lost/going through motions

I'm not sure on where this really fits as it crosses so many different areas so I thought I would post here. Lately I have been so lost. I'm just going through the motions of everyday life. No joy, but feel the sadness, grief (I've had a great deal of losses in the last 5 years and never really allow myself to grieve), loneliness but don't really want any body around yet I do, hatred towards myself, my life, and sometimes others, hate my marriage but yet don't want him to leave, I love my son but I hate to have to do things like cooking (yet I used to love cooking) being interrupted, hate not being able to be alone ( I know alone, with someone, can't make up my mind), love my dog and want to walk but just not when it needs to be done.....I know it's all confusing yet it feels like it's all connected as I'm sure it is somehow.

Somedays I like my job yet hate my job and the people I work with. They don't really respect me as a person in any way shape or form. I go in and put on a happy face and make it look pretty but really, I don't care for them as people. they have really taken the job I applied for out from under me and I don't feel I am doing the work that I really can do. They are holding me back when I could do so much more at work but they won't let me anymore.

I know time to move on from my job. Follow the money is what they say right...well I am paid decently, not enough for what I am educated to do but then again they took the job I was hired for away and now I'm just ****.

I just want to run away for awhile and not have any responsibility. Anyone get that? In my head I hear myself saying but my son, I can't leave him with his dad. He needs me. He is what keeps me here and going each day.

I just realized how much I put out there. I usually don't do that anymore but here goes nothing.

Hi @notmeinreallife - I am glad you are part of the community here. We need people that are willing to share and care. That is a marvelous trait of yours.

You sound like you are facing a tough struggle. We are here for you. This seems like whatever is affecting you is touching all areas of your life. I cannot diagnose it but it does seem like it is disrupting the normal joyful life you are used to.

Have you considered getting professional help to clear any confusion and bring clarity to what you are doing well?

I think you are incredible to put on a happy face and do the work to pay the rent. You are a dedicated mom and I respect you for that. It may not be easy but keep on going.

Feel free to reply to this message with a tag @CANDC or if you ever want to go into more detail in a personal message, feel free. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I have lived in some similar situations to what you describe.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. You might also consider the Depression Forum to find people with like minds and situations.
@CANDC

Hi and welcome @notmeinreallife.

You mention wanting to take a break. I don't think a weekend getaway would be unreasonable. How old is your son? Could you leave him with his dad for a few days? Give you some time to yourself?

Also wondering if you have ever talked to a professional about this. A lot of companies now have an Employee Assistance Program where you can have a few free sessions with a counselor. And then they can direct you to a longer term therapist if that's needed.

Sending you lots of hugs darling. So sorry to hear you're going through all this.

We have a responsibility to ourselves, to actually take care of ourselves and keep our cups full. I've come to realize self love isn't a buzz word, it needs to be an essential component of our lives.

I hope you are able to take small steps each day to get your spirit back to feeling good again. Professional help to talk through what you're experiencing is always a good idea.. and sometimes we do need to get away to help us gain clarity and to reset.

I do not know what's the situation with your husband and why you don't want to leave your son with him, but summer's coming, wondering if it's not possible to enroll your son in a camp? Something that would be a great experience for him. Or ask him whether there is something he would like to do this summer, like see or spend time with another family member and plan both of your trips to run simultaneously, so you're gone at the same time. Or, if he's old enough, you two go along on a trip together and have him occupy himself somehow with activities that he enjoys. (Just some thoughts I thought I'd share incase they could be useful, don't know how feasible it is for you).

Regarding your job, is there a reason you're still committed to that company? Nothing wrong with planning up an exit strategy and taking the steps day by day/ week by week/ month by month to transition to more fulfilling opportunities.

Do not despair, dear. Hugs! 🤗

((((( notmeinreallife )))) I'm sending many hugs (sorry I don't have more words right now) I too am glad you posted and are part of the community here!