[Lana56]

My husband went to prison for something he never did.We have been married for 24 years and have a good marriage.My problem is that my whole life has been destroyed.I am disabled and he took care of me.Now I am all ALONE to do everything and ofcourse with this happening that in itself is hard.Ofcourse financially it has been hard and emotionally I am sick.I am in constant pain and very lonely,My heart is sick and i have lost so much that I had.We were so close and I miss him so much.I have been severely depressed and now I can't even see my therapist because I can't pay and have no insurance.I spend every hour in tears and would you believe he has been gone for a year now.He was my life,my pal,and the best partner you could imagine.I am having a terrible time and don't know what to do anymore.I am told to get a life.Have to say that is hard when you are in constant pain and alone to think too often.A week ago I was bedridden with severe pain and it was a horror.My poor husband is sick that he is not there for me now.Things are hard for both of us.Anyone know of how I can get some support that I need.Maybe something on the internet or some organization for families of inmates.Just so you all know,the justice system in the US really stinks!!!Can my broken heart ever get healed while I miss my husband for the next five to seven years.

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Lana -- Welcome to the forums. This is a place that you come to get emotional support. I have a recent (unfortunately rather long) post on this General Forum about how being here helped me.

I don't know much about support for families of prisoners. Is there any chance that DNA evidence can clear your husband? I have heard of some groups that do that. If there is a university with a Criminal Justice program, some professors take on a "class project" in which students may try to collect evidence to disprove a conviction.

Another option that comes to mind is your church. Perhaps you will be able to get counseling or real help taking care of yourself and your home.

I am sure that other forum members will have even better insights than these.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. It must be very hard, indeed.

[SweetCrusader]

((((((Lana56)))))))))))))

I am so sorry to hear this. I don't know anything to help you, and I really wish that I did.

Sorry for your pain and your loss, and for your husband's as well.

Angela

This is the best website I know of for families of inmates:

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums

You can enroll and get a user name, just like you did here. On the list of forums, if you scroll way down, you'll see a forum for each state. That's your best bet for locating resources in your area. You can learn SO much from the other wives and families of inmates!

From what you can mail to your husband, to things he can cook in his cell, and what the best vending machine food is for visits! Can you tell I've been there, done that? ....long story!

Anyhow, that site is the BEST place to learn about the prison system and to meet people in the same place you are! Good luck and keep us posted!

As far as resources for your own depression, I would consider contacting your county mental health department. They should be able to set you up with a social worker on a sliding scale fee. I know it's not the same as seeing your regular therapist....but it's so important to have someone to talk to!

Are you able to work now, or are eligible for SSD?

Sorry to throw so much at you at once, but I'm just trying to see what you've already looked into.

It must be so very difficult to be without your husband. In this country it seems that people just forget about the ones who are sentenced and put behind bars, as if they don't exist. They don't stop to think about what happens to them after sentencing. And they surely don't think about what happens to their families! My heart goes out to you, Lana.

Take care, emmy

[Lana56]

thankyou so much for all the support and kindness-it is deeply appreciated as my life is pretty torn apart and it gets very lonely.I will take all the advice and kind words to heart. Lana56

Dear Lana: I am so sorry that you're alone and lonely now....If I were nearby, I'd drop in with some cookies and tea....Ems' post made a lot of sense and I'd do what she suggested. I wish I could do more to help you.....But keep coming here and chat with us. Someone is always online and will be happy to talk with you and most importantly, listen.......Pat

[Myzen]

Hi Lana,

Nothing much to add, except to stay with us. The feeling of support gets better over time, and there are some strong people here, who will always be ready to help.

I hope it gets easier for you.

Myzen.

Nothing much to add, except to stay with us. The feeling of support gets better over time, and there are some strong people here, who will always be ready to help.

I want to comment on Myzen's post....when I first came here, I went to the Internet Travelers Lounge. There were a few of us that had come over from Babble and we kinda hung there. Slowly, I started going out and posting on other threads....now, I feel totally at home to post anywhere, anytime. A lot of that is due to Ems and Zenny. Zenny dragged me here and Ems welcomed me. Before I knew it, we were just all over the place. There are some very strong people here and the moderators are top-notch.....I couldn't be happier with a mental health forum!!!! Please keep posting, Lana. We're all here and we listen "real good".....Pat

[Lana56]

I want to thankyou everyone for the support.I saw my husband yesterday and he is getting so sick-it is so upsetting and all I do is cry.I am glad I can share all this with good people that care.Sometimes we don't have to feel so alone.Thankyou!

[Wants2Fly]

Keep coming back, Lana.

Visits can be a uplifting, or so extreeeemely depressing, or, heck...both! I hate looking around the visitors room at the little children. That just breaks my heart. Toddlers wandering around, teens sulking while their dads lecture them, couples arguing over bills, mothers and sons, brothers playing cards together, it's an amazing scene. Even if I knew no one there, it would still be heart wrenching.

It's tough, but it gets easier...surreal, but easier -- only because you get used to how insane it is.

Please keep talking to us.

emmy

[shakes]

Lana,
I am glad that you at least got to see your husband yesterday. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. Please come here to talk as much as you need to.

Jessica

[Crazy_Charlie]

Dear Lana
It is for me, always, such a huge surprise that people can actually be in jail, and be innocent (believe me, I know by experience that it happens, and not even so rare that one would think). Before I worked in a prison, I had this naïve Norse thought: "Precious little Norway (note the sarcastic tone) has a perfect lawsystem and those who end up in jail only get what they deserve, after all it is the modern era of 2004"... And even then, when I still had this thought in my heart, I also KNEW that the "supposed to be killers" in Norways current most famous murder case are all in jail as a result of circumstantial evidence, and NO real proof. Personally, I don't call that beyond all doubt.

And in jail I was directly confronted with those who actually didn't do anything wrong, with those who had been set up by others, or those who had simply been at the wrong place at the wrong time. I know one cases where wasn't only just circumstantial evidence, but in fact there were some OBVIOUS details that proved the accused offender not guilty (but still he spent 13 years in jail before someone did something about it). I met surprisingly many who had an intelligence level on the limit of what it can be for actually entering a prison (a person of 6o in intelligence doesn't understand that if he knows how to drive a car it is STILL illegal to drive it without a driving licence). Is it the chronological age or the mental age that should decide if we end up in prison or some place to be taken care of for mentally disabled? (I don't think your husband has low intelligence, I just feel that the prison system is unfair for so many, and yet so many feel so confident with the maw/prison systems as they are-I don't know why? Often the REAL criminals are sitting safely on the outside protected by the law somehow, and using our kids, parents and siblings to do the dirty work out of despair, frustration or lack of knowledge--- or they are simply theone who gets the BLAME. Of the criminals who are sitting in there, the prison is usually just making life more difficult for them in an already impossible life. In prison protect the society for the person for so and so many years. When he is out on the streets again, he (or she) is ten times more frustrated and angry, has ten times more or accumulated problems, AND has learned a few new tricks from other criminals. These poor ones cannot manage outside the criminal world without proper help. Why do we trust a system that works like this? Why do we feel protected by this?).

And then you had all those who had never ever had adult support in their whole life, and never really understood the rules in the society because no one taught them. Or all those who had excessive problems at home, and was never picked up by any help system. Some of which had both some kind of disturbance (espescially ADHD, but also dyslexia and certain syndromes) and a bad home environment.

In fact, I find prisons the most outragious primitive solutions of problems in the modern age.

In addition, they are just escalating the problem by not being of any GOOD for the person in there. I know what you are feeling, almost every prisoner that was in my office could tell about similar feelings that you have. They would be frustrated because their wife/girlfriend was sick/having financial problems and they were not there to help them. The helplessness and frustration you are probably sharing with your husband, and those two feelings are paralyzing on the human mind. Huge, muscular, macho~ men, with tattoos and scars covering 80% of their bodies~ men, that were in jail for so imhuman acts I wont repeat them here~ men that nurses refused to talk to because they were scared of them~ these men broke down in tears talking about their loved one and not being able to be there for them. If there was one thing that could make them regret what they had done, it was the knowledge that becaue of that you cannot be with your loved one. For an innocent person that has nothing to regret, this must be a very confusing frustration. Doesn't it exist any kind of organization that offers free help for situations like this? or some place where you can apply for donations for help? I almost get frustrated myself, there must be SOMEPLACE you can get some help? Maybe ther eis some information online? Anywhere you can call? It is HORRIBLE if you get put in such a helpless situation, being disabled and all. Is there any way your husband can use his sickness to get reduced punishment or get out earlier? I know absolutely nothing about the prison and law system in the US, so I cannot come with any advice, really.

I cannot really find words that I find comforting enough, I can only remind you that at least this is temporary and not forever (at least I hope so? Forgive me my ignorance). I am not very religious, but I like this one very much anyway (maybe you can find strength in it too?):

God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the patience to
endure the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. ...

Charlie