[iamteddies]

I have a sister who is very troubled.We come from an extremely abusive past.Emotionally sexually and physically.My sister started cheating on her husband since less than a year after they were married and has continued this behaviour for 25 years.Also she has said she did not love him in the first few months and continued to say this.She has put him down and argued steady,loud rage filled fights.Granted her husband has been cold and unsupportive of her through the years.I would be too.She demands trust on the basis that she won`t cheat again though she always does.She controls where he goes and for how long.He is ofcourse allowed to work.Yet she has spied on him to see if he is looking at any pretty girls who may be near their job site.She starts huge fights because while driving he may have glanced at a girl.She claims he is lusting and demands to know what he is thinking.She starts huge fights if she thinks she has evidence in his underwear of him masturbating when he should have wanted her.Personally I could not want a spouse who cheated too many times to count.He is not allowed to masturbate and she is always checking and asking and accusing him of lying.Yet she has many different vibrators she uses.She feels he should not mind her hanging out with past lovers cause she does not have sex with them now.He is not allowed to stop for coffee with my husband cause he may be a abd influence on hers.My husband is one of the most gentle kind giving person I have ever since who seldoms drinks and very little when he does.Yet she goes to night clubs regularly alll night .She takes several hours to get ready though she says she is only going to dance.She is stoned on pot and I am fairly sure other drugs based on her eyes and behaviour.Is drunk constantly.This is all told from her side of the story and what I see.Not his side ,he rarely says a word about her.He has never hit her,worked hard and buys her anything she wants.Including all new furniture,curtains clothes dishwasher stove fridge brand new expensive vehicle at 600 a month.Plus a spending allowance,big and cell phone.Yet he is no good according to her.He has been a great dad taking the family to lakes picnics camping boating and vacations,private schools.All from his hard earned money as a self employed framer.I have to listen to her tell me how bad she has it,how terrible he is,and this is her excuse for drinking and drugging and partying.She cheated many times cause he lusted.She goes on and on and on year after year getting worse and worse.The oldest boys are away from home and she was a good mom ,very good .The youngest who is 15 is often at our house as the figjhts are almost steady.The husband is becoming suicidal and does not know what to do.She says she hates deceit yet conceals the amount of alcohol and drugs she uses.She thinks she is fooling her and my kids about her smoking.I smoke but openly.I told her to leave if he is so bad.She won`t.I see her destroying herself with hate ,pride,and drugs.A weight comes into the room when she comes over.We have always been very close and I love her dearly.She was warm hearted to her brothers and sisters and a huge help to many of them for years.She was a wonderful mom.She was wonderful to everyone but her husband.I know what a bad husband is about .I had a few who beat me,drank,took all the money I had ,said horrible things,abused me every way till it nearly destroyed me,until I met my present husband whom she thinks I should leave , cause he is not perfect.I am scared she may have a bad accident or overdose.I am so scared I am angry at her.I am, angry she refuses to forgive or see the seriousness of her behaviour.My mom says do not talk to her ,it is not loving,it is beating her over the head.I feel real love mandates I do something.I know her husband is cold ,neglects her sexually,but you cannot hate someone and force them to love you.I am feeling angry and lost and confused it is hard to listen after so many hours for so many years.Plus the alcohol and drug abuse is out of control.Please help me with some advice.Tell you about some of the others later wh9o always come to me for every kind of help and it is draining me as I have suffered serious mental illness due to my childhood ,poor spouses and too much overload.I am working well I have serious lung problems ,some heart problems.I go to hospital for oxygen sometimes.Take inhalers prednisone,had heart and lung surgery in the past.Work as a housekeeper,and take anti depressants and clonazepam.Used to take risperdal.Again please help me I am worn out and scared for them and me.

[vacantangel]

iamteddies

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this with your sister. You obviously love her very much and that shows in your concern for her and her marriage. Unfortunately, you are doing this to the point that it is affecting you as well.

To me, it is obvious that your sister and her husband need some marriage therapy. It looks like she is looking for evidence in his behaviour that she does herself. If she is going to continue to complain to you about her unhappy life, then why don't you suggest therapy to them, if you haven't already. If you've done this and she refuses, then there is nothing much more that you can do for them other than pray, if you are so inclined.

You have to start putting your own health above your love for your sister. Believe me, I know how hard that could be for you but if you are not healthy, then what help are you going to be for your own family and hers. I think the relationship you have with her has become toxic for you. I would have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her the effect that this is having on you and that you have to think about your own health and family and you can no longer help her if she is going to continue in her free for all lifestyle and not get any help for herself and her marriage. If she's unwilling to help herself, there is nothing you can do for her. I know that is hard to watch somebody you love behave in a way that is extremely unhealthy for them. I would also suggest that you get therapy for yourself so that you can learn to cope with dealing with this whole situation and putting your own health above that of your sister's. This is probably one of those situations where 'tough love' may need to be applied. You could tell your sister that you're willing to be there for her to support her but only on the condition that she actively do something to help herself but you must also put yourself first and tell her how it is affecting you. I know this is very difficult for you to do and that's where I think that therapy could help you with that and possibly your husband's support as well.

I hope that my advice is not off base and that it doesn't offend you. I'm not belittling the love you have for your sister in the least but she has to want to help herself too and you need to tell her what this is doing to you. Maybe even telling her just that will wake her up to do something about her own life when she finds out that you are being affected in a very negative way.

I hope it also doesn't offend you but I'm going to say some prayers for both you and your extended family. Please keep talking about it and keep us posted on what is going on. I hope that you will be strong enough to start putting your own health, physical, emotional and mentally ahead of that of your sister's, even though you love her very much. My heart goes out to you sweetie. This is one tough situation that you are in. I hope that you will find the strength to make yourself the priority. I know we tend to put our own selves last while trying to help those that we love but there comes a time when we have to draw boundaries andd that's what I think you need to do with your sister. Take care sweetie. ((((((((((((iamteddies))))))))))

[iamteddies]

Angelgirl,
Thank you so much for your help and advice.I am definately not offended at anything you said as it is good solid honest advice.I am also not offended that you will pray for me as I believe in prayer.I am grateful for your taking time to help me.
iamteddies

[vacantangel]

I'm glad that I didn't offend you in any way. It's obvious how much you love and care for your sister and I didn't want my post to come across as minimizing that. I hope you find some resolution that is satisfying for everyone involved soon. Please keep us posted as to what is happening and for support. (((((((((((iamteddies)))))))))

[Wants2Fly]

Hi JT -- Welcome to the Forum.

Family dysfunction can be sooooo hard to cope with.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((jt)))))))))))))))))))))

wow, you've got more than a full plate. please repeat after me, "i'll put myself and my family first from now on"....say that about 12 times. i know that you love your sister but your health is such that taking on her problems will only hurt you.....please take care and keep us posted. pat

[Mahali]

I agree you have a lot going on in your life. It is no wonder that you are worn out.

Your sister (in my opinion) is using her situation as an excuse for bad behavior. Then she is coming to you and asking you to tell her that it is alright because her husband is cold.

She probably stays because if she left it would take away her excuses not to mention her finances.

I don't want to be cruel or say bad things about your sister...but she is bringing you down with her.

I agree with Fayerody...you have to start thinking of you and yours first. Your health and well being need to be put at the front. Take care of you...you deserve it.

I am sorry if I am out of line but I am worried for you.

Please take care.

[iamteddies]

Poohbah,
I will say that 12 times every day hopefully it sinks in until I can do it.Thanks so much

[iamteddies]

Place,
You are so right in everything you said.It is so so sad but your are right.One thing I cannot do is tell her it is okay because her husband is cold, it is not okay ,I love her too much to lie to her,but I seem to freeze with fear to tell her the truth.I fear she will feel rejected and unloved.Still I know every single thing you say is true, I know it in my heart.I am so grateful to all you who have cared enough to answer me and with truth.Thankyou

[iamteddies]

Your empathy means so much

[Mahali]

iamteddies,

I just wanted to get back with you and let you know there are people who care.

It is so hard to tell the truth when we fear the truth will hurt. I hope you can find a way to work through this and keep yourself safe.

Please try and find a way to take care of your needs.