oh dear....I think I'm an idiot.

Somebody pass the Ativan, please?

I'm just getting ready to leave for my date with the big boss. I am not sure why I'm panicky -- one way or another, I still have a job, after all -- but I am anyway.

Wish me luck.....once we're done there, I have a pdoc appointment later in the afternoon, so I won't be able to report in till 6-6:30 tonight (central time).

Time for my favorite Talking Heads lyric: "My God! What have I done?!"

bear buddy

Hey, your posts here are inspiring to so many of us, even though you are anxious, you are going for what you want. Kudos!

Candybear you are far from an idiot!! You went for something you wanted and took charge..go you!!! I hope all goes well and let us know what happens best wishes to you!!

Yes, Candy...I even like you

Let me know how the job interview goes

I hope this is coherent. I at least waited till my officemate left to burst into tears.

Let me just say, the last time this happened to me, I ended up in the hospital for a week and a half. I hope I am stronger this time and won't go that far off the deep end, but right now I'm not promising anything.

So. I got tag-teamed by my immediate supervisor and the editor-in-chief. Big guy did most of the talking. He told me as soon as I sat down that they weren't going to consider me for the position. He then mentioned ONE positive thing before launching into about 14 reasons why I suck.

I found much of it very unfair. He brought up byline counts. At my 6th month review last year, I was told to hit a target of 3 to 4 stories a week. I have done that consistently. But, I got compared to the other 2 people (one being my officemate) who work in the hinterland offices: In a 2-month period (in which I had a fair bit of time off), both of them had much bigger numbers than I did. One of them has lived here 20 years. One of them has lived here 7. I have lived here 16 months. The first time I ever set foot in this part of the state was for the job interview. How can I be expected to have as many connections in my community as they do?

The other thing he brought up was "initiative." They want me to think of more of my own story ideas. I have worked on that as well. I run ideas past my editor -- who is 50 years old, grew up here, and has worked for the paper 26 years -- and he says, "Oh yeah, we did that a couple years ago." How am I supposed to have the knowledge base to know that?

My immediate boss, at least, tried to bring up some more positives to ease things, but I still feel like a complete loser.

From there, I went to my pdoc appointment. 2nd time seeing this guy after canning the old one. Love him already, so that is very nice. Totally night and day from the loser I canned. At my first appt. a couple months ago, he ordered some labs. In reviewing them today, my fasting blood sugar was out of sight. This means buh-bye, Seroquel. It is one of the only two mood stabilizers that have ever done jack for me....and the other one nearly caused my death from bone marrow failure. So I am kind of SOL med-wise, right at a time where I've been increasingly hypomanic.

Not a good day, guys. And now the second-guessing myself is rampant, and that's never a good thing.

I think they sound egomaniacal, having to put other people down to feel good about themselves.......as your numbers, as you say, reflect more your newness to the community than anything else...plus, egos run big in that business, it's the nature of the beast. Let us love you here until you feel better, your writing here is good and wonderful and that's what counts. That sounds so far like you ARE stronger than the last time............. and even if you do go off the deep end, sometimes it's that end where we get the most work done, build us up stronger.

i still love you

Even if you DO go off the deep end. I've been known to go off the deep end myself sometimes.

I totally think you should have got the position. No fair about the tag teaming either.

((((((((((((((( Candybear)))))))))))))))) I am so sorry . I know your hurting right now. But I want you to remember something. That your a fighter. Just look at all you been thru in your life.. and your still here.. still pluggin away... your a survivor.. Its in your heart,, its in your mind. You know deep inside that your worth more than what they said you were. You know your a good worker, a talented writer, a warm caring person, and a good friend to many here. You can survive this too. You dont have a thing to prove to anyone but yourself. We all know here that you can do this.. that you can fight your way up and out of this hole. I believe in you!!! Dont let them tell you that you dont have it in ya. Dont fall for that crap. You can stand tall and show them your not gonna let them get you down. You've always given it your all. And thats all a person can do.

I hope this shows you what we see in you. So you can start to believe it yourself.

Love you
Hugz
Bethy

Candy, you are more then your job and they can jump off the deep end as they are clueless as to what you discussed. You have an entire life before these clowns and during these clowns. You are doing just fine. As to the meds, Just let him do his thing and stay grounded as to the reality of now. You are a VERY well loved and respected woman and I for one have your back. Tell these losers at work to take a hike after you have had a chance to ground yourself. Who needs that? You are a good egg.

PS.If you are feeling the need; write a response letter to the meeting today and have them stop and think for a minute.

Awww, YUCK (((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry they did that.

You ARE strong and you will be okay. I liked how you were able to negate what they were saying in your post with valid reasons such as their length of time in the community as opposed to yours and not having the knowledge base because of that as well. Keep telling yourself those things Candy. What they said was very unfair and you are very capable.

Candy, we've read your writing and I think your writing is wonderful. You put yourself out there, you show yourself to have team spirit and you are willing to show your vulnerability. Bah to them. They can't see the writing for the dirt in their eyes.

I'm super glad your new pdoc is working out.

Hang in there Candy and lean on us right now. There are many here who care about you.

((((candybear)))) I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rainbowzz said:
i still love you

Even if you DO go off the deep end. I've been known to go off the deep end myself sometimes.

I totally think you should have got the position. No fair about the tag teaming either.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh, Rainbowzz, what a wonderful post

I hope you do fine, Candy. You showed initiative applying for the post! They got an online archive? Where's it at; we'll all read it here and come up with enough ideas they haven't done to make their little pin heads spin! You got picked up just last week, remember; won't be last time and one of these times one of those big guys is gonna notice and you ain't gonna look back!

They have an online archive, but it's $$. I can get into it with an office password but am not supposed to let others have it.

I am just feeling like an idiot for trying. I'll get over it.

(((Candy)))

So very sorry to hear. Some people who think they know everything know nothing.

I really wish that they could see how great you would be in that position, how much of a talent you are to them and how appreciative they should be of you.

I am so very sorry.

I really wish that the meds could get straightened out too.

Feel free to PM me to *****, or whatever you wanna do. You know how I feel about you

Candy I'm so sorry that you had to deal with such jerks. I think your a wonderful person and an amazing person. We're all here for you!!

I really do appreciate everyone's kind words, but I am really struggling still this morning to believe them. I didn't think it was possible to feel worse than I did yesterday, but I totally do. Thank you everyone for trying to help, though. It's just that my ability to do my job is the ONE thing I have even a shred of self-esteem about, and it's been nuked to bits, and I'm not dealing.....

Candy hon.. the fact that your not dealing well with this sets off an alarm in me. I really think you need to call your T and either speak with her over the phone or go in to talk to her or someone there. I'm worried for you. I had gone thru the same type of thing from September to December. You need to talk to your T.. and soon hon. Please do this.

Love ya
Bethy

If the paper you work for has a Human Resource dept., I would think those two peeps should have to go for some human relations training...seriously.

Candy...you know what you are made of , and what you are capable of. Perhaps its just me, but it sounded like they already knew who they were giving the position to. I have seen that happen, in fact I have been on the crappy end of the stick of it. A job is posted in house...with management knowing full well, they already have someone chosen, but they have to follow the "rules". Hence....they have to tell you about what they think your difficulties are, rather than what it is you do well.

I am sorry this happened...but I am glad you got to the pdoc and that you like him.

I punted T a couple months ago. We were never a good fit and my schedule and hers were not a good fit either.

Today I had a slow day, so I went through all my email and printed out all the compliments I have gotten from readers. I now have about a half-inch thick file. But that didn't cheer me up either. I am starting to scare myself some too.

just checking in Candy...wanting to know how you are feeling. A bit better perhaps? I want you to know I am thinking about you.