[candistyx]

I'm scared, overwhelmed, burned out, desperate and generally feel like %#@&#!, I started sinking a couple of weeks ago but I thought "its not that bad, I can handle it" I of course skirted over the fact that sinking gets worse over time.
If my memory is correct this doesn't really stop until febuary or something. I don't think I can handle this until then. I don't think I can cope. On a more general level I don't think I am, or have been coping, at all, in life, for a very long time. I don't think I am who I am, I don't think I am what I am, I think that what I am is so directed by ceirtain thoughtforms, that I can't express my truth, I am so driven by some false truth implanted in me.

I feel alternatly like escaping everything by any means possible, the only means that seems possible of course is sleep and death, and on the other hand I am terrified of anihilation, of being alseep and missing the reality that I am supposed to fight. Of being dead alive as it were I am veryy scared.

And I don't know what to do, I can wait it out, waste another 5 years not living my life, being compelled by things that aren't me, that exist with the desire to destroy me to fulfil and image. Or what? Whats the alternative. People tell me to change my thoughts? Well I can't. Is it wrong of me to say that? If I am wrong tell me how! You don't realise how deep this lies. Its burned into my head, it won't ever fade I can't make it go away.
People tell me I need to reach out for help that I don't need to be alone. But I do, I need to be alone, I can hide so much better when I am alone, I am a totally different person when I am with other people, they compell me to act totally contrary to my nature, I don't feel myself when I am with other people - I am trapped inside watching myself live and I am not a part of it - and if I force myself to be there and be a part of it I am lost as to how to be, I just slink away from all the terror, or overact and act out. Its only when I am alone that I am me. So how is people going to be any help to me? The person I am when I am with other people wants me dead. I want to avoid being her. I don't like her.
And I know I should, I should try to love her, because she needs to be loved, but she hates me so much, she hurts me so much, how can I love someone who hurts me so much?

I just don't know what to do. I want a way out that works, that I am not terrified of. People say that if I want it enough fear wouldn't stop me! Ha! What sort of fear do they have? It can't be like this.

[allautumn]

You're afraid of stagnation, of a living death. You feel like you are wasting time in your life. You feel like you can't change these thoughts, and I agree, when we're depressed, it's all we can do to press on though plagued by them. We have the power to alter our own minds, but an illness is an illness, and these are symptoms beyond our control... and there are treatments.
What is it that keeps you from your truth? What is it that compells you to act contrary to your nature? Do you need to please people? Do you fear rejection? Do you get frustrated by anxiety in groups of people? Or is it the exhaustion of feeling numb and disconnected by depression? All of these things can be changed, with the right support.
Look to your truth, and ask your self what you want. If you could do one life-changeing thing right now, what would it be? Don't think about plausability, just think about what you WANT. A change of job? An educational course on a subject you enjoy? A group activity, joining a club? Travel? Sometimes what seems impossible to get is not as far away as we think. We're just so worried about failing that we can't even try. No one can tell you not to be afriad. Facts is facts, you're scared. That won't change until you prove to your self that you don't have to be.
If you continue to do the same thing, you will get the same result. If you've been hiding, things will not improve if you continue to hide. You recognize that. That's why you're here. Something inside you IS reaching out, as much as you are afraid of that. Some part of you brought you to this place, as a first step maybe. And we're really glad you're here. Keep hanging on until you see light, it will come. Please talk to counselor, and keep posting. We're all here for you.

[candistyx]

if I could do one life changing thing right now... I'd slaughter everyone and start again.
But that would be wrong.
I'd wipe out civilisation. I dunno.
Thats all I can think about, destroying things. I want to be absolved of that, I want to want something creative instead.

[candistyx]

I mean I keep thinking "I could massacare a bunch of people" it wouldn't quite fulfil the utter disintegration of society but it would at least be something, something would change. For one I would spend the rest of my life in prison and all the stuff I've been working towards will be impossible.
I dunno. I don't know what I want. I want to dance on the stars and create everything. I want to touch something.

I want to be real.

I don't think I exist at all I think, I don't know. I don't know what I want, and I dont know what I am afraid of. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of nothing, it depends on my mood I dont know.

[(JD)]

(((((candi))))) I'm praying for you.

Please try and talk to your counselor and obtain the professional help you need. That is hard to do, and fearful... find your strength and do it, for you.

[allautumn]

That sounds familiar to me. I used to be on a mission from god. Satan used to come into my bedroom at night and discuss my fate with two of his 'angels'. I saw a holy war between demons and angels, and demons came around me constantly. Voices told me the "cosmic truth". The world was slated for flood, or somesuch thing, and I was chosen to survive a test that would destroy most of mankind. I dreamed of armageddon, and the part I would play in the end of this world, and the beginning of the new one. And the meek would inherit the earth. I had become hyper-religious, as well as having a lot of seemingly way-out beliefs that scared others, but I thought were my salvation. At one point I belived I had "fallen", that only evil spirits wanted me because I was so evil inside that nothing good would come near me. Homicidal and suicidal thoughts happened frequently at this time.
Then I learned more about mental illness, and realized these thoughts, hallucinations, and conterfactual beliefs were derived from chemical imbalance, which is worsened by the hormone changes at puberty. Which also accounted for the paranoia, depression, psychotic symptoms and mood swings. It took me a long time to figure that out, and in the mean time I was hospitalized and medicated. It took me a longer time to realize that I was ultimately responsible for my own mental health, and that the more I bought into these ideas, the less chance I had of getting better.
I hope that you can get help and come to the other side of this. Take a look at the article Malady posted, the chemical imbalance one. It may explain some of this for you.