Wife is a serial cheater.

Long story short my wife is a serial cheater. She has had multiple emotional affairs, shared nude pics of herself, phone sex, etc. The last one I found out about was two years ago and I forgave her.

She has been in counseling and was saying all the right things. I then find out a week ago that she is doing the same crap all over again. I am devastated right now and I am so angry.

She acts like its no big deal and that I should forgive and forget. I believe that she has some serious N traits that dont allow her to fully see and understand how much she has hurt me.

I am at the point where enough is enough. I love my kids but I can no longer accept this abuse from her. I believe she is a love addict but she is in denial of this. She likes the attention she receives from these men but wont seek a qualified T to help in this area.

I just needed to vent! Life is crazy sometimes...

(((jenkins)) - I'm so sorry you're upset and being hurt. Infidelity hurts like hell - I'm going through it myself. There comes a point where you have to draw the line and say you won't let this happen anymore. If you do split make sure you get clear visitation rights set and I hope you'll both be civil for the kids sake. It sounds like you've tried all you can.

Hi jenkins09, sorry you are suffering this abuse. She sounds histrionic to me which holds much in common with an NPD, but only time will bear that out fully. Let me preface this by saying: No one should excuse her behavior. But it might help to begin to understand that, if she is PD, this is a part of who she is or has become as a person. She did not choose to be this way. It is a matter of survival to her to protect her fragile sense of self. But sadly, unlike an addiction (dependency) or compulsion, the PD person cannot admit they are at fault, have a problem or that they inflict abuse on others. Their disordered mind will simply not allow it, or only for fleeting moments during great emotional duress. And if she is "merely" an addict, there is a chance some form of hitting "rock bottom", ie. losing you, will be enough for her to accept professional help. I wish you the best in your struggle.

It does help knowing that she has this addiction/compulsion. I look back over the last seven years and so many things make sense now. It still hurts but I can move forward with my life in peace.

know what your going through. My wife is one too. She has BP and for the last 3 years between the months of sept.-jan. she cheats and leaves me only to come back in jan. crying telling me what a big mistake she made etc. She started to get help this year but had a horrible therapist and after a few months quit going. Now I am going through the same thing again. She is cheating and has moved out. I am trying to be strong but just like you it hurts so much. I don't know what else to do, and unless something changes soon i am looking at a divorce as well. Hope things get better for you, and if you find out any info on how to deal with this or something PLEASE let me know.

1st- I just want to say I have been in your shoes. But you have me beat by 4 years, whereas I was with my partner for almost 3. Our relationship ended very, very badly.

2nd- Discovering the compulsion takes a long time to discern. I didn't discover my partner had this compulsion until post-breakup. I look back now and I can count in cycles how many times he did the same thing. He was "fine" for two months, then in the third month he too was a serial cheater. He would engage in behaviors for the entire third month and then by the fourth month it started all over again. (It was like this the entire time.) When I look back on that relationship and look at his behaviors and align them with other aspects of our relationship that we were also having difficulty in, I saw a pattern. Whenever money was tight or I was in between work, he would stray. Whenever we had too many fights about money, jobs and individuality in relationships, he would stray. While I was in this relationship, I thought I was the cause of it. I wasn't. He would deliberately withold affection from me (most of the time) especially during periods of planned infidelity, but he would engage in behaviors where pornographic material seemed to be the center of his activity (nude pictures, sexting, cyber sex, viewing porn online, etc.) The day we broke up was because he went so far as to actually hook up with someone after he quit his job and I became the provider. This was a HUGE problem for me, especially because I'm a female. (Obviously I have some beliefs about who provides and to what extent etc.)

Point is, you're NOT the reason for her behavior. Even if your income decreases, you have problems at home, you're fighting, etc. you're still not the CAUSE of why she is engaging in these behaviors.

I recently picked up a book, Relationship Sabotage: Unconscious Factors that Destroy Couples, Marriages and Family (Matta, 2006) and it dives into the heart of problems like this one. Matta would say that not only are you NOT the reason for your wife's behavior, but that your wife is acting on unconscious feelings that have been repressed from other periods of her lifetime. In other words, she is cheating because of something that most likely happened in her childhood and something that is occuring in your relationship is triggering the same feelings and so she is acting out on it; unfortunately it's directed at you and hurting you, even thought IT'S NOT YOU.

More specifically the author address the "negative imprints" that lay just below our consciousness that destroy relationships and is the driving force behind why children act out, causes for marital games and extra-marital affairs, addictions, and emotional detachment disorders.

[Matta is a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist who has been in private practice for over 15 years and has also been a professor in psychology for more than 20.]

I've struggled with an emotionally distant husband for 17 years.

He had one psychotic anger episode when he was 19 - hammering a piece of wood into splinters with scary force - saying "how you going" with a clown like smile to imaginary people in the room.

He has preferred porn to sex our entire relationship...saying it was my fault. He has crushes on other women and he gets cozy with them, makes them CDs of songs, takes them out to lunch, invites them over...he has admitted to one emotional affair with a married woman (they kissed and he thought she "was the one". I caught him texting my friend - he deleted the text and lied "there wasn't a text". This friend gave me dirty looks, said things to me which could only come from him (so he was dishing to her about me), smiled and flirted with him with intense sexuality, they called each other's cell phones at midnight...he tried to lie about that to.

Well, you know what - he left ME.

I want to believe he will realize he has a problem with Emotional Affairs, porn, anger, feeling entitled to admiration and appreciation from women...but according to him, it's all my fault:
- sex was never good
- I don't admire him but other women do
- I can't love him the way he needs to be loved

He is not diagnosed as anything...he maintains that he is normal but that I have problems (low self esteem which according to him is the reason I don't praise him enough).

I want to believe he has addictions...instead of NPD.

His Dad committed suicide when my STBX was 20. His Dad was treated for depression but never responded (he punched a doctor in the face). He was verbally and physically abusive to the family. His brother is estranged from both mother and my STBX for 14 years now.

Is my situation hopeless!? Despite the emotional abuse and cheating, I love him and don't want a divorce. My boys, 10 and 12, are crushed.

Is there hope? Will he hit rock bottom and stop blaming me?

You are a very insightful man. "Fragile sense of self." I couldn't phrase it better. Sometimes the only thing one has is their desirability and cannot help enjoying the praise they get for being so. Perhaps, the wife in question, hasn't had much success in life. All she has is the ability attract men or at least feels that's all she has.

"Fragile sense of self."

Yes, indeed.

I would agree that she has a fragile sense of self. It has been slow going with her. I have since moved out of our room and sleep in my office. She has gone to celebrate recovery for her love addiction, but I dont think its helping. She has yet to really disclose to me what she is learning or has learned about herself.

She blames me for her not being able to share, which I suspect is her way of once again avoiding having to deal with why she does what she does. The stress of this marriage is killing me literally and I feel that I will have to leave. This PD are a tough nut to crack and I feel there is no hope left for this relationship.

Venting in this fashion is very good. May not seem satisfying at the moment, but it will always prove to be the best way.

I've been there. Went through five+ years of hell with my x-wife as husband #1.
The last four+ years of the marriage I put staying for our daughter above all else. Eventually, it got to be too much and I moved out.
I made sure to stay in my daughter life. LOTS of deep breathing exercises.
Had to focus on what mattered after moving out which was NOT the "emotional stuff" that led up to moving out.

The ex-wife did counseling with 2 & 3. She is on #4 now and their kids.
All the kids from #1 & #2 moved out as soon as they were able to do so and none have looked back.

No matter what route you take, ONLY you can maintain & protect your mental and physical health and well-being. And the affects that has on your children.

Wish you the best.

I am bipolar, Borderline personality disorder , anxiety and PTSD. My husband cheated on me with a woman whom used to be married to his best friend. We used to vacation with this couple , stay at their home ect.
I am devestated and cannot let it go. 2 yrs later it still kills me inside. He even cont' to take me around her many times before I found out about them, as if the joke was on me. That is one of the reasons I cannot let it go. As early as 6 months ago he walked out of our home and began texting her. By this time I had already expressed my feelings to her and she promised to tell me when he tried to contact her. So she text me to tell me. I believe she may be afraid of me in a way, as I had put her down for being intimate on a gravel road in the front seat of our family truck, ect. Told her she was messing with fire.
The PAIN never leaves after this type of betrayal!!! Trust is GONE!

If you do leave remember the court system is a feminazi one, get a good lawyer so you can continue to see your kids.