[michelle421]

my partner is really having a crisis day. it's unbelievably hard for me on days like this, and i really don't know what to do. i dont know what i can even try to do to help because it seems like everything i try doesn't get anywhere near helping.... it's just one thing after the next and it is the end of the world and i feel so paralyzed not knowing how to help in the least.

i want to explain some of the things i heard today from my partner in case someone, anyone has ANY advice on how to help de-escalate the crisis moment. ...it began with my partner's trouble getting ready to leave for school, then she couldn't find her gloves, and then she got upset, then broke her desk.... and so on and so on (this whole time i was at work and she was chatting with me to let me know what was up... and it just got worse...)

things she said in the middle of huge crisis moment today (the stuff in parentheses are my words/comments):

i never make it on time, i don't know why i ever pretend i will
everything is broken
i fail school
i fail life ("i fail" was repeated a LOT in the conversation)
i can't (so many "i can't"s!! "i can't do this", "i can't live like this")
i ruin everything
i'm not ok; i'm not going to be ok (another one said over and over)
i can't get my meds; they won't give me my meds; i don't get to have medical care; ...because i am bad
i am bad (again, over and over and over and over and over; and i really hate hearing it because i disagree so entirely)
i'm worthless
i'm never going to be anything
i am less than
i'm sorry ("i'm sorry for being bad"; "i'm sorry for failing"; "i'm sorry i ruin everything"; "i'm sorry i exist"; "i'm sorry i let you need me", i'm sorry over and over)
i'll lose points because i skip school like a loser (i don't understand this because i don't consider it skipping school when she has an illness and she won't make it to school because she is in crisis)
i will be in big trouble for missing class (i don't see how this could be true, she's in college)
it's ok if i get in trouble because i deserve it
i will be punished for it and i deserve the hurt
you don't make enough money to waste it on me
how can you not see that i am bad when everyone else knows it?
i am like a bag of bricks you are stuck carrying around, but i guess you like it and that just makes me sad for you (i REALLY hate it when she does things like this to twist my words. in these moments i just try to tell her how much i care about her and how important she is even when she doesn't feel that way, but then she takes it in and makes herself feel bad because she turns it into her fault that i like and care about her and she is a bad person for deceiving me)

i feel like she's sinking. i know i have been through something similar before, and i believe we will make it through this, but it's so hard to know that when all the stuff i hear from her is... .well, all this really terrible negative stuff. sometimes i am able to tell her how much i love her and try to counter her ideas with other thoughts... but today she just wouldn't listen. everything i said would just fuel her fire... and she fueled her own fire well enough.

i know it was a really bad time for her today. i am slightly worried about going home to see the damage. she had decided at some point during our conversation that she would take her meds that knock her out so she could sleep through the afternoon (i'm SO glad she did, otherwise i would worry all night). ugh. and on top of all this, it just sucks that i don't really have any friends to turn to irl to help me through this. ....oh, and i haven't seen my T in weeks because she suddenly broke her foot and needed emergency surgery and i haven't heard back from her since about when she will return to work. *sigh*

well here i go... leaving work to find out what's next.

[NuckingFutz]

Wow, I've felt like that before. I've had a lot of experience since then and still work on this.

I think one tool to help her is something called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" or CBT.

There are many negative distortions that we tell ourselves so much, that we actually begin to believe them, then we come to expect them and then sometimes, they actually happen because our subconcious mind heads in that direction.

However, I am including a link for you called "Taming the Monsters". These "monsters" are referred to in this article as "automatic negaive thoughts or ANTS.

It's a simple list of how we distort our negative thoughts into beliefs and how we can undo them with work. The link I am providing is not just a list you look over once and say to yourself "okay, I read it, I'll do it". It's something you have to read and reread and read again to train our thoughts back into reality and into a more positive frame of mind.

I have this list on my calendar and my purse and I refer to it often, especially if I am feeling negative.

So here is the link... please let me know if it helps... it will work for both of you, not just her...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...ruin-life.html

Please let me know if this helps.

[Confusedinomicon]

If she is concerned about school, have her email professors. Generally they are understanding. This way the professors can tell her that if it is an emergency they understand. Most are generally friendly. Not sure about the other things, sorry.

((Michelle))

[Perna]

When everything is so very exaggerated as it sounds like your partner was expressing, I use humor on myself to get myself to realize how "ridiculous" it is. Taking individual mishaps to extremes is one way ("I'm going to be late to my own funeral") or otherwise mocking that aspect of myself and how I'm making things seem worse than they really are:

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me
Think I'll go and eat worms

http://bussongs.com/songs/nobody_likes_me_worms.php

A really good friend can do the same for me, remind me that it's not quite THAT bad. Be pleasant and "unworried" and tell her she has 5 minutes to grouse and so she better make the most of it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there! You are in my thoughts

[sabby]

Hi michelle,

I'm so sorry to hear of your partner's breakdown yesterday. I've been in your situation many times before and it's so uncomfortable isn't it? It does hurt to hear them say those very negative things about themselves when we see wonderful things about them.

In my situation, what I understand to be happening is that something triggered my friend and brought them back to the time when they were taught all that negativity. In my friends case, it was drilled into her daily from a very young age on.

These are the times what I call being caught up in their own tornado. After riding that tornado with my friend for some time, I realized that it wasn't fair to her or myself to be doing that with her. It's not our tornado to ride. The tornado gains momentum when she pulls in every little thing and it becomes a large scale massive mess. I finally had to tell my friend that I could not and would not ride that tornado with her anymore. I stated all the positive things in her life in the "here and now". I reminded her how much I cared and that I wasn't going anywhere. I also told her that I would do my best to let her know when I saw that tornado start brewing so that she could work on putting a stopper into it and at best, help calm it down to a more manageable situation.

It took my friend awhile but not too too long to the point where she began to realize on her own when a tornado was building and she does a much better job at stopping or at the very least controlling it and not trying to get me sucked into it anymore. After one has happened and there is relative calmness again, it's a good thing to sit and discuss together what happened and point out some things to her that she may not be aware of when she's in that tornado.

Well, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I do understand. I hope today is a better day for you both!

Take care hon.

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((michelle))))))))))))))))))
beads really hqas no advice to add ta what these other ppls. has posted hear. we can tell you that beads is still learnign to 'control the tornadoes' before they get so full of wind. when you are in teh middle of it, it is sometiems very hard to see what you are doign to yourself. especially when this negative stuff is aqll you remember hearign from day one, adn still hear quite offen in the present day. just, well, please keep beign pateint with your partner adn try these suggestoins what ppls have give you. they are all awesome. your partner is very lucky ta have oyou around, care so much, adn be so supportive!
hang in their,
all of us beadies

[Gr3tta]

Hi Michelle! Thanks for posting it. I can really relate to both sides, so I am going to think carefully about how to respond. We'll probably pm you. For right now, know that you are not alone in this situation, we hear you, and are thinking about you. Just the fact that you are trying is so important, you don't have to have the right response all the time. ~Emma

[krazy_phoenix]

((((((((Michelle)))))))))
I'm sorry I have nothing really constructive to give you, but i just wanted to let you know how awesome I think you are. Truly awesome!
You are doing great things.
We are hearing you...


kp

[michelle421]

thank you everyone. it's been a busy week, but i have been thinking a lot about what you have all said, and i really appreciate it. i will get back to you with more thoughts when i have a moment, but i'm at work right now.

just one little update. by the middle of the week, i had learned that my partner was not taking her anti-depressant meds anymore because she ran out and thought that she couldn't get any more because her pharmacy hasn't been helpful to her in the last few times she's dealt with them (her words are, "they want me to die, so they aren't going to give me my meds") but i was able to call in and i ran and got her meds. though i did find out that there are more issues, because the pharmacy and her psychiatrist are clearly not communicating well. there are issues with my partner's meds because they changed something without telling her, and they said it was the doctor that switched it. anyway... still more to figure out, but by the time she was able to tell me that she wasn't taking them because she didn't have anymore, things were not going well emotionally (hopefully we can work on communicating sooner to avoid days without meds!) it wasn't that hard for me, it just took a phone call, but she clearly wasn't able to handle that. at least i finally figured out what i could do to help.

*sigh* i'm going to my second meeting tonight to talk with other partners of people with mental illness. i'm excited to be able to talk to people irl who understand me as well.

thanks again for all the support and the advice. i'd like to spend time this weekend to reply to you all, so stay tuned.

[roses4me]

It is sad what we all have to struggle with.
I have anxiety disorders and my boyfriend is dependant. So we both have to function with the other's health issues.

I think it is great that you were able to get your partner's meds. When my boyfriend is in crisis, I ask him now if there is something I can do. Sometimes there is. Sometimes there isn't. And when I am in crisis, he asks me. ex. when I have anxiety about using the phone, he makes medical appointments for me. It takes him minutes. It would cause me anguish for days.

As for his tornados. (I don't get them.) I walk away. He drew me into them for about 5 years. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was functionning less and sometimes not at all because of his 'tornados'. Since I have been walking away, the threats have been less intense. I am not a doctor. It is not medical advice. I just couldn't take it anymore.

it is hard to know what to do when your partner is hurting
roses