[wisewoman]

I am a frequent user of chat. There have been issues lately relating to the possibility of some of the chatters knowing eachother in the real world. This has affected me and I in turn triggered someone else with a silly response. I don't know how to fix this, I don't want it to be like this. Chat has been a good source of support for me, fun, friendship, connection. I just want to put it out there. It gets horrid when people are rude to eachother. Sorry in advance if this is perceived as rude or hurtful, I just want to fix the problem.

[SeptemberMorn]

WW, don't you think that these problems will be normally encountered in any chat room or even the boards? Could you explain what the problem is if two members know each other in 3D and why it bothers you? I don't get it.

If you triggered someone with your silliness, I sure wasn't there, but I find you funny and refreshing. Can't imagine what you could have said. You know... we can't always be responsible for other's feelings when you're in a group of usually oversensitive people. Besides, whenever anyone comes into the chat that even drops the smallest hint that something might be wrong, you drop everything and focus kindly on that person. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Now... do you want to know what bothers me about chat?? It's the voyeurs! They come into chat and never say anything! No, I'm not talking about Greg or Fuzzy. LOL We know we're safe with them. It's the others... and I know you know who I'm thinking about. They don't post much so we don't get to know who they are and then sit and read everything we say in chat. Makes me feel like "I'm being watched" and NOT in a good way!

Sweety, don't worry about what you say. You're always so kind and caring. ...and goofy, too! LOL

Just a point on the voyeur thing....often when I go to chat, I end up have a an IM conversation with someone I know, and totally don't pay attention to the chat room. Or, I confess, that if the chat gets quiet, I might switch out and look at posts for a while. So I might look like a voyeur, ya know? So, maybe that's what's happening in lots of other situations?

And WW - just as Sept said, we can't help who we upset with an innocent comment. We've all done it, and it IS upsetting. And on the other hand, I've had someone say something to me online, and without them knowing it, they've sent ME into tears. It's tough here online when we don't know who were are typing to, what their situation is, what their issues are, what their background is, etc. Sometimes we walk right into the proverbial minefield, huh? Sometimes I'm afraid to say a thing - I type a sentence, and erase, type another and erase! Heck....I'm an accidently overly cautious lurker!! ;-) And even with all that back spacing I still manage to put my foot in my mouth at least one or twice a week.

Hugs, emmy

[wisewoman]

oh emmy, you do not. You are a good little chatter. Sept, you are right, I am not responsible for others being triggered. Thank you.

[itsjustme111]

ww, I am not sure what happened here but yes makes sense what September has said. Don't worry about everyone else. You can't control this part of things. I like seeing u in chat, your a wonderful person to chat with. I know you help others, so keep that in mind. And your not responsible for others being triggered, u have every right to be in and talk about what YOU NEED TO.

September, I understand what u said here as well. I do feel that way as well but reading what emily said does make sense. I am always worried about that too, glad u brought this up.

Hey September; (((((((((((I love the email))))))))))))) really nice; hehe. and a drool. yummy!! opps did I say that??

Justy

[adieuolivaw]

Dear Wisewoman:

Inevitably, some of us won't be aware that we are saying
something that is dismissive, invalidating, just plain rude,
or causes another to feel distress. We're not perfect.

I have never heard you say such a thing, WW, and it is certainly
to be regretted that someone here might have offended or
distressed you.

I look forward to reading your posts and seeing you in chat.
I find your presence delightful.

Adieu

[itsjustme111]

Now this is what should be said. Well put adieuolivaw!!!!

WW you are delightful!!

Justy

[(JD)]

sigh. if someone brings their real life friends in here, then they should be able to handle it... they did it. We can't be responsible beyond being careful for what happens and how they take something. If the two ppl are on the outs IRL, then the rules of the website still need to be followed with being civil here, especially in chat when their words can't just be "deleted" and can affect others more quickly.

I'm sorry you are upset about this... don't let it take up any more of your precious thinking time IMO

[SeptemberMorn]

Emmy, I didn't mean you or people that post on a regular basis. It's not even the brand new people that bother me. It's people that post mostly responses and not much of that and then they come into the chat and never say anything. Maybe it's just me, but it makes me uncomfortable. Hun, you're ALL OVER the board! LOL You're no stranger to any of us.

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
(((((((((((I love the email))))))))))))) really nice; hehe. and a drool. yummy!! opps did I say that??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LMAO Check your email, Hun, but watch that you don't drool on your keys. Plays hell with your keyboard. LOLOL These are "dressed," too. Well, the important parts anyway. hehehehehe I don't do porn, so feel safe, ok?

[itsjustme111]

Oh my, now I am laughing so hard I think I accidently spit on the keyboard. EWWW, jk.

Glad u don't do porn, but I never meant it that way; lol. Just wanting to let others know these lovely dressed men were fully clothed. That is the best Brad Pitt close up I have ever seen. My oh my.

That was worth drooling on anything!!!! I did check the email, too cute. I know your emails are tasteful. (hehehe) I won't let that thought out; lol.
Justy

[SeptemberMorn]

ROFLMAO!! You're too funny!!

To a point, I've always thought that "clothes makes the man." Well... at least it reveals what he thinks of himself. LOL

Want another laugh? Let me tell you who I think is too sexy for words, ESPECIALLY when he's holding a baby in his arms... Charlie Gibson from Good Morning America! LOLOL I ... well... I won't tell you what I could do to his dimples, but "DAMN, Baby!" LOL

[SeptemberMorn]

Ooops! WW, I'm sorry I've taken your thread in a totally different direction.

[Malady156]

The best way to deal with this that I have found is to apologize when you realize you affected someone else negatively. Like you did for me (which I appreciated and accepted -- did you see that part before you signed off?) -- I have also had to do this for others at times even though I know *I* didn't mean anything bad by it, etc. Sometimes if someone has been triggered it might take them a few moments to collect themselves back out of it -- I know that's the case with me, I can't just turn off the trigger autoresponse, but if it's been de-fused I WILL eventually come out of it.

As for thinking someone is someone they are not, I don't know the answer to that one. When someone thinks that it is hard to talk them out of it even when they are wrong. And when you're the target and you KNOW you don't know that person IRL or even from other online places, it is really scary.

~mal

[Malady156]

I'll tell you what really p*sses me off about chat is the way some people hog the support. Sometimes I go to chat (this one and others) just to hang out but sometimes I need support too, and I can never get it because inevitably everyone is all worked up in knots trying to prevent the inevitable about someone else who is going to go off and do it anyway. And no I'm not talking su*c*d* either, but something ELSE. There's one certain problem that everyone drops everything for and those people milk it to hell and back. You can dump yourself into exhaustion trying to "save" them from doing it JUST THIS ONE TIME and the NEXT NIGHT it's the same ***** all over again. Those people p*ss me off. What else p*sses me off is I can't say directly/exactly what I'm talking about because I'll get flamed to HELL and back and get treated like a pariah for it. But maybe some of you can put 2+2 together and figure out what I'm talking about? It's not just a problem HERE, either, but in all those support chats. Hell one night I was su*c*d*l and just needed to TALK to someone, ANYONE, about my feelings, and I went to a su*c*d* chat (NOT here) and one of "these type" was THERE TOO hogging it all up and getting everyone twisting themselves in knots over him/her/it/whatever. Never mind me, what if someone ready to kill themselves had been prevented from getting the help they needed by these attention pigs? P*sses me off so bad if I don't shuddup now I'm gonna go all the way and name it and then go off really bad in terms of grinding their crap into the dust ...

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because I'll get flamed to HELL and back and get treated like a pariah for it

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"Flaming" rarely happens here at PsychCentral. If someone posts something which unsupportive to others, we typically just wait for a moderator to come along and take care of it.

That way the problem doesn't escalate.

Emmy

[(JD)]

Malady... remember if you ever really need to chat, to tell us so! Say something like: hey guys, I really need to talk about something or such... we often have more than one chat going on in the room (sigh, we have that habit, need to learn to break off into the other rooms! But chatting is fairly new to this site, I mean, in the crowdedness it has become...we we are in a bad habit that worked for us with small groups before..)

I have left many other sites because of the lack of civility in the chat rooms. While there isn't always a moderator online, often there is, and someone can notify them. We also have the ability to ignore someone in chat, and recently we had a "professional" voyeur we think LOL and agreed if they came back we would remind each other via pm and ignore him (chat)
DocJohn asked him to go along his way... if he returned, he's hiding well!

Now .. did I go off topic too??? lol

[mj14]

Malady, I think it is in the nature of support groups that some people are going to talk a lot, and others will feel that their problems were slighted because of it. I have seen it online and in 3D, and not always because of the same issue. In my group therapy, I know there are times when one person takes up half the time talking about something they've already talked about before, and I might only get 5 minutes at the end of the session to talk about some real serious issue. One thing I have learned, though, is that if I really need some time, then I ask to go first...no one minds. It can be hard to speak up, but that's the only way anyone can know that you need to talk. And I can tell you from first-hand experience, if you say you need to talk about something here in chat, people will gladly give you your time. And if it's too hard to say something in main chat, you can send a private message to someone and talk to someone one on one until you can get the courage to speak up in main chat.

I would caution you against putting motives onto other people, and using phrases like "attention pigs". We can't really know what motivates other people, and sometimes what seems like "attention seeking" might be the only way someone can reach out and ask for what they need. It does need to be managed so that other people can receive some support, too, but try to remember that those people are struggling, too.

*hugs*
Jo

[Malady156]

Hey Jo,

It's not just me being slighted -- I see the same pattern even when I just go to chat to hang out and don't have any pressing needs myself. I see it when others have needs and fall off into silence and eventually log off. There's one particular "item" that is part of some people's "thing" and that one "item" just seems to get everyone dropping everything to caretake it exclusively. That's what torques me off. "Ooooh I wanna do it SO BAD .... HELLLLPPPP MEEEEEE!" and they all go running, everyone &amp; everything else is forgotten. And THESE PEOPLE KNOW IT. It's a tired card they play OVER and OVER and OVER again and just once I'd like to see someone say, "FINE -- go do it because you're going to anyway or else you're going to sap all the energy out of everyone and be back the next day for more."

Support in chat should NOT be a substitute for "having no life". Sorry if that sounds harsh. I KNOW what "struggling" is -- it's that thing you end up having to do ALONE. If they are REALLY struggling and I'm just not seeing it, then fair dinkum -- let there be one or two designated "buddies" for them to repeat their routine upon and leave the rest of us to get the support we need when we need it. I'm not just a taker, I give support too. Half the time when I go LOOKING for support I end up giving it when *I* see someone I think is more in need than myself. And like I said, the problem isn't just in THIS chat HERE -- it's EVERYWHERE. Or at least all the ones I've gone to. There's always a few of these type in every chat. And it takes EVERY ounce of energy *I* possess to just keep myself from (verbally) SMACKING them one.

[Malady156]

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(sigh, we have that habit, need to learn to break off into the other rooms!

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SkyBDark, that's a GREAT idea. They should have ONE ROOM SET ASIDE for those with "this issue" and let THEM go there and talk to others who share it and let them all drain each other out!!! And if they go into other rooms with it, kindly direct them back to the designated room for that thing.

[DocJohn]

Folks, chat is chat. It is, by its very nature and definition, a fluid and ever-changing environment. Expecting it to be A, B or C all the time, no matter what the circumstance or participants, is unrealistic. Here or in any online chat room.

In order for your needs to be met (online or in real life), we all have to learn to assert ourselves. This is not always easy and in fact, I think most people have troubles with doing so. Especially when we are hurting or in need the most. That is probably some sort of cruel irony, yet it's probably true for most....

The gist is simple -- if you need support at an especially difficult time, you have to go into chat and find a way to ask for it.

If others in the chat ignore you or continue their social chat, then yes, perhaps they are being thoughtless. Or perhaps they are not, because as others have said, it's hard to guess other people's motives without getting inside their heads. Regardless, you can ask again or come back another time when there are other, more thoughtful people in the room who will pause their social chat and try to be supportive of your immediate needs.

And this is not just directed at any one person...

As I said, chat is an ever-changing, fluid environment and it is best to acknowledge its nature rather than trying to force it into being something it's not. It's not for everyone.

DocJohn