[SandyWeb]

I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. It just keeps coming and coming, and I can't hide from it anymore. To face it is to die. And I don't know what to do.

[SweetCrusader]

Face what?

[Malady156]

what is it???

[SandyWeb]

I'm sorry for last night's post. I sometimes inadequately try to reach out for contact with another person. I say "inadequately" because I always take care of myself by myself.....and then when I feel the need to connect with another human, I really don't know how to express that. I don't focus on the details in my message because they are unimportant. What is important is the despair that I'm feeling. And it is becoming an entity that is beginning to overtake me. I could moan and groan and cry about all the details, and it still would not change what is. I need to medicate so much now just to dampen that despair.....and it really is a losing battle.

I'll return to lurker-dom now.

Sandy........stay.....and post......there's no one here judging you.......okay????? Pat

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with Pat ... no one on this board sits in their Ivory Tower and passes judgement on people (unlike on some other message boards ..)

I am glad you are here!

Take care,
Fuzzy

[SweetCrusader]

I just asked "face what?" because I wanted to know how I can help you better, Sandy

(((((hugs)))))

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Sandy. Please keep coming back. There are other specialized forums, too, where you can reach out for comfort and help to other members who have first-hand experience with exactly what you're going through.

Thank you for sharing.

[partlycloudy]

SandyWeb, sorry you are having another dark time. I'm trying to send some Florida sunshine your way, dear. Please hang in there and let us help if we can.

pc

Sandy,

What is going on with treatment for you? Are you taking meds? Are you receiving any counseling? Are the kids nearing the holiday break and is that placing more stress on you?

There isn't any reason for you to not reach out here. You know the guidelines of this site so you are aware of what is and isn't allowed. There is ample room for expression here.

I worry when you say you need to medicate to dampen the despair. Are you talking about self medicating with alcohol? Do you have left over meds from previously that you are currently using?

You don't have to answer any of these questions. Just know that people here care and can only support you from their computers if you allow that.

As for real life support I'm very concerned about how alone you are sounding. Is that correct? Are you completely without a single caretaking agency for your health??

Despair doesn't have to be held alone. Many here are willing to share in some of that burden. That is the beautiful thing about support forums............many people here understand how you are feeling and genuinely have a space in their heart for you. Whether or not you believe that isn't important. I know it to be true. 'nuff said.

[SandyWeb]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I know I don't open myself up too much to people, so I really do appreciate that you wrote to encourage me. I was scared to read them all because I am not thick-skinned and get hurt extremely easily. Thanks for being so nice.

PC: I sent you a PM. Thanks, hun!

Zen: Hi sweetie. It is so good to hear from you. I wish you all the best, you know. You're the "tough love" lady! Lol! I hope you are doing well.

As to your questions: I have a therapist, but I've only seen her twice. I keep cancelling because...like I said....I tend to take care of myself by myself. It has worked for years....but now, of course, I seem to sputter and tip! But it is sooo difficult for me to actually expose myself to someone......I just can't seem to be that open with someone....I guess because of my abusive marriage. Who knows and who cares? It is what it is.....and I take care of myself. But I seem to be failing now. I have another appointment on the 17th, and I think I will show up for that one. For no other reason other than to say that I'm thinking of cutting again.

I take my meds, and I don't self-medicate with alcohol or illegal substances. I'm a good girl. Lol. But when I find that despair coming on, I tend to take more meds just to save myself. I can't think beyond the next few minutes in front of me. Maybe I will think far enough ahead to figure out what I'll make for supper that night, but then my brain begins to send out feelers to think even further into the future.....and I CAN"T do that.....that brings on the despair. I can NOT think beyond my immediate few minutes.....and by "over medicating", that helps to keep my focus on the immediate timeframe. I can't think beyond or I'll cut.

Well, I guess that was more than I thought I would say. The only time I've ever cut myself was a few months/weeks before I made my suicide attempt. And now I'm thinking of cutting again. So I need to DAZE myself....where I can't think past the immediate few minutes that I exist within. Make sense?? I don't know. But I'm struggling again. And I appreciate that people heard my inadequate attempt to connect with someone. It's a tough road, isn't it?

Take care.

Sandy