech difficulties, frequent nightmare episodes, agression (which gets better at times), school difficulties, social skills (not so good). I find it sssssooooooo frustrating at times but I do what I can to help my son. I love everything about him. I have taken parenting courses and have spoke to many different agencies and parents that go through the same thing. I follow recommendations and do my best to provide a good quality of life for him. He is amazingly bright. His IQ score was way above average for his age. He has struggled in school since the begining but wow he has come far. He has an aid to assist him everyday. This past year I was envolved with him almost everyday at school as well as his fellow classmates. His principle asked me to assist her with the special needs course that she provides the kids that are struggling. I helped at his school and did a lot of work at home. I enjoyed it very much. I worried though about all of these kids; its heartbreaking what they go through. When my mood started to slip I had to back off some because it was too much with the court issues, family issues etc. I felt guilty; like I wasnt putting enough effort into these kids. My daughter started to feel left out of the picture; she started to say things like; I want to die sometimes. I took her in to see someone and they talked to her for a few months. I began to realize that I was sinking all this time into my son and left her with a feeling of emptiness. I started making mother daughter days and it improved her self worth very much. I got caught up in helping my son that I forgot about her and what she is going through. When my kids feel sad about me and dad getting a divorce; I answer questions as best as I can; without blame; I never say anything negative about dad to them; its not fair to do that. I always tell them its not their fault. Am I doing this right with them? It was unbelievable when they recently brought up things of the past; when they were so young. One night my husbands temper blew; cant remember why. He literally threw the kitchen table at me then the chairs. He grabbed things that I held dearly to me; things given to me by my mom; things from my grandmother after she died. He broke it all. He called me every name in the book. Anyway; my daughter brought this up a few weeks ago. You know, I had no idea that they were right there. My son said, "Mom, we were upstairs, hiding behind the couch. We thought daddy was going to hurt you bad."
Why the hell did they deserve to go through that. Why did I not leave him sooner? They have held this in their little heads all this time. Its like they froze in fear. Then I end up falling apart; ended up in hospital after this incident. Lovely, leave my babies with this man. 2 months in the ward. I was released after this time spent; went home and found out my husband had a few girlfriends on the side. My mom was diagnosed with cancer. About a few weeks later; my dear sweet cousin; commited suicide. Well guess where I ended up, back in hospital for another 2 months. This girl I knew from high school was also admitted at the time. We talked a lot and became close. She was close to being discharged and I was so happy for her; get back to her gorgeous daughter. I was not to far from leaving too. 3 days after she was discharged; she killed herself and her mom found her. I cant believe that I did not see the signs. Before she left the hospital she wanted to talk to me. She told me how much she cared about me, that I never judged her for her mistakes. She said I will always be with her. She thanked me and left. What the heck was wrong with me; why did I not see it. I did not leave soon after that. I took off from the hospital and went to the nearest liqour store. I bought a whole bunch of little bottles. I then went to the drug store and bought sleeping pills. I took it all. I passed out at my old high school when the police found me. I ended up certified. All the while my kids were at home wanting and needing their mom. All the while others were suffering and wanting life. I dont remember much about when the police arrived at the school that night. An ambulance came and I guess I totally freaked out. When I came to; I had bruises on my wrists from hand cuffs. Apparently I kicked a cop and hit a nurse. I thought of my goodness; I have never hurt anyone like that before; I am not a violent person. Eventually I got better enough to half as... function and they sent me home. My marriage fell apart, my kids fell apart. And I am guilty. When does it end. When do my kids get a shot at life. When I am gone.
Jury found me guilty.....I am the jury.
itsjustme

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((itsjustme))))))))))))))))))

I wish it was more ...
Take care,
Fuzzy

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ItsMe}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry for all your pain and the awful things you've been through. It's no comfort, I know, to hear that we all make mistakes of varying degrees. In hindsight, we often wonder what we were thinking or even IF we were thinking at all.

Some of the things you listed don't sound like you had much of a choice at all. You don't have X-ray vision and you're certainly not a mind reader. Some of your mistakes, you've corrected! IMHO, I think you need some time to think about what's troubling you now and then start to sort things out. Accept the fact that you did the best you could at the time. We learn through our mistakes. You know a lot more now than you did when these things happened. You are a better, stronger person now!

We aren't born wise! We aren't born knowing the things that we need to know! Life teaches us these things! It's when we realize that we could have done better that we learn for the next time that we're presented with the same problems.

Your kids watching you straighten up your life, make up for when you weren't aware that you were neglecting your daughter, getting rid of an abusive husband is a lesson in life for your kids as well as for you!

You're on top of your kids needs and when you see a problem you can't handle, you get help. What more can you ask of yourself? Perfection? Not a chance! None of us are born that way, Sweety.

To tell you the truth, what stands out to me the most is that you need to work on forgiving yourself for what you feel were mistakes and most of all, pat yourself on the back, be proud of yourself for what you did right!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[dexter]

itsjustme...

You have chosen a bad metaphor. You are judging yourself for perceived "crimes" that are in your past. You are holding your feelings as evidence.

Life is not a trial. It is a journey. Our success is not measured in the number of mistakes we have made, but in how we move forward from those mistakes, and what changes we apply to our lives in response.

In some cases you are submitting your feelings as evidence. Even in a real trial, feelings are not evidence, cause, or defense. It is our actions as a result of those feelings that is important. Case in point, feeling frustrated concerning your son. Of course it is frustrating sometimes! You love him and want him to live a full life, and you are limited in what you can do to achieve that end, and that is frustrating. Sometimes I am sure the frustration exists on its own just from impatience. You cannot control that! You cannot control your feelings, they just are! What is important is what you do with those feelings!

Look at all the sad cases of people who hurt their children out of anger or frustration. They neglect them, hurt them, abuse them. In contrast look at your actions. You watch your temper and be careful what you say to him. You talk about it here to release some of the frustration in a safe environment that will help you without hurting him. You take parenting courses. You are working on getting counselling. Sometimes that may even mean giving yourself a break from the frustration so that you can better deal with it when you are caring for him. Not all of this may be successful all at once, the important thing is that you are seeking and working on solutions.

Here is a quote about courage that I believe fits equally well with frustration:
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave. ~Mark Twain

Good parenting is about dealing with frustration, not eliminating it (or hiding from it).

Likewise what SeptemberMorn said about your daughter... you made a mistake, and your heroism was in recognizing that and correcting it. I think having "mother/daughter days" was an incredible idea. Too many parents in this world would have never even recognized the problem, or seen it and thought it wasn't worth dealing with in the shadow of other tasks they faced. Yours was an incredible victory there!

I could go on about the other things you mention. Your friend from the hospital? It is always easy to predict the future once it has retreated into the past. 20/20 hindsight. She was obviously trying to hide it, she hid it from the hospital professionals, this was her action and her decision. In the end it had nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself for it! Punishing yourself for not seeing something you couldn't see is like saying the reason you lost your car keys is because you couldn't remember where you put them. And it sure is easy enough to remember where you had put them the moment after you find them! D'oh!

There have been mistakes, we all have mistakes in our past. The crime is not remembering them, hiding them, and commiting them again with no desire or attempt to stop. You have done none of those things, in fact quite the opposite. Continuing the work on making yourself better will be the greatest gift and the greatest success you can give to your children.

It is likely that it may be hard to realize some of this, because of depression! No matter what we say, no matter what the "truth" is, your depression will always make you pick the most negative aspects from any thoughts despite knowledge to the contrary. Try to remember that, and at times it may just take faith to believe that things are not as bad as they seem they are.

One final quote:
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

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--http://www.idexter.com

[SunshineGold03]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ItsMe}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[SS8282]

((((((((((((((Just))))))))))))) I'm sorry all this happened to you. Your kids know you're trying, especially when they're older and 'know' more. The only thing you're guilty for is loving your family, your friends - and that is something everyone should be guilty of. By helping at your son's school and making time for your daughter shows what a wonderful mom you are. Kudos for you!!!!!!!!!!

Please take care - and don't give up.

[itsjustme111]

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much. I know u are right. I just have to keep that in my head. These quotes and loving words mean so very much to me. It helped release some of these tears I have been shoving down. Love you all.
itsjustme.

HHHEEEEYYY; my little girl is back. Hurray.