[TwilightDawn]

I feel like there are a lot of people here with stories worse than mine, I've had a couple friends tell me its alright, things are different for different people, so trying to keep that in mind while writing this...

I don't like people.

Its not against anyone, I don't...

Every time I think back, all I feel is hurt... it seems so trivial to me...

But it still hurts me deep down...

I was once a nice, open person with some idea what was going on. I once trusted people blindly...

I just want to know why.

I can recognize some of it, but I can't let it go yet, and that bugs me...

All my life I've been a target of bullies. Anything... from simple childhood avoidance and name poking to.. outright... well... god hard to say...

Well, molested, and much worse... young as when I was six... but too scared to tell people.

It... only happened 3 times, and all different people...

All people who hated me to begin with...

But this... it didn't affect me as much as the past few years have...

Between that house in 2006 (I posted that somewhere... I'll repost it... if someone wants me to...) and having friends who I adored and trusted with my life, and didn't know all they wanted me for was to talk behind my back, lead me into a lie and then turn their back onto me, shove me in the dirt and call me all kinds of nasty names... even to people who I've never met...

Sometimes... with how many times its happened... if they were right.

I feel useless right now, perfectly useless, I tried so many things just to get people to leave me alone, ignoring them, getting very bad hygiene... I know it seems gross, but I wanted people to leave me alone and I was 10 at the time of the hygiene...

But each day it now hurts me... I try hard not to show it to people, but each day each incident replays in my mind, it hurts, and I can't ever force myself to look through each of those days and find a way to tell them it wasn't me...

Because each time it feels like its my fault...

Each day, each incident, it questions my reason and will to live, it questions my worthiness as a human, and I want it to stop...

I have a talent for igorning people so much that basically I will leave my body and then sudden;ly remind myself to breathe... because I just want people to leave me aloen that much.

I know its not as bad as some, but it hurts me... I don't know why...

[nowheretorun]

Asuyuka...

well.... i care about you... and what you say and think and do... i dont even know you, but i know you matter....

bullying is terrible and damaging and needs to be controlled better imo.... there are ways i imagine....

i hear you ask for peace in the words... and healing...

healing can come thru connections... to .... something... begin somewhere.... and let it grow?

for me, life is a looooooooong lesson..... : ) thanks for being here.... sharing... it matters to me....

hope you are well soon

[TwilightDawn]

Thank you... it feels good if someone just listens to me even... I miss hearing my name being called... in respect, mind you, no one says my name to me nowadays, and it feels like no one pays attention anymore, so anyone's response means wonders to me...

I know it seems kind of selfish to say that, but...

Thank you...

[eskielover]

Asuyuka,

There is nothing that is trivial when it has an effect on you. I have realized that the smallest things in life are the most important.....they are the things that mean the most.

To be treated with respect....just treated as another person.....not treated mean. For people to acknowledge that we are even there & not made fun of, teased. Sadly, kids are the worst for that & if we survive our childhood (which is a miracal) then we can go on..hopefully able to gain back some of the self-esteem that we lost if kids were really mean to us.

Sadly, if parents aren't good at working with children who get treated badly, they sometimes only make the hurt worse & bringing the child down even more & the damage can become permanent....& we withdraw from everyone to protect ourselves. As a child, that coping skill is the only one we know. As a child, other children are just mean...it really isn't that they hate us, they are just mean & when they get together, it's kind of a group thing & they get even meaner....the sad thing is that they usually don't hate you, it's just what they do because it makes them feel important or popular.....there are many reasons why children are just mean without hatred even being behind it. All we know is that it hurts because there is no way for us to understand their thinking. It doesn't make sense because we never did anything to hurt them & it's hard to tell anyone what we are feeling & when we don't, then we can't get the help & support we really need from our parents or teachers.

I know when things build on top of the childhood things without supportive parents to coach you through these things & show you the love that is missing around you, it only gets worse & more things pile ontop as our life goes on & the useless, not cared about or loved feeling only grows. I agree that there isn't a more horrible feeling that when I feel I'm being ignored of that I don't exist.

It's important to put those thoughts out of your head....easier said than done. It is important to continually tell yourself that you are a valuable person.....I know that what I am saying here belongs more in the spiritual forum, but knowing that God created me & that he loves me & that I have a purpose here on earth even though I don't know what it is yet. I remember a saying from a few years ago...."God doesn't make junk" & that he pays attention to even the smallest sparrow. Knowing this has always help me when I am down on myself & feeling worthless.

It's also important to protect ourselves from people who don't respect us. Rather than ignoring people like that, it's best if we don't allow them into our lives in the first place if we can sense them out before they are allowed in.

There is nothing trivial about your feelings. Your reactions to the way you have been treated are very normal.....everyone deserves to be treated with respect & to be acknowledged that you exist as a person & your thoughts are valuable just as much as anyone elses.....building up your self confidence after it has been torn down is difficult, but can be worked on & overcome.....it takes time & a good therapist can definitely help.

Know that you are cared about & respected by many....those that don't are only a few....unfortunately, they are the ones that stand out.

Hopefully you can get some help here on PC to help you build back your confidence & know that you are a valuable person who is respected. Also know that your feelings aren't selfish & there is nothing wrong it taking care of yourself.

I want you to know that I care & many others here also care,
Debbie

[nightbird]

Asuyuka,

I get what you are saying.

In one way, you isolate yourself to be safe from people who don't care or take advantage of others.

On the other hand, you miss the contact with people who are kind, caring and would never abuse you.

I understand that catch 22 totally.

I take on what I can handle, even if it's as little as 2 people who are trustworthy. How do I know? I respect what they do with their life. They have integrity because they are still good and caring even when people aren't watching. You get that?

So, having a few touchstones is a great way to hear your name, and feel nedded or purposeful.

I appreciate your post.

Thanks for your honesty.

Someone told me once, that the thing I most need, I should do for others.
So, at the time I needed help..so I gave it everywhere I saw a need.
Wouldn't you know, the next time i really, really needed to be supprted, it was there, out of nowhere.
Life workd like that, on our energies.

If you need love, give love.
So on, so forth.

I wish you happiness and lots of attention - only what you want though (:

Be happy
nightbird

[BalishBun]

I can relate to the bulliying. It started in elementary school and continued on into early highschool. I wish I could go back in time and mess with the people that messed with me. Thats the problem with teasing and things like that is you never forget. You can grow up and have great friends but then when you start thinking about every day you had to go through that torture in the past it angers you. I know I am loved but when I think back of all the mean things my classmates did or made fun of me for it still hurts.

I had two of what I thought were my closest friends backstab me during the time I needed them most.... The preparation of my wedding. I had to replace two bridesmaids at the very last second because they backstabbed me and were being stuck up to the rest of the wedding party. What gets me is how I thought they were the closest friends I had.

[nightbird]

i know. my kid knows that experience too.

i look back and feel sorry for those that hurt my kid.

at my age, i look back at my bullies and chuckle, they didn't do well at all, you know?

those that bully now will suffer immensely because it is so socially unacceptable and the worst of the victims act out, the worst is on the foolishness of out-of-control idiots with hormonal problems or family blueprinting.

screw these bullies that wasted good times of yours.

trust me, when you fast forward, and see them 10- 15 years from now, you will pity the fools.

anyway, good thing is to get support when being bullied and it's supposed to be out there and available!

can you tell i have a few left over feelings too - but i know in the near future, that behavior always suffers, and loses, and rather quickly when their cut-partners are gone.

the more people use it, the stronger the responses against it will become.

even if it's to get people to visit the schools and embarras the jacka**es to put them in their place.

remember one thing though, it's also a mental condition - bullying - these Guys/Gals are not well....that's why they bully to begin with.

therapists need to hold assemblies in schools like every week today - screw the present systems!

peace

[TwilightDawn]

Thanks, yeah, dad once told me that sometimes people will single out others... used to tell me it was because the people singled otu were different, sometimes even better, than the bulliers...

Still hurts a little.

Dad once told me one of the kids who used to bully him in college came back and apologized and said it was because he was better than him in math...

So I try to keep the thought in mind that maybe I was better, but I then beat myself back don because a thought like that is egotistical ^^;

[Oceanlilly]

I can definitely relate to where you are coming from....school can be hard...so many people judge-tease -assume....but i think people definitely pick and bully people cause of there own self esteem issues ya know? its like what they had to do to make them feel better about themselves....they probably were jealous of you.....people really dont understand the depth of putting another person down, its sad....i went through alot in middle school and high school....i was called names-people ran my name through the mud...ruined my reputation....but with time you just have to realize that there was nothing you did,,,,it was the other people that had the issues.....(with themselves) and when it comes down to trust i think everything we might experience in life wether its in school-family or whatever it sorta molds us on how we interact with people -if were social or shy - have a negative attitude or so on....i have struggled with alot of the same issues that you braught up in your post....but we all have to remember that this is our life and we cannot let other people control our happiness.....i am sure your a great and fun person to be around and i hope you can overcome this obsticle in your life...cause life can be fullfilling and rewarding.....