[vintageromance]

I've been my mom's caretaker since I was 13 years old. I'm 21 now and it seems like my caretaking duties have grown. I used to just take care of her because she has terrible athritis in her hips and knees, but for a few years now she has been struggling with her arthritis plus colitis, diabetes and lymphedema.

She won't admit that I'm her caretaker (which hurts my feelings), but I know I am. I prepare meals for her, keep the house clean, taking her to appointments, etc. I don't mind doing these things for her and I do have time to myself, but sometimes it feels so overwhelming. I'm busy dealing with my own problems, so it's hard to carry hers as well. I don't know what to do. There is no one else to help her but me.

It's very stressful to see my mom in such bad shape. I've gotten used to seeing her walk with canes and deal with her arthritis, but I haven't gotten used to seeing her so sick because of the colitis. It's been so bad lately that she's had several accidents all over the floor because she couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. She was also just recently discharged from the hospital after staying there for about 1.5 weeks due to infection in her legs.

I'm sorry for typing so much, but I really need some support. No one I know understands what it's like to be a caretaker. It doesn't seem fair. I'm only 21. My mom is only 55. This shouldn't be happening until we're both much older. I'm just so tired. I need some support and encouragement from those who understand what this is like. Any advice or kind words would be appreciated.

[arcangel]

I'm not sure if I can come across with any advice but I think what you are doing is admirable. What you're doing is the truest form of love I can imagine. It may help just to post your thoughts and feelings. I think it's okay if you just want to vent a few frustrations here. If you want to speculate on why your mom refuses to acknowledge that you are her caregiver, that might help you.

[wing]

wow, vr, you are doing so much! i agree that posting your thoughts here will be a good catharsis for you.

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by arcangel

I'm not sure if I can come across with any advice but I think what you are doing is admirable. What you're doing is the truest form of love I can imagine. It may help just to post your thoughts and feelings. I think it's okay if you just want to vent a few frustrations here. If you want to speculate on why your mom refuses to acknowledge that you are her caregiver, that might help you.

Thank you for your kind words. That means a lot to me, really. I think it hurts my mom to acknowledge that I'm her caretaker. She has said a few times, "I'm supposed to be taking care of you; not the other way around." I think maybe she feels burdensome and like a failure. Maybe it's just easier for her to see me as her daughter who simply helps her out instead of her daughter who is her caretaker. The label might be too much for her.

I don't have many complaints or frustrations. I have time to myself and sometimes she's able to help me a little bit by doing the dishes or folding clothes. Mostly, I just get worn out with the constant ups and downs all day. It's mostly like fetching that I do from day to day and that can be very tiring when all I want to do is sit down and unwind.

Sometimes she'll ask me if I'm up to doing something for her, and although I'm really not, I just grin and bear it. I can't say no to her because she needs me. It would hurt me too much to say no and then watch her struggle to do it herself instead. All of that adds up though and I'm already so stressed out, depressed, and anxious about a million other things and... I just want a break.

[arcangel]

I think you are probably right about about the reasons your mom doesn't acknowledge your role. Maybe that will help you deal with the feeling hurt part.
I sympathize w/ the weariness you're feeling and the need for a break. Doing what you're doing is tough. It was necessary for me to keep a constant watch on my mom.
I became her caregiver after she developed a slight dementia. At that time she had no trouble getting around. After a few incidents I learned to sleep with one eye and ear open. It's exhausting and stressful.
If you have a job or go to school that would be pretty much impossible for you.
What would you do if you had oh..like... a two week break?

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by arcangel

I think you are probably right about about the reasons your mom doesn't acknowledge your role. Maybe that will help you deal with the feeling hurt part.
I sympathize w/ the weariness you're feeling and the need for a break. Doing what you're doing is tough. It was necessary for me to keep a constant watch on my mom.
I became her caregiver after she developed a slight dementia. At that time she had no trouble getting around. After a few incidents I learned to sleep with one eye and ear open. It's exhausting and stressful.
If you have a job or go to school that would be pretty much impossible for you.
What would you do if you had oh..like... a two week break?

Yeah, you're right. After coming to the conclusion that I did about my mom, it did help a little. I don't feel so hurt anymore. The label of 'caretaker' isn't that important to me; it's more that I just wanted her to acknowledge the tremendous, often stressful work that I do for her.

Currently, I'm not in school and I don't have a job. I live with her, so I basically have all the time in the world to look after her. When she was in the hospital a few weeks ago, I had the whole house to myself. I could clean up when I wanted, only had to prepare meals for myself, and could lie around and do nothing. I was actually sort of depressed when I heard that she was coming home. That's what I'd do if I had another break. Just lie around and only tend to myself.

I do feel resentful about something. I'm engaged and plan to be married next September. Because I have to take care of my mom so much, I'll probably never be able to live anywhere else but at home. Our house is big enough to accommodate my fiancé, but it'd be so wonderful to be able to go out and choose my own house, a house that suits my fiancé and me. I feel so tied down. I know it's not her fault, but sometimes I wish I could just have more freedom to go where I want and do what I want.

Sorry for rambling on so much. I've just never had the opportunity to talk with anyone who understands what this is like. It's such a relief, really. Just this little bit of conversation has taken a lot of stress off my back. Thank you everyone.

[madisgram]

first of all you are an incredibly loving daughter. i have in the past caretaken my ex-husband and yes, it is exhausting and overwhelming. you might want to thread in coping with emotions forum too. pc is a very supportive site.

[serendipidy]

her pride is getting in the way, my mother did the same to me not acknowledge the extent of what I did for her...just be careful it does not become co dependant, then it just gets ugly.....you need help/respite.

it is this time in your life when you should be starting to build a life of your own dating, thinking about career, kids, this is why regular respite is important....you need to find someone who is able to give you periodic breaks regularly enough so that you do have a life of your own that when and if she is in hospital you have something to do other than clean the house up again.....you do not exist for your mother you are your own person and it is now that is the time to start to make that move to begin building it.....even if it is just making some friends to have coffee with once a week.

oh sorry missed the engagement part, that is awesome! it may be worth investigating carer services with the local council. although an alternative would be that you can look for a house just for you and your husband....and maybe get a granny flat or unit for her nearby for her to be able to ask for help when needed.

[myart]

hi! vintageromance,
I understand the age part. I lost my dad, he was 67 and I was 30. He had multiple stuff going on (diabetes, kidney problem, heart disease and so on) I too felt it was too early for him or me.

All this started at an early age. My advice is try not to forget you in this process. Never forget that behind your strong image as a caretaker, there's a young woman who may need some time off or maybee scared of the future. You could even wish that all these responsibilties weren't yours.

If what I have written it's home, well I understand i've been there. If not well I wish all the best for you and your mom. If you need to talk this site is wonderful for that and so am I .

Myart