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Old Apr 17, 2020, 04:23 PM
Sad Baphomet Sad Baphomet is offline
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Location: USA
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Hello,

I don't really even know where to start, there's just so much and I constantly feel overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do about any of it.

I've dealt with severe depression since I was 13, but I've never been diagnosed with depression or anything else. I'm 27 now and I've not gotten anywhere.

It's not JUST depression. There's too many insecurities and paranoia to even list here. Anxiety... I'm so anxious right from the time I wake up that I have to immediately have diarrhea. I went to the family doctor, they told me if it was anxiety, it wouldn't happen EVERY day... I tried to explain that I get anxious just waking up and knowing I have to live another day. They pretty much sent me home with a "you're probably allergic to milk, try to go a month without it".

If it's not obvious from my attitude toward the situation, a month without milk products changed NOTHING.

The doctor has given me Busaprone for stress, Celexia for depression, and I noticed no difference, even after multiple months and the doctor raising the dosage multiple times.

Literally the only thing that's keeping me going is hope that tomorrow will be better. I don't know how or why I even have any hope left, not once have I gone to bed in the past 15 years and said 'at least today was better than yesterday'. It's like each day got progressively worse as a teenager to the point where every day is just the worst it could possibly be as an adult.

There's been days I don't even get out of bed. I just lay there all day and all night until I fall back to sleep and

There's times where my anxiety almost makes life un-livable. One day I went to my only friends house to fix his computer for him. I was there from 10am until midnight and didn't use the bathroom once. It doesn't even make sense, I've used his bathroom before, we'd been friends for over 3 years at that point, there was literally no reason for me to feel anxious about getting up and going to the bathroom.. But instead I kept playing over n over n over in my head 'hey I gotta piss' and getting up and walking to the bathroom.. Except it just never happened, I just kept thinking about it and when would be a good time to do it and it just never happened, and my bladder was in SEVERE pain for a week after that!

I don't like being around other people... It took me a very long time to warm up to that one friend I have. And I visit him every week (not currently obviously because of covid19) just the one time and only for a few hours and it's always EXHAUSTING. There's nothing wrong with him, he doesn't drain me or anything specific, just being in the presence of another human is what drains me, not him or anything like that.

My mom tells me all the time that I need to get a job. I've already been arrested for child support once, grandparents paid the backed off to keep me out of prison and mom's been paying it monthly ever since (so age 21-present). So I get why she wants me to get a job, I understand it perfectly, I'd feel the same way in her shoes, that's 200/month that she shouldn't HAVE to give up, especially when it's already difficult to pay all the bills and take care of a 27 year old child, as well as a 20 year old child..

I finally got a job, it stopped me from beating myself up for not having one and mom paying for my child support, but it's brought up a whole new slew of problems... I'll be lucky to make enough to pay child support every month. The work itself is fine, once it starts... But all day long I'm anxious and looking at the clock, counting how much time I have left, freaking out that I don't have enough time. By the time work starts, I'm already a mess, and now thanks to the anxiety about how much time I have left before work, work is actually the most peaceful time of my day! People calling my phone and screaming at me, accusing me of being a democrat, accusing me of loving hitler.... And THAT is the most peace I get day to day now. The rest of the day I'm just a tense ball of stress and anxiety and self-hatred.

I'm paranoid about everything. When I'm at that friends house and I think something weird I have to look at his face to make sure he's not reading my mind... 27 years old and I'm still scared that people around me know what I'm thinking. Anytime I buy stuff I have to count the money 3 times, double check that all the groceries are in the bags because I'm so paranoid that everyone's trying to **** me over. And I'm aware enough to chalk it up to being paranoid and dumb, but not able to stop myself from doing it.

Pre-teens I'm pretty sure I was 'normal'. As a teenager I even considered myself normal; not 'normal normal', I was a goth teen, but as far as what I was feeling, I thought it was normal. I thought 'this is just being a teenager. Hormones. I'll feel better when I get older' but that just never happened.

I guess you'd call me a survivor of an abusive relationship. I never considered myself that until a year or 2 ago. I knew it was toxic, I just considered it a ******, toxic relationship. I was never scared of her, I always fought back, so to me that doesn't sound like l was 'abused' but with the way the world's changing I think it fits that description now.

Possible trigger:


I tried to stay because I wanted to be there for my kid because I haven't seen my dad since I was 3. I didn't want my kid to feel the way I feel. But there was a point where I knew I had to leave, because if I didn't I was going to snap and end up murdering her.

After my daughter was born and blood test was done to make sure she was mine, I was invited over to see her. When I got there, cops were waiting, she had called the cops and told them I called her
Possible trigger:
Only thing that saved me from being arrested and charged with who-knows-what is that I still had the text messages asking me to come over and see my daughter. Cop specifically told me stay away, even after telling him that was my child in there, he said I'm obviously not welcome so just stay away.

If I'm not allowed to see my kid, I'm not going to give her child support to spend on booze and ****... Until about a week after my 21st birthday, at 5k backed, they charged me with felony non-support and my grandparents had to pay the 5k off to avoid me going to prison for 7 years, and my mom's paid it since, the one or two times she's forgot and paid it late, I received a letter threatening to press charges again.

Relationship wise, I've only ever had 1 girlfriend that didn't either cheat on me or cause me serious bodily harm. A girl I dated when I was 15
Possible trigger:


The one good girl I had actually made me happy. The longer we were together, the less she 'fixed' me. When we first met, it was like magic and I was just happy ALL the time and it was the first time I'd experienced that since before I was 13. But as time went on, the depression seeped back in and after a couple of years, it was back to how it had been before we met. There were still splotches of happiness here and there that hadn't existed before, but the majority was feeling exactly how I had before I met her.

And then I got that felony non-support charge. And the stress built up. Like I said, I was looking at 7 years in prison. It was VERY stressful. I was at the time self-medicating with pot. And I had to stop, because even after that 5k was paid off, I had 2.5 years of probation where I was not allowed to drink, not allowed to smoke pot, and if I was caught doing any of that or breaking any other law, my probation would be provoked and I'd go to prison for 7 years.

And it was all more than I could handle... I found myself being like my daughter's mom in a way... I was starting arguments for no reason except to fight.. Every day we argued. I was emotionally abusive, I'd get mad and call her names. And she dealt with it for an ENTIRE YEAR before she left me. I was arrested a week after my 21st birthday, she left me a week before my 22nd birthday. I haven't dated since. I hate myself for the way I treated her that last year. I'm scared to death if I dated again that I'll do the same to them. And after all this time, I'm also scared that I'm too selfish now, I enjoy my alone time too much... It's hard to give up 3-4 hours/week to my best and only friend... I can't even imagine how much time I'd have to give up for a girlfriend. I'm honestly just not even interested in it anymore... Sometimes I'll start feeling lonely, but it usually only lasts a day until I start thinking about how much I'd have to give up to include another person in my day to day life and that pretty well stops the feeling of lonliness.

But I do still love her to this day. There's 2 things I think of every day the moment I open my eyes. It's not really even a thought, it just comes naturally the moment my mind wakes up from sleep I just know these 2 things.
1. I'll never see my grandfather again.
2. I'll never see her again.

And every 'best friend' I've ever had, aside from the only friend I have now, has ****ed me over. When I was younger I had a lot of friends, and it eventually grinded down to just 1 friend at a time, because everyone I've ever called a friend has ****ed me over. I've been jumped because my 'friend' was better friends with someone who didn't like me. I've had 'friends' steal things out of my room when I'm not looking. And eventually, it got to where I only had a single friend left... And then when he ****ed me over, I'd only look for 1 more. The last 'best friend' I had before my current one...
Possible trigger:


I tried to get help in the past... As I mentioned going to the family doctor and getting depression and stress pills that didn't work, but I also tried to see a psychiatrist. There's only 1 mental health place around here, they do a sliding scale pay, and since at the time I didn't have a job, it came out to $30 per appointment. In order to remain a patient there, I had to visit at least twice per month... I wouldn't even be able to afford the 30/month let alone 60/month. And that's not even the kicker... That's the price for a THERAPIST, not a PSYCHIATRIST. I had to see a therapist because the psychiatrists were not taking any new patients. The therapist told me straight forward she didn't think therapy would be enough, my problem isn't problem-solving or dealing with my issues, the problem is that I still feel this way, even when there isn't a problem. So we only met once. 30 bucks wasted.

Even now with the job I have, I'm barely going to be able to afford child support, let alone a psychiatrist. I can't get on disability because I'm not diagnosed with anything. I went to the family welfare department and explained I need help paying the bills in order to get diagnosed, they told me no diagnosis, no help. So it's like I don't even have anywhere to turn to get better, it's like I don't have a choice. I feel like my only option is to feel worse and worse until I eventually feel so bad that I can't go on anymore and I end it.

Currently, what I want to do with my life is sit here and wait to die. I don't WANT anything more than that... I want everyone to just leave me alone, let me sit in this dark room alone and maybe come check and see if I'm still alive once a month. That is currently the best I could hope for. It even sounds inviting if I'm going to be honest.

Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 17, 2020 at 08:19 PM. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger codes. Edits to bring within Community Guidelines.
Hugs from:
*Beth*

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  #2  
Old Apr 18, 2020, 04:54 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Welcome @Sad Baphomet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Baphomet View Post
I'm so anxious right from the time I wake up that I have to immediately have diarrhea. I went to the family doctor, they told me if it was anxiety, it wouldn't happen EVERY day... I tried to explain that I get anxious just waking up and knowing I have to live another day.
Beyond the medications you mentioned have you ever been prescribed something specifically for anxiety? Even a benzo? There are also non-benzo meds like vistaril.
Quote:
My mom tells me all the time that I need to get a job. I've already been arrested for child support once, grandparents paid the backed off to keep me out of prison and mom's been paying it monthly ever since (so age 21-present). So I get why she wants me to get a job, I understand it perfectly, I'd feel the same way in her shoes, that's 200/month that she shouldn't HAVE to give up, especially when it's already difficult to pay all the bills and take care of a 27 year old child, as well as a 20 year old child..
A 27 and 20 year old is not a child. How long had you been without a job and not paying before your current job?
Quote:
People calling my phone and screaming at me, accusing me of being a democrat, accusing me of loving hitler.... And THAT is the most peace I get day to day now. The rest of the day I'm just a tense ball of stress and anxiety and self-hatred.
What do you mean by this? Are you saying this happens at work? What is the context?
Quote:
If I'm not allowed to see my kid, I'm not going to give her child support to spend on booze and ****... Until about a week after my 21st birthday, at 5k backed, they charged me with felony non-support and my grandparents had to pay the 5k off to avoid me going to prison for 7 years, and my mom's paid it since, the one or two times she's forgot and paid it late, I received a letter threatening to press charges again.
How long did you go without paying child support? Did you go back to court and tell them your income changed to get it reduced?
Quote:
And then I got that felony non-support charge. And the stress built up. Like I said, I was looking at 7 years in prison. It was VERY stressful. I was at the time self-medicating with pot. And I had to stop, because even after that 5k was paid off, I had 2.5 years of probation where I was not allowed to drink, not allowed to smoke pot, and if I was caught doing any of that or breaking any other law, my probation would be provoked and I'd go to prison for 7 years.
I can see how she might be upset if you had money for pot but not for child support.

Quote:
And after all this time, I'm also scared that I'm too selfish now, I enjoy my alone time too much... It's hard to give up 3-4 hours/week to my best and only friend... I can't even imagine how much time I'd have to give up for a girlfriend. I'm honestly just not even interested in it anymore... Sometimes I'll start feeling lonely, but it usually only lasts a day until I start thinking about how much I'd have to give up to include another person in my day to day life and that pretty well stops the feeling of lonliness.
But what about your child?

Quote:
Even now with the job I have, I'm barely going to be able to afford child support, let alone a psychiatrist. I can't get on disability because I'm not diagnosed with anything. I went to the family welfare department and explained I need help paying the bills in order to get diagnosed, they told me no diagnosis, no help. So it's like I don't even have anywhere to turn to get better, it's like I don't have a choice. I feel like my only option is to feel worse and worse until I eventually feel so bad that I can't go on anymore and I end it.
How long have you been working now? Are you saying you are trying to get on disability but cant afford the medical care and mental health treatment that would make you eligible? What kind of diagnosis do you think you need?
How does your child play into all of this?
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Thanks for this!
*Beth*
  #3  
Old Apr 18, 2020, 07:29 AM
*Beth* *Beth* is offline
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I'm sorry you're so depressed and anxious.

Please believe me: you need better psychiatric help than you're getting. The correct meds, for one thing.
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  #4  
Old Apr 18, 2020, 11:31 AM
Sad Baphomet Sad Baphomet is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

Beyond the medications you mentioned have you ever been prescribed something specifically for anxiety? Even a benzo? There are also non-benzo meds like vistaril.
No. I've never been properly diagnosed with anything and when the doctor gave me celexa and busaprone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
A 27 and 20 year old is not a child. How long had you been without a job and not paying before your current job?
Trust me, we're both children. Up until last year my mom still cleaned my brother's room, because he refuses to and she didn't want the house condemned. But after she found about 3 lbs of maggots, she quit doing it for him. I'm glad to say I have a little more maturity than that, I can clean after myself, but I still rely on a parent to survive.

This is my first job since I was 22. I worked at a factory for 4 weeks. It's hard to hold a 'real' job when I can't even get out of bed some days.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
What do you mean by this? Are you saying this happens at work? What is the context?
I work at a virtual call center. On Day 2, some lady called in and just went on a rant about how AARP is in the democrats pocket and screaming at me when I tried to explain I don't work at AARP, it's just a phone number to get free information about them. There's been a couple similar incidents, but that's the one that stands out the most.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
How long did you go without paying child support? Did you go back to court and tell them your income changed to get it reduced?
I can see how she might be upset if you had money for pot but not for child support.
18-21 before I got arrested, and she's paid it from 21-27. They say unemployed, the minimum is 200/month. I'm barely making 200/month as it is, in fact this month I'm going to be short for sure... I'm sure as hell not going to go tell them I'm making money now so they can charge me MORE than the minimum. I'm struggling enough as it is.

Pot's about the only thing keeping me alive right now. She's not upset about paying the child support, I'M upset about her paying it... She just tries to encourage me to get a job because she knows I'm not going to be able to take care of myself when she's gone and she's absolutely right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
But what about your child?
My child lives in a different state. Both states are charging me child support for the same child (only way I figure up that's possible is if she's illegally getting welfare from both states). When I was in court for felony non-support, I asked them which state to pay, the prosecutor asked me which state is going to put me in prison... So now I pay Missouri, but I can never go to Kansas because I have an active warrant there for felony non-support.

I call Kansas, I explain to them I'm NOT paying both for the same child. They say they'll have to call Missouri Child support and get back to me... I get a call back after 2-3 days saying they've removed my child support because I've been paying Missouri. 1-2 months later I start getting child support bills from Kansas AGAIN!!

I've only seen my kid once.. What do you want me to say? She waited until she moved to Kansas to do a custody hearing so she knew I wouldn't be able to be there, and since I missed my own custody hearing, later when they took the baby away from her, they didn't even tell me. They put my own kid in a foster home for 3 months and I had to find out from a random person on the street asking if I knew Kelly lost our kid... Yeah, I'd like to be in my kid's life... But I think it might be too late for that. Pretty sure she doesn't even know I exist. And I can't afford the lawyer anyway, so what's the point in even thinking about it? It just makes me feel that much worse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
How long have you been working now? Are you saying you are trying to get on disability but cant afford the medical care and mental health treatment that would make you eligible? What kind of diagnosis do you think you need?
How does your child play into all of this?
I've been hired for 70 todays as of yesterday. I couldn't start work, would throw back a fatal error. Service desk escalated me to emailing a developer for the app, sometimes the dev would take 2 weeks to reply to a single email... Took 8 weeks to get it fixed. This was my first week working, and last night when it gave me an error trying to log in I just said **** it and didn't even call to tell them why I wasn't logged in for work...

I don't know.. I don't WANT to be on anything specific, I just want to feel better... If I NEED disability, sure... But I think if I could just get on some kinda meds to make me feel 'normal' I'd be able to handle a job better and not need it... But I really don't know... The only place within 40 miles wants me to go every week and with sliding scale pay it's 30 PER WEEK. $120/month... And if I can't pay, **** me. It's not one of the kinda places that care about patients... It's the kinda place where you pay up front or you leave.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
I'm sorry you're so depressed and anxious.

Please believe me: you need better psychiatric help than you're getting. The correct meds, for one thing.
I'm aware... But all I can afford right now is cheap, ****** pot and no psychiatric help. That's why I'm posting here... What can I do? Is there a place that can diagnose me and prescribe me something to help without charging me 30+ dollars per week? I've got maybe 10-20 bucks left over PER MONTH after paying child support if I work every day... Considering some days I don't get out of bed at all, I doubt I'll manage to fully pay child support every month, let alone 120/month for help.



If ANY of that sounds rude to either of you, I'm not trying to be... I only just woke up so I'm not trying to be pissy, but I may have sounded like it.
  #5  
Old Apr 18, 2020, 02:24 PM
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 23,223
You need a proper diagnosis made by professional psychiatrist, then you need meds properly adjusted and you need mental health treatment which at a basic minimum should be regular therapy. You do need a job. Clearly phone calls center isn’t a good job for you as it upsets you.
  #6  
Old Apr 18, 2020, 03:13 PM
Sad Baphomet Sad Baphomet is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2020
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You need a proper diagnosis made by professional psychiatrist, then you need meds properly adjusted and you need mental health treatment which at a basic minimum should be regular therapy. You do need a job. Clearly phone calls center isn’t a good job for you as it upsets you.
That's the issue. I need all that but I can't afford it.

No, anything where I have to interact with other people is NOT a good job for me... However, it's better for me than anything around here that I know of. I mean I'm not supposed to, but if it ever gets too much, I can just hangup on a caller... If I'm working at the liquor store I can't just hangup, I gotta keep listening them scream at me.

I can't handle a 9-5. At least not currently. The reason I went with phone call center is that I won't get fired if I need to stay in bed for a couple days. If I had a 'real' job, 1 bad day and I wouldn't have a job anymore.
  #7  
Old Apr 18, 2020, 06:58 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 23,223
You need a diagnosis. You might have to be in disability if you are unable to work
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