Living in a prison...

Hi-
I don't know why I'm even posting this... I guess I just want to talk to people and just tell someone, ANYONE, about what I've been going through my entire life in hopes that I'm not alone. I'm an 18-year-old male and over the past couple months I've been searching for answers as to why I do the things I do and how abnormal it really is in comparison to the way other "normal" people act. It's actually quite interesting because up until this year I've never thought myself to have some kind of disorder. I have, however, known for about 6-8 years that some of my internal thought-processes are a little bit... weird?

I diagnosed myself last night with avoidant personality disorder. It is actually quite incredible how perfectly the symptoms match up. I have a family history of mental illness/instability. My mother is bipolar and my brother has many issues of his own. Growing up with a bipolar parent I'm assuming was a living hell. I'm only assuming because I don't remember anything before the age of 10, maybe this is normal and maybe it's not... I just don't know what's "normal" anymore. After I reached 6th grade my real problems started. I would go to school, get treated like *****, come home and get treated like ***** again, and this cycle would continue for several years. Every passing day just seemed to get worse and worse. Once High-School hit, my mom was finally treated for the disease that remained unaddressed for her entire lifetime and my entire childhood. This is when life was a little bit more peaceful and tolerable, and yet I was the most unhappy I'd ever been in my entire life... probably due to the fact that my already existing issues combined with normal teen-angst. High-school passed, and now college. Wow... I just can't seem to get a f*cking break. I can never seem to achieve happiness and acceptance.

Anyways, I previously mentioned that I've known myself to have unusual thought-processes for several years. I'll try to explain them the best I can...

When I encounter groups of people (whether they are friends or strangers), engaging in conversation actually becomes difficult. I have these intense inner-dialogues where I basically just try to think of what the best thing for me to say in the conversation is. My friends will stand there joking around having a good time while I stand there completely mute just trying to think of what to say. When I start saying something and all eyes turn on me, I often stutter and or mispronounce words, making everything I say just not flow well at all. At one point I even thought I might have a speech-impediment. Frequently when this occurs (and even when I speak fluently) I find myself looking intensely for the reactions of other people in order to identify their feelings and opinions of me. I also go off on random tangents during conversation making me feel very awkward as I explain things for some reason.

I also find myself to be a complete wuss. I am extremely submissive and I like to make others happy while neglecting my own needs. People push me around and I do nothing about it.

Another key symptom of APD that I was amazed to see fit me extremely well was the imaginary thought-processes. Frequently (at least 50-100 times per day) I drift off into a fantasy land where I imagine myself without the anxiety problem and I've achieved something unrealistic such as being a professional athlete, being rich with lots of friends and beautiful women, being buff and physically desirable, etc....... I play out these fantasies in my mind and they NEVER stop occurring throughout the day. It's not like it bothers me... i mean... it actually is quite nice to escape my reality through the use of imagination. However, I do know that this is a severe underlying problem which makes me want all this ***** to end ASAP before it is so ingrained in my subconscious that it is too late to "overwrite." People often catch me talking to myself and I sometimes can't remember what I was even saying to myself after I "snap out of it". A lot of my self-dialogues are basically just me thinking to myself what I'm going to say to my friends later today or how I'm going to initiate conversation. My life is simply a struggle for love and acceptance, and yet I cannot get close to people. I don't even remember the last time I've hugged or said "I love you" to my parents. My mother actually often forces me to tell her that I love her and hug her or else I won't be able to go out with friends or something. So actually I guess I do tell my mother I love her, but not on my own terms. However, I genuinely do not remember the last time I've hugged or said "I love you' to my father, that's for sure. It's not that I don't love them... because I do... but the idea of saying "I love you" and or hugging my parents makes me cringe a little bit for whatever reason.

I feel as though I'm being tortured. I often think to myself... "Nobody deserves this... why me???? I have a good heart, I'm not mean to people... so why do I deserve to feel endless despair and emptiness?"

I know this isn't me... my true self is buried deep down somewhere and I must bring it out and lower my social inhibitions. I read in an AvPD FAQ that people with APD will never achieve normality in life and they can "only get so close" to their normal selves. I for one think this is absolute bullsh*t. The human brain is dynamic, and I intend to alter myself in order to achieve complete normalcy.

I must break out of this prison...

Welcome...

You mention your mom's issues not being addressed for your entire childhood.

I would imagine that probably had an impact.

It sounds like you determined that you may want to seek some medical help, so that the issues you feel you have are not addressed for a lifetime.

I encourage you to take that first step..and we are all hear for you...

welcome to PC. you've taken the first step towards wellness by recognizing that your thought processes worry you......try to find a therapist/counselor IRL to talk to and continue to post here........pat

Hi ComeClarity,
You sound so alone and scared. I'm glad you're here and I hope you find the support and the help you seek.
((((ComeClarity))))))

Wow even though I am female I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. Especially your personality traits of putting others first and struggles to figure out why things are horrible for you despite all of your good qualities. I'm nine years older than you and want to let you know things can and will get better. You may want to read the book by sam obitz on overcoming anxiety and depression because i think you will relate to his story. It was the first book we read in my a cbt group and it has turned my life around and built my self esteem up at the same time. I think you might find success with cbt if you dedicate yourself to doing the exercises. I hope this is helpful to you and I hope you feel better soon because you sound like a great guy!

Hi, comeclarity; so much of your story sounded like mine. Were I you, I'd get a therapist (the school ones are fine to start with), "anyone" to start conversing with so you can work on getting some of the inside dialogue to stop in favor of outside.

I got trapped in my head until I was about 32! I went to the University of Maryland and started therapy there when I was 20 and didn't find a really good therapist until I was around 27. If I had a "do-over" :-) I'd start with working harder on talking to other people and learning to interact better, etc. Can you join a toastmasters club at school or something, take a public speaking class or join some groups that center around things you like?

I wouldn't "settle" for a personality disorder just yet :-) I eventually was treated "as if" I had GAD but my therapist and I never did really nail down a diagnosis anywhere. Your life is building the prison so you can dismantle it if you work on it now that you're getting grown and away from surroundings. But you have to work on getting out of yourself/your prison, and the only way I found to do that was another person/therapist (and my husband helped enormously after I met him when I was 34). It's hard work but I feel it can be done.

Your school may even have cbt trained therapists you can see for free.

Your statement I feel endless dis pair and emptiness. Welled up tears in my eyes. It is not the tears of pity but rather the tears of being able to relate.Your tile I must break out t of this prison is very precise and accurate. I have asked my T if I am free then why do I still feel so trapped?We are still working on finding the answer to my question.Thanks for your post it has helped me to feel not so alone.
Smilie

Welcome to PC Comeclarity! and you are already on your way to feeling better just by taking the risk and talking on here. As people have mentioned before, is there anyone at your College that you could talk to? I'm also a first year at university, and can realy relate to what you're saying. I'm also not close with my parents, and i completely understand what you mean about the hugging and "i love you thing." - that will take some time! But just know that if you are willing to work on it (which is sounds like you are) then you can do whatever you set your mind to. I think all anyone in the world wants is to feel accepted and loved, and i think that if you can come to a better understanding of how your feeling - whether it be through therapy or not - you will be just fine.

Keep posing, and feel free to PM if you want to talk.
Jacqueline

How are you doing comeclarity? I hope you found something that is helping you

I have found that my inner child is afraid of many things.And is also afraid and pessimistic about my future. But my adult self assures me that that is most of my pain talking and learned behavior from my childhood.And my soul needs to grieve for the many past and recent losses in my life.My goal is ti feel less often like the sentence in the poem I wrote. "How I long to feel the summers breeze." But rather to feel like I am living actively in the somberness of the summers breeze.
Smilie

I can relate to vitually all of what you are saying. I'm a 39 year old woman, and from my experience, some things get better with age/therapy/medication/support/determination/ etc., but I still suffer.
I try to be good to myself and do things that give me joy or entertain me. This is the life I've been given to live, and it is not always good. I don't have a lot of love and support and understanding and people that care about me, but I've made the decision to try to live this life with all of its flaws the best I can.
I've been able to overcome a lot of social anxiety, but not all of it, and it's cost me friends. I still cannot be affectionate with people even if I care about them (except for boyfriends), I get crabby in the morning because in my dreams, my life is exotic and wonderful and I don't want to wake up. Sometimes I say things I wish I hadn't said in a group setting and fret about it for days, weeks, even months.
However, I take solace in that my suffering has made me a compassionate person. And even though I experience far more isolation that I would like, I've learned to do things I enjoy by myself and tell myself I'm worthy of my own love. I've become better at "faking" confidence when I'm not feeling terrible, so I can have somewhat of a social life, and not everyone sees the anxiety and awkwardness I try so hard to hide.
Things could be much better, yes, but they can be much worse, and they were when I was younger. I think as you grow older, things will get better. Your self-awareness, intelligence, determination will undoubtably help improve your life dramatically. There is hope. Don't lost sight of that. You are not alone.Good luck!