[KD1980]

This is a kind of tricky thing to navigate and talk about. I'm just asking for kindness and understanding. I know I will sound very prejudiced.

This is hard for me because I know it could open up a can of worms, but I don't know where else I can discuss this. If the admins think it's best to delete this, I understand.

I was abused very badly by both sides of my family. I grew up being beaten with hangers and belts. My biological father would try to teach me math, and if I gave the wrong answer or didn't know the answer, he would beat me. He said he got the idea from the country he grew up in. When he was in school his teachers would beat the kids for not getting their work done. When I got older, he'd complain about U.S. child abuse laws and say, "if we were living in [country] I'd be beating you every day" . It's considered a parent's right to abuse their kids where he comes from. My maternal grandmother is very toxic and I grew up hating her. I once watched her attack her grown daughter. I was 10 at the time.

At first, I thought it was just my family. Maybe I was being unfair. But I experienced a lot of cruelty and abuse from others who are of the same culture. It reinforced my bias. I was looking up articles recently, and I found a UN study that reveals 50% of women from my parents ' country are abused at some point.

I don't want to say exactly where my family is from, but there is an issue there of serious crimes and little money to hire more police, so domestic violence is often brushed away as a minor problem. This exacerbates the abuse people experience.

My family watched us get abused and protected the abuser because, as my grandmother said, "he was your father, he could do what he wanted with you." I still hate her for this. The last time he hit me, I was 24.

I do blame the culture a lot for what I went through. I hate the culture, and sometimes I hate the people. I know it's not a nice thing to say. I know that abuse happens everywhere, but I feel like if I was born into a different family, it would have been better for me. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you cope with it?

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I know about all of this forgiveness stuff one always reads & hears about. But, personally, I don't think there's any reason why a person would not hate someone or something (such as a culture) that heaped abuse on the person. Personally I still hate all of the people who were involved in the abuse I struggled through (including all of those who stood by & watched or in some cases even blamed me for it.)

Yes, I suppose there is a point where the hatred can become so toxic it interferes with one's life. And in such a case perhaps it's best to try to work through it, perhaps with the help of a mental health professional. But beyond that I would say how you feel about what was done to you, & the culture from which it arose, makes perfect sense to me.

[unaluna]

As an adult, you can make a decision about where you want to live. About how you want to live. My parents once told me that in the old country, they could or would have killed me for my behavior and nobody would have minded. But in America, they would have been sent to jail, so they didnt. I spent a long long time in therapy. But i think therapists nowadays are more aware of this cultural difference and less apt to minimize it, as mine did. My fear was real, and no one ever helped me deal with it, and it had a bad effect on my life.

[MsLady]

I think how you presented your story was very tactful and respectful considering the abuse you endured. It takes a strong person to admit all this while still practicing mindfulness, as to not potentially offend anyone here.. and perhaps, remain loyal to your roots, despite it.

I have a bittersweet relationship with my half culture. I learned to focus on it's strengths and beauty because it allows me to find some inner peace. It was a difficult process and my story is very much different than yours.

I don't have advice and maybe I have no reason to reply to your post. I just really liked how well spoken and sensitive you were with sharing this.

Stay strong!

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I think how you presented your story was very tactful and respectful considering the abuse you endured. It takes a strong person to admit all this while still practicing mindfulness, as to not potentially offend anyone here.. and perhaps, remain loyal to your roots, despite it.

I have a bittersweet relationship with my half culture. I learned to focus on it's strengths and beauty because it allows me to find some inner peace. It was a difficult process and my story is very much different than yours.

I don't have advice and maybe I have no reason to reply to your post. I just really liked how well spoken and sensitive you were with sharing this.

Stay strong!

Thank you for acknowledging my efforts! Yes, I tried hard to be reasonable and not overreact. I had such a triggering day when I wrote that. Despite my trauma, I was trying to explain my perspective rationally while not downplaying the seriousness of this topic. Thank you for witnessing.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I know about all of this forgiveness stuff one always reads & hears about. But, personally, I don't think there's any reason why a person would not hate someone or something (such as a culture) that heaped abuse on the person. Personally I still hate all of the people who were involved in the abuse I struggled through (including all of those who stood by & watched or in some cases even blamed me for it.)

Yes, I suppose there is a point where the hatred can become so toxic it interferes with one's life. And in such a case perhaps it's best to try to work through it, perhaps with the help of a mental health professional. But beyond that I would say how you feel about what was done to you, & the culture from which it arose, makes perfect sense to me.

Thank you, this is very affirming. You always say very helpful things.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by unaluna

As an adult, you can make a decision about where you want to live. About how you want to live. My parents once told me that in the old country, they could or would have killed me for my behavior and nobody would have minded. But in America, they would have been sent to jail, so they didnt. I spent a long long time in therapy. But i think therapists nowadays are more aware of this cultural difference and less apt to minimize it, as mine did. My fear was real, and no one ever helped me deal with it, and it had a bad effect on my life.

I'm so sorry your parents told you that. That is horrible. I also think some therapists are more open to understanding these differences and not judging them. My therapist, when I saw her, was very respectful and thoughtful about cultural values. She didn't condemn or judge in session, which I was grateful for.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by KD1980

Thank you for acknowledging my efforts! Yes, I tried hard to be reasonable and not overreact. I had such a triggering day when I wrote that. Despite my trauma, I was trying to explain my perspective rationally while not downplaying the seriousness of this topic. Thank you for witnessing.

Well you definitely succeeded because I, personally, was not at all offended by your post.

[alwaysworrying]

you have every right to. but imo that will only create more tension and conflict in yourself because those are your roots so you attach yourself with them in some way. the way i see it is that those people are very close minded and sold to their culture. i don't hate them but i don't support their acts either.

my parents also used to beat me up whenever i do something bad when i was a child. i used to fear them really hard but that isn't the reason why i dislike them now. when i was a child they were both working outside. so they would drop me on their neighbors house where i was bullied and sexually assaulted a lot of time by the neighbors family. they made me feel inferior and destroyed my self esteem that i struggle with till today. i was so full of fears that i didn't know what to do. after spending 4 years at that area we eventually moved away really far. since they were working and when they come home my father just watches the tv and my mom cooks. i was neglected by them big time. they never talk to me or spend time with me. and when i do something bad they would beat me up.

fast forward after years of mental struggle from past experiences i searched the internet for some help and i found it. i think i would never have this solid mental state if i were to not get it outside of my culture. and i do feel for everyone out there in my culture who are struggling like i did but don't know what to do.

we have a little sister that i'm trying to take care of her and not let her suffer like i did. when i talked to my mom why aren't you taking care of her and spending time with her, she told me that she should know better!. i couldn't believe how my mom is that ignorant. how can she expect the child to know what to do? i don't want my little sister to grow up in their culture and mentality which i'm trying to get her out of.

just remembering those old days where i was neglected and abused and how it affected my mentality going onward makes me want to commit suicide and hope that can reset my life to a better one where i could not have suffered or made other people suffer with me. but i realized that the only thing i can do is help other people to not experience what i did and help other people who already suffered to have a better life far away than the one they've experienced earlier.

i'm sorry if i was too vulgar in what i've said. i do feel you and you have every right to, but i think the only thing we can do is try to change that culture or atleast not let our future children be raised in one.

[ARaven0137]

Thank you for sharing that. It was heartwrenching and inspirational at the same time. You have my respect for having endured, survived and come out stronger and self aware. I am fairly well traveled through work and I have seen some horrifying things around the world that are just accepted as culturally correct. I couldn't say anything since I was a guest, but the disturbing images stay with me. Having been raised in the average, sheltered American home, it was shocking to me that certain cultural values existed in the modern era. But, I am still appalled by the sexism and racism that exist in America today too.

You seem strong and wise and my blessings to you. Keep well.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by alwaysworrying

you have every right to. but imo that will only create more tension and conflict in yourself because those are your roots so you attach yourself with them in some way. the way i see it is that those people are very close minded and sold to their culture. i don't hate them but i don't support their acts either.

my parents also used to beat me up whenever i do something bad when i was a child. i used to fear them really hard but that isn't the reason why i dislike them now. when i was a child they were both working outside. so they would drop me on their neighbors house where i was bullied and sexually assaulted a lot of time by the neighbors family. they made me feel inferior and destroyed my self esteem that i struggle with till today. i was so full of fears that i didn't know what to do. after spending 4 years at that area we eventually moved away really far. since they were working and when they come home my father just watches the tv and my mom cooks. i was neglected by them big time. they never talk to me or spend time with me. and when i do something bad they would beat me up.

fast forward after years of mental struggle from past experiences i searched the internet for some help and i found it. i think i would never have this solid mental state if i were to not get it outside of my culture. and i do feel for everyone out there in my culture who are struggling like i did but don't know what to do.

we have a little sister that i'm trying to take care of her and not let her suffer like i did. when i talked to my mom why aren't you taking care of her and spending time with her, she told me that she should know better!. i couldn't believe how my mom is that ignorant. how can she expect the child to know what to do? i don't want my little sister to grow up in their culture and mentality which i'm trying to get her out of.

just remembering those old days where i was neglected and abused and how it affected my mentality going onward makes me want to commit suicide and hope that can reset my life to a better one where i could not have suffered or made other people suffer with me. but i realized that the only thing i can do is help other people to not experience what i did and help other people who already suffered to have a better life far away than the one they've experienced earlier.

i'm sorry if i was too vulgar in what i've said. i do feel you and you have every right to, but i think the only thing we can do is try to change that culture or atleast not let our future children be raised in one.

I suppose I don't feel much tension or conflict about this. I understand why you would see it that way. It feels like a relief to admit these feelings out loud.

I'm really sorry your parents treated you so badly. I'm proud of you for protecting your sister and doing the right thing. You should be proud of yourself too.

Where I am, a local organization has started up to help women and children from my culture escape abusive situations, but it's going to take a lot more time to change things.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by ARaven0137

Thank you for sharing that. It was heartwrenching and inspirational at the same time. You have my respect for having endured, survived and come out stronger and self aware. I am fairly well traveled through work and I have seen some horrifying things around the world that are just accepted as culturally correct. I couldn't say anything since I was a guest, but the disturbing images stay with me. Having been raised in the average, sheltered American home, it was shocking to me that certain cultural values existed in the modern era. But, I am still appalled by the sexism and racism that exist in America today too.

You seem strong and wise and my blessings to you. Keep well.

Thank you for being respectful and seeing me. I think I am self aware and people have told me I'm wise. I appreciate the approach you've taken in explaining your point of view. Many Americans are very prejudiced about the rest of the world, and I'm glad that you didn't go down that path and are being fair about how flawed America is too.

[pachyderm]

There's a lot of damaging culture in this country too. I think you have only to look around you to see it.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

There's a lot of damaging culture in this country too. I think you have only to look around you to see it.

I totally agree. Thank you for being honest about it.

[*Beth*]

When I was growing up my mother was married to a man from a culture that was very different from anything I was used to.

Possible trigger:

He beat my mother badly and frequently, beat and molested me. He had very odd habits; my therapist called him an "exhibitionist". And he did some very terrible other things. A violent, seriously disturbed man.

When I tried to tell my mother about some of the things her husband was doing to me, she passed it off by telling me that such behavior was normal for his culture. She said those things were his way of showing love.

Culture is no excuse to harm any other being. So sick.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by KD1980

This is a kind of tricky thing to navigate and talk about. I'm just asking for kindness and understanding. I know I will sound very prejudiced.

This is hard for me because I know it could open up a can of worms, but I don't know where else I can discuss this. If the admins think it's best to delete this, I understand.

I was abused very badly by both sides of my family. I grew up being beaten with hangers and belts. My biological father would try to teach me math, and if I gave the wrong answer or didn't know the answer, he would beat me. He said he got the idea from the country he grew up in. When he was in school his teachers would beat the kids for not getting their work done. When I got older, he'd complain about U.S. child abuse laws and say, "if we were living in [country] I'd be beating you every day" . It's considered a parent's right to abuse their kids where he comes from. My maternal grandmother is very toxic and I grew up hating her. I once watched her attack her grown daughter. I was 10 at the time.

At first, I thought it was just my family. Maybe I was being unfair. But I experienced a lot of cruelty and abuse from others who are of the same culture. It reinforced my bias. I was looking up articles recently, and I found a UN study that reveals 50% of women from my parents ' country are abused at some point.

I don't want to say exactly where my family is from, but there is an issue there of serious crimes and little money to hire more police, so domestic violence is often brushed away as a minor problem. This exacerbates the abuse people experience.

My family watched us get abused and protected the abuser because, as my grandmother said, "he was your father, he could do what he wanted with you." I still hate her for this. The last time he hit me, I was 24.

I do blame the culture a lot for what I went through. I hate the culture, and sometimes I hate the people. I know it's not a nice thing to say. I know that abuse happens everywhere, but I feel like if I was born into a different family, it would have been better for me. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you cope with it?

I'm sorry to read what you have gone through. You didn't deserve that. I've been abused twice because of differing culture. One person treated me like absolute trash and called me every filthy name in the book, in keeping with her membership in a hate group; and the other abused me by attempting to force me to listen to her criticism of the entire race to which I belong -- she actually brought up "my culture". I stopped her at that point and told her "all that crap you just said about 'my culture'? I have no culture. I don't recognize anything of what you just said. Your prejudices have nothing to do with my reality. Maybe knowing that will help you understand my background and how I live my life." Then I ratted her out to her boss, cause I'd tried all the polite ways to stem her abuse, including asking her directly to stop and telling her in simple, unmistakeable terms that what she was saying and doing was wrong and hurtful to me.

[KD1980]

Originally Posted by BethRags

When I was growing up my mother was married to a man from a culture that was very different from anything I was used to.

When I tried to tell my mother about some of the things her husband was doing to me, she passed it off by telling me that such behavior was normal for his culture. She said those things were his way of showing love.

Culture is no excuse to harm any other being. So sick.

Wow, that's a horrible response from your mother. It sounds like an excuse, because of course, anyone would know that's not love. I'm so sorry, Beth.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by KD1980

Wow, that's a horrible response from your mother. It sounds like an excuse, because of course, anyone would know that's not love. I'm so sorry, Beth.

Thank you, KD. Both my mom and her husband were seriously mentally disturbed people. Strangely, I don't hold much anger toward them. I feel that all three of us were victims of their mental illnesses.