[obsids]

*sigh*

Today, when I logged into my Live Journal and another yahoo group to which I belong, I discovered that an aquaintance had passed away. Sad, yes... but here is what is bothering me... it doesn't matter to me. I didn't even react to the news. The only thing I reacted to was the fact that one of the posts was an email from someone... an ex-friend... who betrayed me in a very bewildering way. I felt a momentary surge of panic and anger at the sight of his name. But then I didn't care. Sometimes being so heavily medicated is disturbing to me, and other times it is a relief. Right now, I am just a little confused. Am I making any sense?

Obsidian

yes, you're making sense. i understand your feelings of being panicky and angry.......you may not have been in a place to respond to the news of the acquaintance passing away. that might come later. just try to hang in there and i'll keep you in my thoughts. pat

[sqrlb8]

man, that's right at the heart of the matter isn't it? How medicated do I have to be to cope, vs how numb to life's realities do I have to be? A never ending challenge for some of us.

It's always worth re examining, but you need to do that in a collaborative way if possible, with your doc. When I'm dealing with si, that's serious. I need help. In some other regards, i'm able to control my environment to some degree of success. There isn't a formula.

The feelings you describe seem like my own, I recognize them completely. Advice: just dont be rash.

This aspect of illness/treatment has become my personal avocation in some sense. I'd be happy to talk honestly with you about it at any length.

It's good you're here, for starters, comparing notes and experiences together empowers us that much more in the decision making processes we face.

[Wants2Fly]

RE: How medicated do I have to be to cope, vs how numb to life's realities do I have to be? A never ending challenge for some of us.

Sqrlb8, you seem to have summed up an important nub of an important matter.

I don't know how to help you, Obsids, but I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly. Hugs, if you want 'em.

[shakes]

There is no right or wrong way to deal with death. While you may be right that your meds are contributing you could just be going through a cycle of dealing with what you have heard. Do not be so hard on yourself.

Jessica

[SpazKatt]

I'm sorry for your loss *hugs* I understand how you feel and all of those feelings are totally normal!

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
*sigh*

Today, when I logged into my Live Journal and another yahoo group to which I belong, I discovered that an aquaintance had passed away. Sad, yes... but here is what is bothering me... it doesn't matter to me. I didn't even react to the news. The only thing I reacted to was the fact that one of the posts was an email from someone... an ex-friend... who betrayed me in a very bewildering way. I felt a momentary surge of panic and anger at the sight of his name. But then I didn't care. Sometimes being so heavily medicated is disturbing to me, and other times it is a relief. Right now, I am just a little confused. Am I making any sense?

Obsidian

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Obsidian,

What you describe is certainly a feature of depression, and one I have been familiar with. The depressed mind doesn't react with the warmth of emotion that we remember from better times but it's always ready to trigger.

Seeing the name of someone who hurt you is a classic trigger in depression and the mind will flag up a warning as quick as lightning. The depressed mind always seems to focus on itself, maybe it's a defensive reaction.

On a positive note, I think that the fact you are sharing this worry indicates that you are feeling for your friend at some level, even if the feeling is masked by the illness.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen.

[obsids]

Thank you to everyone who responded. Myzen, thank you for your insight. It makes a lot of sense to me, especially the part about how I was triggered just seeing the name of my ex-friend.

Obsidian