I don't know anymore. I used to speculate back and forth about what my feelings might be, but I got lost somewhere, and now I can't find any answers anywhere.

See, I'm in a state of "hate" half the time, usually half of my day has to do with me holding back violent thoughts and feeling hate towards everything. I tried to use the word "anger" to describe how I feel, but it doesn't exactly fit to what I feel, so I just call it hate. I don't know when it started, I don't know why it's here, and now I don't know what it could be generalized into.

My hate is pretty intense. I just hate everything. I don't want to indulge in pleasurable activities, I don't want to make friends, I don't want happiness. All I want is to get on with my life, and make everyone else happy... But when I see people faring better than me AND enjoying the pleasures of life (which I'm guessing I'm biologically incapable of feeling), it fuels my hatred. I oftentimes get homicidal thoughts, thinking on how I would react if someone made fun of me for not enjoying life, which always ends up in someone being murdered by me. I also have suicidal thoughts, but they're not actually bent on ending my life -- I get them when I'm losing control, and I want to either go unconscious and let it all pass by, or survive and end up in the hospital, under the care of doctors and nurses that might be able to aid me in my problems.

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist and I got an appointment with a psychiatrist for the 23rd of this month, but the question will always be there... Why do I feel this way? I used to associate it with depression, anxiety, ADHD (I have it), and even panic attacks (which I get)... Put the longer I feel these feelings, I lose all track of what I was speculating.

So, my question: Could my hate be considered depression, anxiety, stress...? According to you, in your own personal opinion. All I need is your opinions. Thanks!

PS: I'm forgetting to write a few things, but I'm fearing that someone will enter this room and read what I'm writing, and the last thing I need is someone I know to learn about my problems.

[wisewoman]

My guess is that it is depression. I have had what I believe to be similar feelings. Try an anti-depressant?

Okay, depression sounds good. I used to think it was depression, since I didn't care about anything anymore and didn't find any fun in things I used to enjoy on a daily basis. (See? I'm reading the replies and I didn't leave my thread as a rant-thread! )

By the way, I forgot to add: I don't have triggers for my feelings. They're just there, all the time, every day. I distract myself half the time by listening to music, playing games, or socializing (right after distracting myself, so I listen to music to calm myself down, then I'm able to socialize normally). And, of course, there ARE triggers which increase the intensity of the feelings, but that's normal for every feeling, so yeah.

[Junerain]

((((((((((((((((((((Kewkky)))))))))))))) I, too, have hatred at the world for what it seems the same reasons as you, others, don't seem to be able to relate to me, to get me, to understand me, and they seem to have less problems, than I do......how, sad.......you seem to have anger TURNED INWARD, instead of outwardly yelling, cursing, mocking, you seem to want to make these people realize just what they put you through, a more, planned out, anger, than outbursts...just as unhealthy, though....you know how you think of being, in the hospital? I've been in and you're right- the nurses take wonderful care of you and after being there I felt truly healed!! The hospital is a true, real option to consider...if it gets too much this life...People always tell me, when it seems others don't have problems, that the opposite is true, they do, you and I just don't know, what they are........I care about you, Kewkky, please write more, and feel free to PM me, too...((((Kewkky)))

Wow, thats quite á bit of writing... I feel special someone wrote that much for me.

I've never been hospitalized for longer than an hour. Last time I was in a hospital for my own sake was when my brother threw me a sunblock bottle and broke my head in the middle of a fight we were having (which, as fate may have it, I forgot all about it), so I had to get a number of stitches... But that was a LONG time ago, and I consider it stupid sibling fights.

Yeah, I try to keep my anger inside me 'cause I fear that if I release it, I'll release a life's worth of hatred unto whoever forced me to lose control and end up in jail and my future ruined... The only moments I will allow myself to lose control are when I'm attacked/mugged (which I will resort to extreme physical means, since I have a valid excuse for whatever I'll do), and uncalled-for verbal assault (which I will resort to my own version of verbal assault, which is a barrage of psychological warfare rather than insults and the breaking of objects). Other than that, I tend to hold my anger in when it mixes with my hate. When it doesn't, I simply express it like a normal human being does: with harmless frustration and lots of sighing.

I know it's unhealthy to be full of these emotions all the time, but it's not something I can turn on and off. It's always there, growing, feeding off of anything and everything, clawing at my insides, trying to find a way out in which it can express its massive loathe to the world around it... Sometimes it gets so incredibly overwhelming that my hands tremble and I cry silently because I can't find a worthy outlet for my hate, and at other times I get urges to bash my head as hard as possible against a wall in order to lose consciousness.

I can't find the reason for this, and I can't remember the first time I felt this way. I've pushed away all pleasure-inducing activities, from playing games alone, to falling in love, to sex itself, because I find it difficult to get these feelings out of my way. Hopefully I'll fix this problem ASAP and be able to improve my life quality, along with the other episodes I experience that I haven't found explanation for.

Thanks for the message, Junerain! I hope you, too, find and stem the root of your suffering from your body.