[ArianLotus]

Now I'm not going to play the victim, as I played a huge part in how long this "relationship" dragged on. I'd just like an opinion (from people who are familiar with PDs) on exactly what the heck happened between someone and I.

I'd seen my coworker around last year, we exchanged glances every so often, but nothing really came of it until about November '10. We had to work together on a project, and we started flirting a bit. I will say that I was the first person to make a serious move on him, and he sortof followed suit. I knew that he looked at my Facebook and implied that he was interested in some of the same things, which I found out to be untrue after a while. He was attentive, nice, and we even talked about the "dates" that we would go on.

The trouble came when we finally slept together. The change happened so fast, that it almost made my head spin. I asked him what was going on, because the look on his face was so bizarre. He said that he knew that I thought that he was just a toy, and that he was okay with that.

At some point, we talked about being an item (he brought it up this time), and I told him that I wanted to discuss it some more in person, as I thought that it was an issue too important to talk about over text message. He agreed, he didn't mention to me that he had "changed his mind" until I was in his car...stuck in traffic on the highway on the way to his house. I had to ASK him.

I offered to buy him snacks for movie nights (if he agreed to pay me back when I got there) since I was getting some for myself. He'd accept, and even tell me what it is that he wanted. When I'd get to his house, he'd tell me that he was kidding, and he didn't want anything. He'd be VERY late to dates (I believe on purpose now), He'd say insulting and demeaning things to me, and tell me that he's "joking". For example, he called me a cow, and told me that I was being sensitive for getting upset. He had even invited me somewhere, and pretended that I wasn't there the entire time. He then offered to walk me to my car after that was all over, and told me that I could yell at him if I felt the need. It didn't make any sense to me.
He was also VERY controlling, and often overstepped his bounds. I DID put my foot down when he told me that he was coming to my apartment rather than asking. Also had the tendency to mention over and over that he was mature, and made sure to point out all of the responsible things that he did (I respected him for it).

I know that he also has some self esteem issues. This came to light when he asked me if I had EVER lied to him. I told him that I believe he has. I told him that I'm sure that he's slept with other women, even if he said he didn't (mind you, I was calm and didn't yell. I was just being honest). He kindof went off after that and said that I was telling him that he was a bad black man. I was baffled. I never told him that he was a bad black man...EVER. I asked him where the hell he got that from. He said "think back to every argument we ever had. The things you accused me of are characteristics of a bad black man." I had told him during previous arguments that he was controlling, manipulative, and that when he ignored me the time we had gone out together, it reminded me of my father, and that I needed some time apart from him. I told him that those things I said about him were all about HIM, and nothing to do with him being black. That statement was just bizarre to me.

Now, I did notice that the treatment improved when he sensed that I was REALLY angry with him, and probably thought that I wasn't speaking to him for good (which I fully intended...I suppose). That's when I would get the text messages, or Facebook emails about something either completely unrelated, or him apologizing for attempting to cross boundaries that I had set up (such as wanting to meet up and hang out when I didn't think we should), and wishing me well in life. Or he would often start a conversation about something simple, and then ask me if it was okay if he could take me out sometime, or if we could hang out. We'd probably hang out, maybe have sex, maybe not. Whatever happened, there was ALWAYS a phase in the cycle where he pushed me away, insulted, and discarded me. I'd get pissed, he'd call me immature and dramatic, we wouldn't speak for a while, and it starts all over again.

The HUGE part that I played in all of this is that I allowed this treatment, and kept giving him chances. I'll admit that.

Fast forward to the recent past...We ended up having another argument over his D&D, and I finally told him that since I am moving, I want him out of my life forever. I told him that ever since I met him, he has negatively affected my health, and that I can't take any more of his disrespectful BS. He replies with "So does this mean no ****?"

I was so livid that I admittedly got petty revenge (I accidentally on purpose slapped him in the face), and told HIM that I had told everyone at work about us. He got bent out of shape at this (people have known about us pretty much since the beginning. And despite what he thinks, no one cares.), because he is a "trainer", and he said that it would ruin his reputation. He told me that I was terrible, and he couldn't believe that I'd slander him by telling people about us. I didn't spread horrible rumors about him. As a matter of fact, one of my coworkers knew in December that we were speaking, and she encouraged me to try and date him, as he was stable and responsible. No real drama. I kindof blew things out of proportion to him, because I saw that it upset him for people to know about us, and I think that he deserved SOME distress from this situation.

The I also caught wind that he was looking for new supply shortly after finding out that I was moving. Of course, I told her about him, and I don't think that he was very happy with that either.

So, I believe that he's finally discarded for good, He told me that I shouldn't have brought the drama to work, and asked me why I didn't care that I affected his job.

Does he sound like a narcissist? Just a jerk? Am I << the asshole? I'm already aware that I displayed unhealthy amounts of spinelessness for the seven or eight months that I knew him. And, yes, I know that the revenge was petty.

What the heck! Please give me some feedback on this guy.

[ArianLotus]

Excuse me, correction: he asked me if he had ever lied to me.

[ArianLotus]

I'm just looking for a second opinion, as it's bothering me A LOT. This man has negatively affected my spirit and emotional health more than I could have ever imagined.

[StrongerMan]

Hi ArianLotus,

I posted a reply to your thread but realized I was confusing details from another thread. So I deleted it. In case you saw it and were confused.

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I certainly know how you feel after having suffered this kind of abuse. This man certainly sounds on the narcissistic end of the spectrum. I will post some more of my thoughts in a bit. I just wanted to let you know I wasn't ignoring you.

[StrongerMan]

One quick thing I can say is.... you most certainly can "play the victim" because you were victimized. You were, as they say, narc'd.

[Visioneer]

This all seems very familiar. I've never heard the term "narc'd" before, that's a good one. That's definitely how I feel. Keep yourself safe from this man. There is always a tendency to feel guilty when someone has treated us this way, as though we allowed them to do what they did, or that we have done something to make them act the way they do. For our part, what we did is give them the benefit of the doubt for far too long. My T told me the other day, "If you were standing in the road and a car was coming toward you, you would get out of the way of the car. Your instinct is to protect your body. You need to do the same for your mind." Some people are predisposed to ending up in this type of relationship, I know I am, and I seem to learn my lesson over and over. Through my upbringing with a parent with a PD, that protection instinct has been broken. I'm hoping that through therapy I can learn how to never do this again. Learn from this experience. If you feel that counseling would be helpful, it would be a good idea to talk to a professional about this experience and learn some skills to keep out of it in the future. Good luck, stay safe!

[StrongerMan]

They say that the narcissist or any of the PD's with narcissistic traits actually targets or is drawn to a certain type of person. This is possibly someone they sense will tolerate them long enough to commit in some form or fashion. This person will put up with their bad behavior and continue to provide the approval and compliance (supply) they need to actually survive emotionally. They sort of know a sucker when they see him or her. But the "sucker" in this case is not a stupid or naive person at all. They at worst could be accused of caring too much, being too loyal, wanting to believe that people are innately good. They may have dealt with abuse or trauma as a child and have established keen coping skills that make them somewhat immune and more tolerant of it as an adult. So they let the red flags slide and try to focus on bringing out the good in their partner. They hope beyond all hope that this person they invested so much in will somehow "figure it out" and become the emotionally mature, empathic, introspective "soul mate" they are longing for. The codependent person will eventually bury themselves entirely in order to provide for the NPD's needs. Healthier victims will usually balk at the abuse before too long and end up being tossed on the trash heap of D&D (to their benefit).

ArianLotus, don't feel guilty about how you acted in this relationship. You did the best you could with the limited weapons at your disposal to combat what this person was throwing at you. You were not "spineless" at all. You were courageous in fighting back against the abuse and giving this man multiple chances. I may be biased, but I think people who are most negatively and deeply affected by PD's (apart from codependents) have the most desirable qualities in a partner. They don't view people as all or nothing and good or bad. They demand a higher form of love and intimacy based on emotional maturity and honesty. When their partner begins to betray their trust with abuse, they try to deal with it logically, maturely and empathically. Unfortunately, it is usually too much for most people to deal with. They either become codependent, flee feeling confused and dazed (narc'd) or, if lucky, read a book, talk to a friend or find an online forum or article that gives them that "lightbulb" moment revealing exactly what it is they are up against. They can then at least make informed decisions about how to handle the abuse and remain safe and healthy while remaining in the relationship. Or they will determine they simply need to call it quits. Knowledge is power when dealing with a crazy making person.

[ArianLotus]

@ Visioneer: I definitely HAVE felt guilty about everything that happened. You are right. I often think about how I may have brought the treatment onto myself by putting up with it. And there WAS a part of me that was trying to see the good in him.

I guess I also can't fathom how someone could be so cold, and discard without another thought (until they need attention/sex again).

I also recognize that I have a codependent personality, and I'm going to be looking for help as soon as I get myself established in this new area.
Thank you for the reassurance, as I've been turning this over and over in my head. I've come away feeling like this has all been my fault for not walking away a long time ago (he tells me that I've treated MYSELF like *****, and that he hasn't done anything wrong. I believed that at first). Thank you guys.

Oh, and sorry about the last post from me. For some reason, I couldn't see that anyone had posted anything at all.