so worried, sometimes scared

i have been struggling to help my partner while she's been having major issues with agoraphobia. she is so scared to leave the house, and often when she does, it's so highly emotional that it makes things really scary. i'm at work today and she just sent me a message that she made it to her therapy place but something must have happened on the way. she said she didn't even want to go see her therapist and shouldn't have left the house and she just wants to SI. i wish i could help her, and i know she really needs to see her therapist. i'm still worried that she won't even want to talk to her therapist about the issues she's having or the feelings she's experiencing because they are stupid and it's her fault. i try to tell her that she really does need to talk about those feelings, and it's not her fault, they are not stupid... it means something is going on. i want her to get help.

she drives herself to her appointments, but that's all the driving she usually does in the week... being on the road is a really stressful thing for her a lot of the time, and it's because of what the other people are doing around her. when other people cut her off or drive too close or do anything to make her feel like she's been disrespected or in danger it really makes her upset. she gets so emotional about the fact that those people are doing things wrong and trying to hurt her. it makes her feel trapped and in danger when people are in her way (either driving in a way that isn't predictable, or if they made a bad decision. it also applies to biking or walking, if someone is blocking her path when biking - or if cars or other bikes don't give her the right of way when she has the right, or if the sidewalk is blocked by someone who won't allow her room also when she is walking home, that makes her get mad. she feels like they are trying to put her in harms way and that their behavior means that she doesn't deserve to exist or have any sort of safe space).

i just wanted to rant a little because i have been really drained by her agoraphobia. every time she leaves the house i get nervous because something might happen that makes her explode with anger (at herself) and others - and usually that doesn't help the situation. i feel better when i'm with her because i try to at least model different behavior. when someone is in my way on a sidewalk or something (many people don't pay attention, and that's just how it is in this world... people are more self-absorbed and have a lot going on, so it's hard to pay attention to everything and everyone) i at least try to say, "excuse me, i'd like to get through" or "could you please step aside? thanks" because often, i find that it's an easy solution. i don't believe those people hate me and don't think i deserve to get where i'm going, i just think they're not aware... and i try to bring attention to it and move along. however, when my partner leaves the house when i'm at work or when i can't be with her, i have been increasingly nervous. i'm afraid that when i come home tonight she will be a complete mess because of whatever happened on the way to her appt. things like that stick with her for a long time. it will be a focus of her anger and continuing agoraphobia and self-hatred.

i want to try to let go of the things i can't control. i just care about her so much and i want to help. i want to be there for her, but i'm not always sure what the best kind of support is. i am such a caregiver at heart that i give myself away entirely sometimes. i know i need to take care of myself. i'm trying, but it's so hard. i love my partner and i want her to feel safe and respected and she deserves to feel safe. thanks for letting me get this out.

Alls I can say is loving her is all you can do. Trying to defuse situations when you can and support her efforts to get help.

thanks.

i had a chat with her last night, and she told me i often have good suggestions for ways to deal with situations - things she never would have thought about. i'm glad to hear that at least. i know she's trying.