[Bmee2]

As my mom's caregiver, i am at depressive loss. She blames me for not knowing what she is thinking. She blames me for not keeping track of her appointments...she blames me when she loses important stuff. Then she gets upset when she does something and I have to help her up off the floor. i get angry when she does stuff and falls. i try to hide it but i get frustrated because i do not want her to get hurt. Yet she cannot accept that she cannot do all that she used to do. So once again i cancelled my pdoc appointment. Afraid to leave her alone. Frustrated because cannot afford someone to come in and stay with mom. Frustrated that it is so hard to do everything alone. i have no friends in the same city to help me. My relatives are seniors too. My neighbors? Mom forbids them in her business for it will be up and down the entire block. What do I do? i cry very quietly inside a pillow. I write my whine here. i talk to pdoc's phone message.
Suck in the feelings. Make like all is okay...be cheerful.
Strange thought....SI thought. That will not help anything...only make everything harder.
Feeling like a failure.
well had better go fake happiness and see about making something for lunch for mom. Work on cleaning....you suck at that too i know....but try...there is no one else to help you.

[Perna]

Oh, Bmee! How rough it is for you. I have a site I loved when my stepmother was ill/dying:

http://caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/home.jsp

Look at your post you wrote above and maybe journal about it; figure out a "plan" or list of things to do/think for each situation? I would ignore the not-knowing-what-she's-thinking blame and try to "laugh" at it since it's impossible. Make a little joke about how she may have known what you were thinking when you were a child but she's not a child so you don't have the advantage there. Apologize cheerfully that you weren't able to meet her need then, but what would she like right now and you will try to get it for her?

Can you keep track of her appointments? My husband and I have a little calendar just for that, our appointments and he's the keeper but I remind him or check every now and then. Just express an interest every now and then and ask, "When is that so-and-so doctor's appointment again, I've forgotten?" and thus keep it in both of you all's mind?

I remember my stepmother's mother's doctor explaining to my stepmother that it was impossible to stop someone from falling; both because one cannot be "there" all the time and because the "surprise" of the fall, even if one is walking with someone, there's just no way to keep someone upright with only an arm around an arm (although he did teach her how to "correctly" hook her arm around her mother's to provide the most support). Does your mother have/use a walker or cane or anything?

You have to go out sometime; to the food store, etc.; I would make your own schedule and get to the doctor for yourself -- as you have pointed out you cannot take good care if you are not taking care of yourself, if you are so depressed and unsupported! Your health is just as necessary and important as getting food! Maybe you can coordinate your and your mother's appointments so they overlap some? You can talk to her doctors about the problems you are facing caring for her and get their help both with her and maybe for yourself.

[madisgram]

when i was caretaking a family member i was in a free support group for caregivers. it was stated, we lose more caretakers than we lose the patients. caretaking is exhausting. it is very, very important you have time for yourself. it is a recipe for disaster if we don't. (i had a srroke caregiving).
i googled for state, county elderly support for low income and found a state run plan to provide me with a cpn twice a week for a nominal fee. they also placed him in a adult senior daycare for 5 hours, 4 days a week. it is important that one use only the loved one's income to assess needs. i paid nothing for this service. i also got meals on wheels 5 days a week to help with food costs-free.
the badgering get can also wear you down. this is a challenge to deal with. if it were me i'd ask her does she want another kind of living arrangement and if so can she afford it? of course her answer will be no. tell her how she makes you feel. tell her you are trying to allow her to live contently but her criticism sounds like she is not appreciative for all you do.( it sounds like she has dementia. so she can still understand your remarks.)
holding in your frustrations, etc can cause depression in you. you don't deserve to be held hostage in your own home nor have a feeling of hopelessness.
i do hope you can get help...not only for your mom but for you. you are doing such a loving act. i applaud you for taking on this responsibility. also do you have siblings who can lighten your burden and help care for her too?

[Bmee2]

Everyone thank you so much for writing back to me. I do not have any siblings. Most of my relatives are in there late sixties or seventies. I was a surprise mid-late life baby. I am worn out trying to find my own therapist, and find a way to afford some kind of help, and be compassionate towards my mom who is frustrated with her limitations. My Pdoc is trying to help me. She even sees my mom and me together every three weeks. I hope with her help I will be able to get some help so I can get back to ceramics. It is so easy to lose oneself when you do not have any help. Plus insurance has decided that a reduction in my medication was better than my normal dosage. So .... there you have it.
I just wanted to thank you for responding to my message. It really makes me feel less alone.